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Part 4: The Axiom of Equality: Chapter 2
Themes
Key
LitCharts assigns a color and icon to each theme in A Little Life, which you can use to track the themes throughout the work.
Trauma
Identity
Success and Happiness
Friendship and Human Connection
Pain and Suffering
Summary
Analysis
The narrative flashes back to Jude’s childhood at the monastery. Every afternoon after he’s finished with classes, he has a free hour before he’s supposed to start his chores. Recently, he’s started spending that time in the greenhouse helping Brother Luke water the plants. When Brother Luke isn’t there, he plays with his things—Brother Luke has showed him a secret spot beneath the grate in a corner of the greenhouse where he can hide his special objects, including a metal whistle and a piece of sea glass that Brother Luke gave him.
It's already established that something bad happened between Jude and Brother Luke when Jude was a child, so the reader should be mindful of this as more of Jude’s past is filled in. Another thing to note here is the house scenery. Jude will later view houses (and apartments, lofts, etc.) as safe spaces: as physical manifestations of his ability (and lack thereof) of his ability to reinvent himself and make a new life. This passage possibly explains the origin of this reasoning: Jude had a bad, abusive life at the monastery before Brother Luke came into his life, and now—in the time they spend together in the greenhouse—this has all changed, and things are looking up for Jude.
Themes
Yesterday, Brother Luke told Jude to come to the greenhouse after class—he has a surprise for him. Jude arrives and finds Brother Luke in a little supply room at the back of the greenhouse. He’s kneeling over a muffin with a lit match in its center—it’s for Jude, whose eighth birthday is today. Jude’s never had a birthday cake before. He closes his eyes, makes a wish, and blows out the match. Brother Luke smiles at Jude as Jude eats the muffin. Then he gives him a small gift wrapped in newspaper. Jude opens it, and inside is a plain box filled with notched pieces of woods meant to look like logs. Brother Luke explains that Jude can build little houses with them.
The toy log set is further evidence of the origins of Jude’s positive thoughts about houses, security, and reinvention. For Jude, the toy is a symbol of the protection and happiness he gains through Brother Luke’s friendship. Also note that it’s worth reading this scene through a skeptical lens: readers know that something bad (likely sexual abuse) eventually happens between Jude and Luke, so it’s plausible to interpret this gift as Brother Luke grooming eight-year-old Jude.
Themes
Jude loves Brother Luke and spends every moment he can with him—he’s the only person who doesn’t treat Jude like a nuisance, and he thinks Jude is smart. Whenever the other brothers mistreat Jude, he imagines himself back with Brother Luke to make things better. The first time Brother Luke tickles Jude, they both laugh uncontrollably, and Brother Luke compliments Jude’s laugh and smile.
Jude thinks he loves Brother Luke, but this is only because Jude doesn’t have a single other positive relationship in his life to compare to his relationship with Brother Luke. Also note the detail of Brother Luke tickling Jude. Jude, as a child, doesn’t see anything wrong with this, but an adult reader likely will immediately feel uneasy at Luke touching Jude and complimenting Jude’s smile, as though he’s coming onto Jude.
Themes
The other monks notice that Jude is spending all his time with Brother Luke and warn him to be careful—Luke isn’t the kind of person Jude thinks he is. Lately, Jude’s beatings have been worse than usual, and Jude worries that the brothers might abandon him. Things are so bad that Jude lately hasn’t had the energy to make it to the greenhouse. He’s also started avoiding Brother Luke at meals, since he's ashamed that he’s not the happy, lighthearted boy Brother Luke thinks he is. He starts hiding in a corner of the cellar where the monks store food.
The other monks’ warnings are likely true, given what readers (vaguely) know about Luke’s eventual abuse of Jude. But at this point, Jude fails to listen to the monks, whose abuse gives Jude little reason to trust them. Even at this young age, it’s clear that Jude’s history of abuse and mistreatment have conditioned him not to trust people. Also note the parallel between Jude avoiding Luke out of shame that Brother Luke will abandon him if he finds that Jude isn’t the always-happy boy Luke thinks Jude is—and the avoidant behavior Jude will later display toward Howard. This is another example of how behavior Jude learned in his traumatic childhood stays with him many years into the future.
Themes
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Jude spends a week avoiding Brother Luke. Then one day, when Jude goes to his hiding place in the cellar, Brother Luke is there waiting for him. He tells Jude to sit down next to him, and Jude obeys. Then Brother Luke offers Jude a glass bottle of apple juice. He tells Jude that what the brothers do to him is wrong, and it isn’t Jude’s fault. He says he had a son before he came to the monastery, and Jude reminds him of his son. Then he starts to cry as he tells Jude that Jude deserves to be somewhere else, with someone who loves him. If it were just Jude and Brother Luke, Luke says, things would be great. Then he suggests that he and Jude go camping together.
