Darius the Great Is Not Okay

by

Adib Khorram

Darius the Great Is Not Okay: The Chiefest and Greatest of Calamities Summary & Analysis

Summary
Analysis
As Smaug the Terrible—Darius’s name for the industrial water boiler—displays an error message, Darius sweats. His boss, Mr. Apatan, wiggles a hose and returns Smaug to his normal, happy self; he reminds Darius that he doesn’t have to check the water’s temperature. At the Tea Haven at the Shoppes at Fairhaven, all tea is steeped at a full boil, despite all the printed articles Darius has given Mr. Apatan informing him that different teas require different temperatures. The Tea Haven doesn’t carry nice teas, though, which Darius finds deeply offensive. He’s only half Persian, but he inherited the entire Persian tea-loving gene from Mom. He enjoys her Farsi tea joke (that Persians make tea by “put[ing] hell in it and damn[ing] it”; in Farsi, hel is cardamom and dam is “to steep”). Mr. Apatan doesn’t think the joke is funny.
The reader’s first introduction to protagonist Darius shows them what he cares about: The Lord of the Rings series (Smaug is a dragon antagonist in The Hobbit, J. R. R. Tolkien’s prequel novel) and tea. The tea in particular ties Darius to his Persian (Iranian) identity, and he has very particular ideas about the appropriate way that one should steep and drink tea. He’s also able to find the humor in this particular hobby with the Farsi tea joke. This highlights that Darius himself is fun loving and willing to look critically and humorously at his Persian culture—though Mr. Apatan, on the other hand, isn’t.
Themes
Persian Identity and Culture Theme Icon
At Mr. Apatan’s request, Darius refills sample thermoses and restocks plastic sample cups, which he finds disgusting—though there’s enough sugar in the tea here to maybe hide the plastic taste. The Tea Haven is a pretty good place to work and hopefully, Darius can work at an artisanal tea shop next—or ideally, at Rose City Teas. But disaster strikes when Darius hears Trent Bolger laughing outside. Trent and one of his “Soulless Minions of Orthodoxy,” Chip Cusumano, enter the shop. Trent greets Darius by calling him “D’s Nuts.” Mom and Dad actually named Darius after Darius the Great, but he’s anything but great. He’s just Trent’s biggest, easiest target.
Darius is, at this point, happy to have a job that isn’t terrible. When he’s so worried about Trent and Chip’s arrival, though, it suggests that part of the appeal of the Tea Haven gig is that nobody bullies Darius there, unlike at school. Interestingly, Darius seems to feel like he’s entirely powerless to stop the bullying—it’s just a fact, in his mind, that he’s nothing like the ancient ruler Darius the Great, whom he’s named after and whom he figures never suffered bullying. Darius has instead accepted a very different identity, one where he’s destined to be bullied.
Themes
Persian Identity and Culture Theme Icon
Bullying  Theme Icon
Technically speaking, Trent isn’t a bully. His and Darius’s high school, Chapel Hill, has a zero tolerance policy toward bullying. Basically, because everyone tolerates Trent’s bad behavior, he’s not a bully. He’s a poor athlete and isn’t attractive at all, and yet he’s wildly popular. Cyprian “Chip” Cusumano is better-looking and cooler, and he’s nicer—so he’s less popular. Trent shares a last name with Fredegar “Fatty” Bolger, the most boring Hobbit from Lord of the Rings. And yet, Darius has never called Trent “Fatty.”
Though Darius presents it as a fact that Trent is a terrible bully, notice that on some level, he’s aware that bullying is a choice. It’s possible, Darius acknowledges, to make fun of anyone for some reason—he could make fun of Trent’s name if he so chose. But he chooses not to. This suggests that Trent could also choose not to be a bully, but Darius doesn’t seem able to acknowledge that Trent is also making a choice to be cruel when he calls Darius mean names.
Themes
Bullying  Theme Icon
Darius has worked hard to not let anyone at school find out where he works specifically to avoid Trent. But now, Darius greets Trent with the corporate-mandated greeting. When Trent asks if the shop sells tea bags and suggests that Darius might really enjoy them, Darius is reminded that he’s not in a place with a zero-tolerance bullying policy. Darius says he’s trying to work and offers Trent a sample of Orange Blossom Awesome Herbal Tisane. Trent declares the tea tastes like “orange juice and balls.” Just then, Mr. Apatan appears and asks if Darius brewed the tea right. Winking, Trent calls Darius “D-Bag” and leaves. Mr. Apatan says the tea is perfect, asks if Trent called Darius “tea bag,” and asks if Trent is a friend from school.
Being bullied by Trent at work is even more traumatic than it might be otherwise because of Mr. Apatan’s obliviousness—he has no idea that Trent is tormenting Darius with cruel jokes about testicles and sex acts. This makes Darius feel even more alone and powerless, as the one person in this situation who could stand up for him has no idea that’s even necessary. This passage also highlights how society’s insistence that Darius be polite to customers at work keeps him from standing up for himself: he could risk being reprimanded if he told Trent to go away.
Themes
Bullying  Theme Icon
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