Parenthood and Control Theme Analysis

Beautiful Boy is largely an examination of parenthood when one’s child is in crisis. For David, being a parent is both “sublime and terrifying,” because children at once bring joy as well as “piercing vulnerability” to parents. Children develop with the guidance of their parents, yet they must also separate from their parents in order to find their own way as adults. David tries to ride that balance, wanting to guide Nic’s choices as his drug use escalates without being too indulgent or too harsh. But as Nic reaches adulthood, David feels that he has no way of helping Nic or intervening on his behalf. David’s lingering need to control the situation thus proves detrimental to his own health and the wellbeing of his family. David’s biggest revelation over the course of his experience with Nic’s addiction is that he cannot control everything around him. David’s story thus makes the case that even loving parents who want the best for their struggling child must detach from that child to some extent—only then can they properly care for themselves and the rest of their family.

When David initially discovers Nic’s drug addiction, he attempts to find the best way to handle Nic and guide him toward better choices. David understands that Nic is going through a period of teenage rebellion, and he attempts to strike a balance between leniency and discipline as Nic makes choices that are harmful to himself. When David first discovers marijuana in Nic’s backpack when he is 12 years old, David describes how he doesn’t want to underreact or overreact. David talks to Nic about the harm of drugs and grounds him, trying to compromise between being too harsh (which could make Nic even more deceptive) and being too lenient. Despite this early discipline, Nic continues drinking and smoking weed regularly while he is in high school. As Nic’s behavior worsens, David feels conflicted over how to parent Nic. He describes how friends offer contradictory advice: some say kick him out, some say not to let Nic out of his sight. But David knows that kicking Nic out will only exacerbate his behavior, and not letting him out of his sight is impossible. He senses control slipping away from him, which only makes him want to tighten his grasp on his son. David continues to enlist the help of teachers and counselors to talk to Nic and steer him in the right direction. But when Nic steals the car, money, and wine for a weekend in Death Valley with friends, David responds by grounding him once again. Nic grows angry and frustrated, yelling, “You’re always trying to control me!” David’s need for control becomes apparent to Nic, which only pushes him further away. This desire for control is natural for a parent who feels their child slipping away, but it becomes worse just as Nic is trying to gain more independence as an adult.

David’s increasing desire for control mirrors the worsening of Nic’s addiction, even when Nic reaches adulthood. Slowly, that desire becomes paralyzing, illustrating how David’s inability to relinquish control over his son’s actions pushes him to the brink of depression and anxiety. After Nic drops out of Berkeley, he disappears for weeks. David grows sick with worry, describing how “it scares the hell out of me to be so lost and helpless and out of control and afraid.” This fear of having no sense of Nic’s whereabouts—something he cannot control—comes at the cost of David’s own wellbeing. When Nic finally goes to rehab, one of the counselors articulates David’s problem precisely: that “one of the most difficult things about having a child addicted to drugs is that we cannot control it. We cannot save Nic. ‘You can support his recovery but you can’t do it for him.’” The counselors suggest that David not try to control where Nic goes and who he hangs out with, because addicts cannot be controlled. They recognize that parents can become obsessed, to the point where they cannot think or care about anything else in their lives. David recognizes this in himself, saying that he is “overcome by worry and panic and a futile need for control.” This futile need for control is literally debilitating, something that lingers in the background regardless of whether Nic is currently relapsing or not. David’s anxiety becomes so bad that he wishes Nic could be expunged from his brain, illustrating how his need for control in parenting has become so overwhelming that he wishes he didn’t have to parent at all.

It is not until David has a brain hemorrhage that he recognizes the need to relinquish his control over Nic’s life. He explains that, lying in the hospital, he came to the realization that his children would survive without him if he died. He writes, “I can try to protect my children, to help and guide them, and I can love them, but I cannot save them. Nic, Jasper, and Daisy will live, and someday they will die, with or without me.” This knowledge gives David a sense of peace, as he comes to the conclusion that obsessing over and trying to control what is happening to his son is only harming him. Rather than control his son, he chooses to control how he views the situation and distances himself from Nic so that he becomes less worried over Nic’s every choice. It is difficult for any parent to let go of their children, much less one with a life-threatening addiction, but David’s understanding that his son has his own life to live provides him with the peace to live a healthier life for himself.