Alarm bells should go off at Brother Luke’s suggestion that he and Jude go camping together, but Jude, a child, can’t recognize this as a potential hazard. Also note: Brother Luke’s story about how he used to have a child mirrors, a bit, Harold’s story about losing Jacob. In this light then, and in light of the fact that Luke will come to hurt Jude in some way at a later point, the reader can better understand Jude’s fears about Harold abandoning or hurting him much later in life. Brother Luke, like Harold, acts as a father figure to Jude, so it would make sense that Jude has similar reservations and fears about them.
Themes
Jude resumes his daily visits to the greenhouse, and every day, Brother Luke tells Jude all about all the fun things they could do together if they were on their own, like go to the beach or eat pizza and ice cream. They could even build a cabin, just like the one’s Jude builds with his toy logs, only bigger. Over time, Jude becomes “intoxicated by Luke’s stories,” and thinking about them gives him an escape from his miserable life at the monastery.
This passage further explains the origins of Jude’s association of dwellings with security and reinvention. As a young boy, he came to associate his and Brother Luke’s hypothetical cabin with the new, happier life they’d create together. The cabin represented the possibility that a person could change and improve their circumstances.
Themes
One afternoon in early January, Jude is in the greenhouse with Brother Luke, and he can tell that Brother Luke is in one of his quiet moods. Jude has learned not to push Brother Luke to talk when he’s feeling this way. But suddenly, Brother Luke speaks. He explains that he's very sad because he’s been getting the feeling that Jude doesn’t love him. He also worries that Jude thinks the cabin and the adventures they’ll have together are only stories—that Jude doesn’t want these things to actually happen. Jude immediately protests; of course he thinks the stories are real! It takes some doing, but he finally convinces Brother Luke how serious he is. And when he does, Brother Luke smiles and gives Jude a big hug, running his arms up and down Jude’s back.
To the mature reader, it should be clear that Brother Luke is manipulating Jude. This scene also helps explain some of the habits and patterns of thinking Jude will adopt as an adult—in particular, Jude’s tendency to believe that other people’s love and compassion for him is conditional and can be taken away if Jude fails to live up to their standards. Another thing to note is Brother Luke’s continued physical contact with Jude, which, knowing what the reader knows about how Brother Luke will eventually hurt Jude, is highly inappropriate.
Themes
And so, Brother Luke forms a plan: they’ll leave in two months, right before Easter, and they’ll celebrate Jude’s ninth birthday in their cabin. Finally, the night arrives. Jude is nervous, but he trusts Brother Luke. The air is cold as they walk down the monastery’s long, winding driveway. To pass the time, Brother Luke points to different constellations, and Jude names them. Brother Luke says Jude is smart; “I’m so glad I picked you,” he tells Jude. They finally reach the car, and then they’re on the road, and Jude is leaving his old life behind him.
Once more, the cabin imagery reflects Jude’s hope for a new life of safety and security and love. Brother Luke’s remark, “I’m so glad I picked you,” feels different to Jude than it does the reader. The reader will recognize Luke’s remark as a red flag: it’s essentially Luke admitting that he’s selected and groomed Jude. Jude, though, who seems to have received nothing but abuse and hatred from the adults in his life up to this point, feels gratefully to finally have someone in his life who has chosen to love him. This sheds light on why Jude stays with Caleb as an adult: he’s learned to accept the love people offer him, and a history of abuse and trauma have blurred the lines for him between what is love and what is abuse.
Themes
The narrative flashes forward to Jude’s present. Later in his life, Jude will practice “two ways of forgetting.” One way involves picturing a “vault” in his mind where he locks up all the things he doesn’t want to talk or think about. He has also tried to relive his memories again and again until they become “meaningless,” or until he can pretend that they happened to someone else. But the memories never truly go away. Still, Jude tries to use these coping mechanisms, and others, to overcome the trauma of Caleb’s beating. He employs practical measures too, like testing the old keys to make sure they no longer work and installing an alarm system. But this doesn’t stop him from replaying the image of him flying down the staircase in his head.
This passage sheds additional light on the methods Jude has adopted to cope with his trauma. He’s chosen to “forget[]” or compartmentalize the past rather than confront it, and it’s clear—by Jude’s own admission, even—that these avoidant methods haven’t helped him. In failing to confront his past, Jude allows the past to haunt his present and cause him more pain and suffering.
Themes
For a while, Jude spends all but a few hours at work. But he stops this after he has a particularly bad episode late one night at the office; the night janitor calls management, who calls Lucien. Lucien arrives and tends to Jude as he writhes and vomits on the floor. He orders Jude to take some time off, and he also orders Jude not to stay at work past midnight on weeknights any longer.
