How to Win Friends and Influence People

by

Dale Carnegie

How to Win Friends and Influence People: Part 2, Chapter 1 Summary & Analysis

Summary
Analysis
The dog is the “greatest winner of friends” that the world has ever known. They wag their tails and show how much they like you, and as a result, they easily win people over. Carnegie explains that dogs know by instinct what people need to learn: it is much easier to make friends by becoming interested in other people than it is by getting people interested in you.
Here, Carnegie uses dogs to symbolize the benefits of selflessness. Dogs are much more interested in others than themselves, and it is due to this that they can easily “win friends,” per the book’s title. This passage suggests that to win friends the way that dogs do, people should also become interested in others.
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Quotes
People are generally more interested in themselves than others: for example, “I” is the most common word in conversation, and people always look for themselves in photos first. Thus, trying to impress others and make oneself interesting will never garner many true friends—it is better to be interested in other people.
Again, Carnegie highlights the paradox in human relations. Our instinct is to be self-interested, as Carnegie points out in these relatable examples. But the best way to get ahead is to be selfless—to prioritize others instead.
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Carnegie once took a short story course, wherein the professor—a leading magazine editor—said that if an author doesn’t like people, people won’t like their stories. You have to be interested in people to be a successful writer, and Carnegie knows the same is true when dealing with people face-to-face. So did Howard Thurston, the famous magician who before every show said “I love my audience” over and over before stepping out from behind the curtain. Where other magicians might think of the audience as suckers that they can trick, Thurston told Carnegie that he is grateful to people for making it possible for him to make his living as a magician. This is why he vows to give them the best show he can.
Carnegie again stresses that being self-interested won’t take anyone very far—whether in writing, in performing, or in day-to-day interactions. His discussion of Howard Thurston also illustrates that the interest has to be sincere. He was successful precisely because he genuinely loved and appreciated his audience—whereas other magicians are preoccupied with taking advantage of or tricking their audiences.
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Sincerity and Appreciation vs. Insincerity and Flattery Theme Icon
Being interested in others can also grant opportunities, like it did for George Dyke, who retired from his service station business and took up the fiddle. After attending many local concerts and getting to know the musicians, he gained a reputation as a fiddler and was able to come out of retirement to do what he loved: music. Teddy Roosevelt was also interested in others—he greeted all the White House servants by name and made it a point to know facts about them. As a result, he was well-loved by all of his staff.
Both of these stories illustrate the importance of prioritizing others, because doing so can earn people good will. At the same time, it shows how doing this (for example, supporting people at concerts, or getting to know their names and interests) can ultimately help  oneself be well-liked and achieve one’s goals, not just benefit other people. In this way, those who are selfless ironically benefit themselves.
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Carnegie’s student Edward M. Sykes also found advantage in being interested in others. He was a sales representative for Johnson and Johnson, and one of his clients, a drugstore in Massachusetts, was debating whether to continue buying Johnson and Johnson products. But the soda clerk and salesclerk told the owner that Sykes always took time to chat with them, whereas other salespeople never did—if anyone deserved their business, it was Sykes. And so, the drugstore kept buying the products.
This story is another example of how being genuinely interested in and prioritizing others can help oneself in the long run as well. Sykes was only able to keep the drugstore’s business by taking the time to speak to the soda clerk and salesclerk.
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Carnegie experienced this himself—whenever he is teaching and wants prominent guests to come in and give lectures, he has the students write about how much they admire the person’s work and how they are deeply interested in getting the person’s advice—which often persuades them to give lectures. All people, he writes, like people who admire them.
Carnegie’s personal anecdote illustrates another point: that everyone likes feeling important. Therefore, those who are able to make others feel important can be very influential, just as Carnegie’s students were in attracting guest lecturers.
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Carnegie states that to make friends, people have to put themselves out to do things for other people—things that require time, energy, and thoughtfulness. For years, Carnegie has made it a point to find out his friends’ birthdays and write them down in his calendar. When he sends a telegram or letter, people appreciate this immensely, as he is often the only person who remembers.
Here, Carnegie illustrates how unselfish people can distinguish themselves from others, because most people normally act in their own interests. Because Carnegie makes the effort to celebrate his friends, he stands out in their minds.
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Showing genuine interest in others not only wins friends—it may also develop loyalty to a person’s company. When employees remember details about their clients, the clients are much more likely to stay with the same business.
Carnegie illustrates how this concept isn’t just true of friends but can also be true in business. Prioritizing and taking an interest in others can help maintain relationships with client, and are therefore key components of success.
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In one example, Charles Walters, who worked at one of New York’s largest banks, was asked to prepare a confidential report of a certain corporation. He met with the corporation’s president, who was vague about the company, giving Walters no information. But during the visit, Walters learned that the man’s 12-year-old son collected stamps. When he returned the next day with stamps for the boy, the president was so excited and grateful that he divulged everything Walters wanted to know.
Walters’s story demonstrates the same point: by taking an interest in what the president wanted and making an effort to be selfless, Walter was rewarded because the president was more willing to talk to him openly. This is a concrete example of how selflessness often helps people get what they want.
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In another example, Carnegie’s student C.M. Knaphle was trying to sell fuel to a large chain store for years, but they instead purchased fuel from an out-of-town dealer. Knaphle cursed the chain store to Carnegie, who suggested that they set up a debate about the merit of chain stores in the class. Having to defend the chain store, Knaphle asked to meet with an executive of the chain store that he hated. At the meeting, Knaphle asked why the man thought chain stores were positive for the country. The man was excited to talk about the subject, and at the end he also offered to buy Knaphle’s fuel—Knaphle made more headway in two hours by becoming genuinely interested in the executive than he made in 10 years trying to talk about the product.
Knaphle’s change in strategy underscores Carnegie’s principles as well. Initially, he simply cares about how he can benefit from selling fuel to the large chain store. And rather than talking in terms of what the executive needs, Knaphle talks about the product. But as soon as Knaphle forms a genuine personal connection with the chain store executive and makes him feel important, Knaphle is able to sell the fuel without even trying.
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It’s important that interest in other people is sincere. Carnegie’s student Martin Ginsberg discusses how he underwent major orthopedic surgery at 10 years old. The day before surgery (which happened to be Thanksgiving), his mother was unable to visit, and his father was dead. He was overwhelmed with loneliness and despair. A young nurse heard his sobbing and told him that she was lonely as well, as she had to work on Thanksgiving. She brought in dinner for the two of them and kept him company until 11 p.m. Ginsberg carries that memory with him through every Thanksgiving, appreciating the stranger’s kindness.
Just as Carnegie emphasizes that appreciation must be sincere (otherwise it is simply flattery), he also notes that interest in others must be equally sincere. The point isn’t to feign interest for the purpose of getting what one wants. Again, the most important aspect of Carnegie’s principles to act from a genuine place of selflessness.
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Sincerity and Appreciation vs. Insincerity and Flattery Theme Icon