Symbolically, Jude’s bad episode shows how avoidance—in this case, by spending all this spare time working—is only a temporary fix for Jude’s problems. He can avoid confronting his pain, trauma and abuse, but inevitably, everything he’s trying to suppress or avoid will catch up with him.
Themes
Jude struggles to talk to Harold after Caleb’s beating. He’s ashamed and embarrassed that Harold had to see him that way. And he’s also mortified that Harold asked him about his childhood—does everyone suspect that he was abused? Harold also treats Jude differently after the incident. He’s stopped ragging on Jude for working at Rosen Pritchard. And he doesn’t bug Jude about finding someone to settle down with.
Harold’s heightened sensitivity is likely meant as an act of compassion. But all it really does is prove one of Jude’s worst fears: that people will treat him differently if they know about his past trauma. Also note Jude’s disbelief that everyone assumes he was abused—the way Jude expresses this thought suggests that Jude, himself, doesn’t quite believe he was the victim of abuse. Jude is insinuating, perhaps, that he believes he had some responsibility in what happened to him as a child.
Themes
Andy’s nightly phone calls resume after the beating, too, and he increases Jude’s checkups to every other week. He also gives Jude the business card for a psychologist named Sam Loehmann. Jude knows everyone means well, but he feels like this is just another version of people “decid[ing] how his body would be used.”
Like Harold, Andy, changes the way he treats Jude following Caleb’s assault. This passage also shows how Jude’s history of abuse prevents him from seeing his friends’ actions objectively. He can recognize that everyone is just trying to help him, but he can’t shake the instinctual feeling that they are also “decid[ing] how his body would be used,” just as Jude’s abusers have done throughout his life.
Themes
Willem returns, and Jude wants so badly to tell him everything. But he doesn’t. Life goes on: Jude wakes up every morning, goes to work, and deals with his loneliness. He wins a big court case, and though Lucien applauds him, Jude feels nothing but anxiety: with the case over, he no longer has something to occupy his mind. He struggles to keep his memories of Caleb at bay. He also replays scenes involving Brother Luke and Dr. Traylor, and then the injury itself: “the headlights’ white glare, his head jerking to the side.” Eight months pass, and things get worse—not better.
Jude’s mental health continues in its downward trajectory, and his inability to open up to Willem makes matters worse. Another factor contributing to Jude’s decline is his lighter work schedule: following the conclusion of the big court case, he no longer has as much to distract him from his unresolved trauma. Also note the remark about “the headlights’ white glare, his head jerking to the side.” This vague description bears resemblance to the car “accident” Jude mentioned in college (the so-called accident that resulted in his leg and back injuries). Here, Jude seems to hint that someone named Dr. Traylor might have been involved in this incident.
Themes
Finally, over dinner one night in June, Willem suggests that the two of them take a vacation to Morocco. Willem and Jude are out to eat at a restaurant in the Flatiron District. It’s been nine months since the incident, and Willem will leave soon to shoot a movie in Sri Lanka. Jude agrees, but he’s too preoccupied with thoughts of Caleb to pay much attention. Then, as they get up to leave, a rush of panic surges through Jude as he thinks he sees Caleb. It turns out to be someone else, but Willem notices, and he can tell that Jude has just seen someone he’s scared of. He demands to know who the person is, but Jude won’t tell him.
Jude’s inability to talk about Caleb hurts Jude himself, but it hurts Willem, too. It’s clear that Willem can sense Jude’s distress upon seeing the Caleb-lookalike, and Jude’s failure to come clean about the situation compromises Willem’s ability to help Jude. This passage further illustrates how friendship could be a great source of healing for Jude—but only if he allows his friends to help him, which he’s yet unable to do.
Themes
They get home, and Willem continues to pester Jude about whatever happened while he was away. Jude wants to tell Willem, but all he can say is, “I’m sorry.” Willem stays in Jude’s room. And he’s there the next night, too. Jude hates to admit it, but having Willem there stabilizes him and distracts him from thinking about Caleb. Willem remains at Jude’s apartment until he has to leave for Columbo. Jude wants to beg him not to leave, but he knows he can’t.
Jude’s declining mental health is evidenced by Willem’s more aggressive efforts to help Jude, even if Jude won’t let him do much. Much earlier in the novel, Willem might have left Jude alone if Jude made it clear he didn’t want to talk. Now, though, Willem stays, suggesting that he sees that Jude is doing worse than normal.
Themes
After Willem leaves, things are okay for a while. But Jude’s “hyenas” return, and they’re “more vigilant in their hunt” than ever before. Years of repressed memories bubble to the surface. He thinks about Caleb raping him in the shower and wants to light himself on fire. He takes on more work and cuts himself. But nothing is enough. It’s August now, and his friends are all out of town. Jude doesn’t want to be around Harold, because Harold reminds him of the bad night.
These “hyenas” seem to be a metaphor Jude creates to allow himself to think about his past trauma indirectly, without explicitly admitting that he’s been the victim of trauma. This idea that Jude isn’t the victim of trauma is in line with his insistence that he is to blame for/deserves the bad things that have happened to him. This scene also reinforces the theory Harold put forth in his earlier narrative, that Caleb was a turning point for Jude, and that Jude’s life took on a downward spiral following Caleb. Here, readers see that Jude is quickly spiraling out of control.
Themes
One night, Jude has a nightmare. In it, a dark cloud chases him. Then he hears a voice say, “Stop,” and then, “You can end this.” Jude has considered suicide before, but he could never go through with it. Almost as an experiment, now, he starts to fantasize what it would mean to die. He thinks about all the letters he’d need to write, the arrangements he’d need to make. These thoughts help him get through his days. Over time, his plans become less hypothetical. His whole life, he’s tried to get better and become a different person, and his whole life, he’s failed. And now that he’s decided to end it all, he finally feels at peace.
Jude’s downward spiral achieves a new low as his suicidal ideations develop into real plans to end his life. In Harold’s earlier narrated section, he spoke of Jude in the past tense—as though Jude is already dead whenever Harold narrates that passage. Could it be that Jude dies by suicide in his 30s? It seems unlikely, given that Jude is the novel’s protagonist and there is still a long ways to go. At the same time, though, Harold also asserts that Jude doesn’t get better following Caleb’s abuse—that something shifted in Jude following Caleb. So, it’s conceivable that Jude will go through with these plans.
Themes
Then the day comes. It’s a Monday in late September. Jude comes home, removes his shoes and tie, pours a glass of scotch, and grabs a box cutter. He cuts deep vertical lines into both arms. They’re more painful than he thought they’d be, and the blood that flows from them is thick as oil. Jude sits against the shower wall and waits. He closes his eyes and pictures a house where he can lie down, rest, and finally be safe.
Jude cuts his wrists and waits to die. Whether he will succumb to his injuries, though, remains to be seen. Another interesting note here is that Jude pictures a house as he lays dying. For so long, Jude has associated houses and other dwelling places with security, safety, and stability—with the new life he’s built for himself in the aftermath of a horrible childhood. Now, though, it seems that he’s given up finding security and stability in life and has decided that death is the only means by which he may fully recover from his past—that death is the only thing that will stop his pain and suffering.
Themes
The narrative returns to Jude’s trip with Brother Luke. They’ve just passed into Nebraska. Brother Luke pulls over beside a wheat field and drags Jude behind a giant tree. He explains that the brothers will be looking for them, so they’ll have to wear disguises. Brother Luke gives Jude a change of clothes, and then he shaves Jude’s head. Then they get back in the car and drive to Texas. When they finally arrive, Brother Luke says they’ll stay in a motel for a few days—they need to lie low, since the brothers are probably following them.
In a way, the disguise Jude dons upon fleeing the monastery is an early version of the metaphorical disguise he dons as an adult. In this scene and in adulthood, Jude is trying to leave his past behind him through superficial, skin-deep means (a disguise, a successful career, long-sleeved shirts that hide his self-harm scars, etc.). And, in this scene with Luke and in adulthood, Jude’s superficial disguises proves incapable of keeping the painful memories of Jude’s past at bay.
Themes
The motel that Jude and Brother Luke stay in is called The Golden Hand. Brother Luke tells Jude to take a shower while he runs out and gathers some supplies. Jude is terrified that Brother Luke will abandon him, but Brother Luke promises to return. And he does, groceries in hand. They have a routine they practice every day: they wake up early and Brother Luke makes coffee. Then, they drive into town, and Brother Luke watches Jude run around the high school’s track. Then they return to their room, and Brother Luke gives Jude his lessons.
Brother Luke continues to groom Jude, who has been so let-down and abused throughout his life that Jude will see practically any degree of stability and care that Luke can offer (coming back when he says he will, feeding Jude and giving him a roof over his head, etc.) in a positive light and feel grateful and indebted to Luke. Luke has rescued Jude from an abusive home, after all; why shouldn’t Jude trust him?
Themes
After lessons, Brother Luke leaves to look for locations where they’ll build their cabin. He orders Jude to stay behind and not to open the door for anybody. He says that there are bad people out there, and he just wants to keep Jude safe. Jude reads while he waits for Brother Luke to return—Brother Luke has forbidden him from watching TV, and he’ll know if Jude has disobeyed him.
That Luke orders Jude not to watch TV should raise a red flag for the reader—it’s likely Luke doesn’t want Jude to see any news coverage about Jude’s abduction. For though Brother Luke has framed their travels as an adventure, Luke is not Jude’s legal guardian, and Jude is a minor, so legally, Luke has kidnapped Jude. It’s also additional evidence that Luke is grooming Jude: in cutting Jude off from the outside world and claiming that he is only trying to protect Jude against the outside world, Luke effectively ensures that Jude has no choice but to place his full trust in Luke. What’s more, Luke manipulates Jude by holding plans for their hypothetical cabin over Jude’s head.
Themes
One day, Brother Luke returns. He looks exhausted and sad. He explains that he just doesn’t have the money to buy the land to build their cabin on, and then he starts to cry. Jude offers to get a job to earn money for the cabin—he knows how to do all kinds of things, like polishing silver and scrubbing toilets. And Brother Luke has helped Jude so much, that it only seems right that Jude helps him in return. Brother Luke cheers up at this and gives Jude a hug.
Earlier in the novel, Jude makes brief reference to servicing a “client,” implying that, at some point in his childhood, he was sex trafficked. So, the reader should be wary of Brother Luke’s plans to put Jude to work. Also note how Jude’s past trauma has shaped his sense of obligation. He’s never had an adult he can rely on, and he’s learned that he has to earn love and affection, so it makes total sense to him that he—a nine-year-old boy—should be the one to pay the bills rather than Luke, the adult in their relationship.
Themes
The next day, Brother Luke leaves after Jude’s lesson like usual. He returns later, a smile on his face as explains that he’s met someone who wants to give Jude some work—and he’s waiting just outside. Brother Luke explains that Jude is “going to do what [he] did with Father Gabriel” and the other brothers. Hearing this fills Jude with fear, and he instinctively backs away from Luke. Luke strokes Jude’s hair. Then he tells Jude that Jude is good at it, and it’ll be over in no time. Then the man—the client—enters the room, rapes Jude, and leaves. Afterward, Luke is kind and affectionate. He brings Jude a cookie.
This scene confirms what the novel has only hinted at thus far: that Jude (as a minor) is a victim of human trafficking. That Jude backs away from Brother Luke when Luke first confronts him about the sex work shows that Jude has sensed (at least subconsciously) that he can’t trust Luke. But Jude, who is otherwise completely alone in the world, seems to recognize that he has no other choice. Also note that Luke continues to groom and manipulate Jude, showing him kindness and giving him treats after Jude succumbs to the sexual assault.
Themes
And so, this becomes their new routine. They still have class in the afternoon, only now, Brother Luke brings clients back to the room for Jude. Jude tries not to cry afterward, but he often does anyway. He asks Brother Luke how much longer it’ll be until they have enough money for their cabin, but Brother Luke never gives him a definite answer. This goes on for a few months; they move around every week or so.
Jude’s naïve hopefulness that the cabin will give him the safety and security he desires—and that it will happen at all—shows that Jude continues to trust Luke, despite Luke giving Jude every reason to doubt him. This is further evidence of the damage that years of abuse have done to Jude; it’s completely ruined his ability to distinguish between people who mean to help him and people who mean to harm him. To the reader, it’s abundantly clear by this point that the cabin will never happen. It’s merely something Luke uses to ensure that Jude continues to cooperate and remain loyal to him.
Themes
Then everything changes. Jude is lying in bed one night. Brother Luke asks Jude if Jude loves him. Before, Jude would’ve said yes—but now, he’s not so sure. It’s true that Brother Luke protects Jude against clients who get too rough with him—and, after all, Jude did volunteer to do this work. So, Jude tells Luke that he loves him. This makes Luke very happy; he loves Jude, too. Then, Luke explains that people who love each other do certain things, like kiss and lie in bed together. He tells Jude that they should do this, and Jude obeys. This progresses to sex. Brother Luke promises it’ll be different than it is with the clients, since he and Jude are “in love,” but it doesn’t feel different to Jude. He starts to feel like nothing belongs to him anymore, not even his name or his body.
Just when it seems that things can’t get any worse for Jude, they do: the one person Jude thought he could trust (or at least, the person who has, until now, hurt Jude the least) betrays that trust and sexually assaults Jude just like the other monks at the monastery. While Jude describes what’s happening as sex, it’s worth keeping in mind that given Jude’s age alone, this is rape. What’s more, Luke manipulates Jude (who, remember, is not yet 10) into conflating abuse with love. This passage helps the reader to understand how Jude, as an adult, will struggle to form romantic, intimate bonds with others.
Themes
Jude hardly talks anymore. Looking back, Jude will try to determine when, exactly, he understood that the cabin was never going to happen. One memory sticks out. He and Luke are driving to Washington to see a doctor friend of Luke’s, who’s going to treat a disease that Jude caught from one of the clients. Luke pulls over beside a baseball field to study a map, and Jude sees a group of boys around his age, dressed in uniforms, shouting, and running. They’re so much like him—and yet they’re nothing like him at all. And Jude knows he’ll never be like those boys.
This passage reveals the roots of Jude’s characteristic secrecy. He learns to cope with his pain by shutting down and keeping his pain inside, and he carries this coping mechanism—and the unresolved trauma it masks—with him to adulthood. When Jude watches the boys playing and sees their innocence (and his own lack thereof), it closely mirrors a scene from Lolita, another book about a pedophile who kidnaps a child, drives across the country, and assaults them in various motels. Toward the end of Lolita, the narrator and pedophile-antagonist, Humbert Humbert, observes a group of children playing in a field and finally realizes that his actions have prevented Lolita, the girl he kidnapped, from joining these children in their innocent play.
Themes
The narrative flashes forward to the present, after Jude’s suicide attempt. The first thing Jude remembers is a hospital room—he can smell it. Willem is asleep in a chair beside his bed. He remembers other friends’ faces. Everyone cries. Jude tries to tell them not to, but his tongue feels too heavy to speak. Finally, Jude regains conscious enough to speak to the man sitting beside his hospital bed. The man introduces himself as Dr. Solomon. He explains that he’s a psychiatrist, and that Jude is in the psychiatric wing of the hospital. He asks Jude if he knows why he’s here, and Jude says he does: it’s because of what he did in the shower.
Jude survives his suicide attempt after all—and he doesn’t seem terribly pleased to realize this. Though Jude’s friends cry, Jude remains stolid and unmoved. Jude’s friends seem more determined to keep Jude alive—to make him well—than Jude does. This further explores the novel’s question of what obligation a person has to force someone who does not want to live to stay alive—and what obligation a person has to their loved ones to keep themselves alive when they no longer find life worth living.
Themes
Jude improves little by little. He learns that it was Richard who found him and called the ambulance. Eventually, Jude is released into Harold and Julia’s care. He’s supposed to see Andy twice a week, and he’s supposed to start therapy. Harold and Julia take Jude to Truro, where Willem is waiting for him. It’s October now. Jude is ashamed that he failed, and he hates how everyone tiptoes around him now. He feels helpless—he can’t even cut his food or shave on his own because the cuts damaged the nerves in his hands.
There are so many characters involved in this scene, each performing a critical role in ensuring Jude’s successful recovery. This emphasizes the stark contrast between the many caring friends that surround Jude—and the relative lack of comfort that Jude experiences while in their care. This, in turn, reinforces the novel’s insistence that friends and loved ones have limited capacity to heal both physical and psychological wounds.
Themes
Jude and Willem stay at Truro for 10 days, and then they return to Greene Street. Willem stays at the apartment with Jude. One of the conditions of Jude’s release was that he take a sabbatical from work, so his days are empty. He swims and eats breakfast with Willem. A physical therapist drops by and helps him with his hands. People are always visiting, though Willem never lets them stay for longer than an hour. Willem asks Jude every day if he wants to talk to Dr. Loehmann, but Jude always declines.
Jude’s refusal to speak to Dr. Loehmann (the psychiatrist whose information Andy gave Jude earlier) reinforces the idea that Jude isn’t happy to be alive. One has to wonder whether he wouldn’t just re-attempt suicide if his friends weren’t monitoring him constantly.
Themes
In November, Willem and Jude go out to dinner at a Japanese restaurant to belatedly celebrate Willem’s 43rd birthday. Walking home afterward, Jude floats the idea of going to Morocco after all. Later, when he asks Willem about the project he was supposed to shoot in Russia in January, Willem says something vague about it falling through. But when Jude looks it up on online, he sees news coverage that Willem left the film for “personal reasons.”
Willem is willing to hurt his career and reputation to stay home and care for Jude. Unlike someone like JB, for instance, who repeatedly puts ambition above friendship, Willem prioritizes his friends—and most of all, his relationship with Jude—above all else.
Themes
Jude continues to recover. He eventually stops taking his pills. He’s initially happy to discover how clearheaded he feels; but soon, the hyenas return, and with them, more repressed memories. A voice inside his head whispers at him to “try again,” and he tries desperately to ignore it.
Jude seems to oscillate between two unhappy extremes: he can exist in a drugged stupor and forget his traumatic past, or he can be clearheaded and awash with painful, shameful memories of his unresolved trauma. When the hyenas—a metaphor Jude created as a stand in for his unresolved trauma and unwanted thoughts—urge Jude to “try again” (that is, attempt suicide again), Jude resists. This should make the reader consider whether Jude has decided that life is worth living, or whether he simply feels indebted to friends like Willem, Harold, and Andy, who have sacrificed so much to ensure Jude’s wellbeing.
Themes
Then it’s Thanksgiving again. Jude and Willem, Richard and India, and Malcolm and Sophie go to Harold and Julia’s apartment on West End Avenue to celebrate. Willem talks about his and Jude’s upcoming trip to Morocco. Jude and Willem leave early, and Jude returns home and cuts himself for the second time since his release. The first time, it hurt, and he wondered if he wanted to do it at all. But this time, he feels the familiar release.
Not only is Jude lucky to be alive, but he has the great fortune to celebrate Thanksgiving surrounded by people who care about him. And yet, he immediately goes home and cuts himself—and it’s only then that he feels okay. The novel seems to suggest that Jude is too far gone to find comfort and stability in love and friendship. For much of his childhood, pain and suffering were all he could rely on, and so now, as an adult, they are the only things that bring him a sense of stability.
Themes
One night, Jude awakens from a nightmare to cold water being splashed in his face. Willem is standing above him, empty glass in hand, and apologizes—he hadn’t been able to rouse Jude on his own. Then Willem asks Jude who Brother Luke is—he’d been screaming in his sleep for Brother Luke to save him. Jude can’t tell Willem about Brother Luke, though.
Jude’s nightmares are a new development and support the theory that his life will be on a downward slope from now on. It’s also interesting that Jude cries out to Brother Luke to save him. This further shows how Jude sees abuse and pain as the only constants in his life. He turns to his abusers to save him—not the true friends, like Willem, who actually have Jude’s best interests in mind.
Themes
One day, as Jude and Willem are sitting at the table and planning their trip to Morocco, Willem announces that he finally knows what he wants for his birthday: he wants Jude to tell him who Brother Luke is, and what Jude’s relationship to him was. Jude agrees to Willem’s request, but he tells him he’s going to need some time first. Willem accepts this. In the meantime, though, he asks if Jude can answer a smaller, simpler question. Jude hesitates, but then he agrees. Willem asks Jude how he got the scar on the back of his hand. Jude is relieved—the burn scar happened well before all the other horrible things. Willem leans against the table, relishing this first time that Jude tells him a story.
The scar on the back of Jude’s hand is from when Father Gabriel lit Jude’s olive oil-soaked hand on fire. Though this episode of abuse pales in comparison to the abuse Jude suffered at Brother Luke’s hands, it’s a positive thing that Jude seems willing to open up to Willem about something. Still, one has to wonder why Jude is telling Willem now—is it because he wants to get better, or is it because he fears that Willem will leave him if he doesn’t give him what he wants? Jude’s interpersonal issues (a consequence of his unresolved trauma) once more complicate his ability to heal.
Themes
The narrative returns to Jude’s trip with Brother Luke. Years pass, and Jude is now 11. He’s tired all the time and can hardly stay awake for clients. Brother Luke reminds him that the clients are paying to be with him, so he should act like he’s enjoying it.
Jude thought his life would improve once he left the monastery, but it’s only become much worse than anything he could have imagined. Again, Jude’s character arc seems not to be one of healing and positive development, but rather one of slow, steady, and unceasing decline.
Themes
It’s around this time that Jude starts throwing his body at walls. It begins as an accident. He and Brother Luke are staying at a motel in Washington, and Jude accidentally trips down the stairs. Nothing is broken, but he’s scraped up and bleeding. Brother Luke cancels Jude’s appointment that night. This—and the pain—restores Jude. He feels awake and clearheaded. And it’s “a pain without shame or filth.” He starts intentionally throwing himself against brick walls from then on.
This passage explains the origins of the self-harm that will become Jude’s primary coping mechanism as an adult. Self-harm—in any form—is a way for Jude to experience “pain without shame or filth.” It’s a way for him to reclaim ownership and feeling over his body, two things he’s lost since the brothers first began to abuse him.
Themes
Brother Luke catches on and tells Jude the clients don’t like seeing him bruised. One night, when Jude is feeling particularly bad, Luke teaches him to cut himself. Luke gives Jude his own bag of razors, alcohol wipes, cotton, and bandages. Jude learns to love the control the cutting affords him. Finally, some part of his body is his own.
In this passage, Brother Luke becomes an even more reprehensible villain. Not only is he the source of much of Jude’s unresolved trauma, but he’s also the person who taught Jude such a self-destructive method of coping with that trauma. Still, that Jude wants to reclaim his body shows that he’s stilling struggling to survive—that he wants to lay claim to the life and body that have been stolen from him and have a future of some sort. The same can’t quite be said of adult Jude, who increasingly seems to have lost the will to live.
Themes
Though Jude never likes Luke’s body, in time, he gets used to it. He comes to believe that nobody will treat him as well as Luke does. He remembers how Luke once yelled at a client who smacked Jude and called him a “slut.” A lot of the clients call Jude horrible names, but Luke never does.
Though Brother Luke is abusive, he treats Jude better than anyone else in Jude’s life has treated him. Because Luke’s “love” is the closest thing to love Jude has experienced, it warps his view of reality and makes him conflate love with abuse. Knowing these details of Jude’s backstory helps the reader to better understand why Jude, as an adult, felt that he deserves Caleb’s abuse.
Themes
Luke still talks about their future together, but it’s always somewhere different now—he’s stopped talking about the cabin. He’s also stopped thinking of Jude as his son. Now, he tells Jude that they’ll get married when Jude turns 16. He also keeps pushing back the age Jude can “retire.” At first, that age was 12—but now, it’s 16. Another thing that bothers Jude is that Luke sometimes acts like he enjoys hearing Jude with the clients.
It’s clearer than ever before now that Luke had only called Jude his son to groom Jude and persuade him to run away with him. Now, with both his words and his actions, Luke shows his true colors and reveals himself to be the abusive pedophile he has been all along. As Jude grows, he starts to realize that Luke isn’t as good and caring as he’d once thought (as when Luke acts like he enjoys hearing Jude with the clients). But by this point, Jude is too dependent on Luke and traumatized to break free from this cycle of abuse.
Themes
And then it’s September. Jude and Luke are staying at a motel somewhere in Montana. They’re in bed together when they hear loud pounding on the door—it’s the police. Brother Luke hisses at Jude to be quiet. The police shout that they have a warrant to arrest “Edgar Wilmot.” Jude is puzzled, but then he realizes, by Brother Luke’s expression, that Edgar Wilmot is Brother Luke. Brother Luke hisses at Jude not to move, and then he goes into the bathroom and locks the door behind him, even as Jude pleads with Luke not to leave him.
The police have finally located Luke and have arrived to rescue Jude. With the revelation that “Luke” might really be “Edgar Wilmot,” more pieces of the puzzle seem to fall into place for Jude. Yet, even after suffering years of abuse, Jude can’t bring himself to part from Luke. Luke’s systematic grooming and manipulation have made Jude feel that he depends on Luke for survival—and for love and companionship. And when Luke locks himself in the bathroom, he does leave Jude—and, in so doing, betrays him. This seems to have contributed to the trust/intimacy issues Jude carries into adulthood.
Themes
The police break down the door. One officer pulls up Jude’s pants. He hears another officer yell for someone to call an ambulance. Jude frees himself from the officers and runs to the bathroom, just in time to see Brother Luke hanging from the bathroom ceiling. Jude doesn’t remember much after this. The police ask him how many times he’d been raped, but he doesn’t even know he’s been raped. He’s brought to a home, and the kids there treat him cruelly. They know there’s something shameful about him.
Brother Luke has died by suicide in the bathroom, just as Jude tries to do decades later. Is it possible that Jude has this traumatic memory in mind when he undertakes his own suicide attempt? In addition, the way Jude shuts down after he sees Luke’s body suggests that he mourns Luke’s death; though Luke abused him, Jude came to believe (through Luke’s manipulation) that Luke was the only person who loved him, and now, once more, Jude must face the cruel world on his own.
Themes
Jude thinks about Brother Luke every day. Later, Jude will tell Ana that while he knows that Luke hurt and lied to him, he knows that Luke loved him, too. Ana tells him that Luke was “a monster” who only claimed to love Jude to manipulate him. Jude still can’t decide how he feels about Luke. On the one hand, Luke instilled in Jude a love of music, math, gardening, and other passions. But he also made him incapable of having a healthy sex life as an adult, made him ashamed of himself, and taught him how to cut.
Jude’s inability to think of Luke as “a monster” shows how Jude’s abusive childhood taught him to confuse abuse for love, and pain for pleasure. Nothing in his life has been devoid of suffering, and so Jude has come to see suffering as a fundamental part of all experience. This mindset, the after-effect of trauma, enables Jude to justify all manner of abuse and mistreatment in his relationships. It is enough, for Jude, that Luke loved him—even if that love was born of abuse.
Themes
No matter how many years pass, Jude can always see Luke’s face in his mind. He thinks about way back, “when he was being seduced and had been too much of a child, too naïve, too lonely and desperate for affection to know it.” Looking back, running to the greenhouse to see Luke, who called him his “beautiful boy,” was the last moment of “uncomplicated joy” that Jude felt.
The greenhouse was the first—and last—place in which Jude finds “uncomplicated joy” and security, even if even that joy was corrupted by abuse Jude was too young to understand at the time. He’s tried to regain the feeling of happiness he had with Luke in the decades that followed, and he’s failed. This simple but poignant admission explains the heart of Jude’s suffering: Jude will never find another love like Luke’s. But at the same time, that abusive love has prohibited him from recognizing or believing he deserves genuine love, respect, and compassion.
Themes
