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Part 3, Chapter 2
Themes
Key
LitCharts assigns a color and icon to each theme in How to Win Friends and Influence People, which you can use to track the themes throughout the work.
Self-Interest vs. Selflessness
Importance and Humility
Positivity vs. Negativity
Sincerity and Appreciation vs. Insincerity and Flattery
Summary
Analysis
Close to Carnegie’s house, there is a stretch of park where he lets his dog off leash. Once, however, a policeman stopped Carnegie and told him angrily that it is against the law to let his dog off leash. Carnegie said he didn’t think the dog would do any harm, but he promised to obey. But gradually, Carnegie decided to take his chances and let the dog off leash—and another day, the policeman again approached him. But before the policeman could say anything, Carnegie admitted that what he did was wrong and that he has no excuses. Because of Carnegie’s admission, the policeman let him off easily and told him that if he went over the hill where the policeman couldn’t see him, it would be okay to let the dog run around.
In the last chapter, Carnegie suggested that it’s important to acknowledge that you might be wrong in any disagreement. Here, he illustrates that when you know you’re wrong, it’s crucial to be humble and admit it quickly. Because Carnegie was willing to admit his mistake, he headed off the policeman’s criticism and got a much more understanding response from the man than if Carnegie had argued instead.
Themes
When you know you are going to be rebuked, it is better to admit it yourself. People are more inclined to be generous and forgiving as a result. One artist, Ferdinand Warren, discusses how he often worked with a very critical art director in publishing who would find fault in every piece. One day after delivering a piece to this director, he got a call to visit the man’s office. When Warren arrived, he immediately apologized for his errors, profusely criticizing himself and saying that he would do the painting over. Hearing this, the man praised the work and assured Warren that he only wanted a minor change. They also had lunch afterward, building a more friendly relationship overall.
Wesson’s story underscores Carnegie’s point that it is always beneficial to be humble and admit mistakes. Warren’s contrition made the art director much more forgiving (requesting only a minor change in the piece) and even led to a friendlier bond between them. This illustrates how Warren’s humility and willingness to admit his mistakes made him much more successful than if he had acted self-important and defensive.
Themes
Admitting one’s mistakes takes courage, but it is satisfying. It clears the air of guilt and defensiveness and helps solve the problems. Once, Bruce Harvey incorrectly paid wages to an employee on sick leave. Knowing he had to tell his boss, he opened by apologizing. The manager blew up, blaming several other departments while Harvey repeated it was his fault. Finally acknowledging that it was Harvey’s fault, the boss asked him to straighten it out, and the boss respected that he was able to handle a tense situation and not make excuses.
In this passage, Carnegie emphasizes how even though many people view admitting mistakes as demoralizing or upsetting, in reality, being humble in this way usually improves the situation. It allows people to move on from their mistakes and often creates better outcomes than becoming argumentative or deflecting blame. Bruce Harvey avoided all of these pitfalls here, and as a result, his boss was actually impressed with (rather than disappointed in) his behavior.
Themes
Robert E. Lee blamed himself completely for the failure of Pickett’s charge at Gettysburg: General George Pickett and his devoted troops charged a weak point in the Union’s strongholds, but the Union army correctly guessed where they would try to attack and hid there. This charge ultimately killed more than half of Pickett’s men—a turning point that spelled doom for the Confederacy. Lee could have blamed others, but he accepted the blame himself, somberly meeting what remained of Pickett’s troops when they returned and apologizing—which few generals have ever done.
This is yet another example—this time from history—of how humility is a key aspect of leadership. Carnegie commends Confederate General Robert E. Lee for being willing to take responsibility for the mistakes he made, suggesting that everyone should be able to maintain that same humility—particularly in circumstances that aren’t life and death, like this one.
Themes
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Michael Cheung, who teaches Carnegie’s course in Hong Kong, explains how Chinese culture can present some particular problems in this area. One of his students was a middle-aged man who was estranged from his son, and in Chinese tradition, an older person does not usually take the first step to reconcile. However, he deeply longed to meet his grandchildren and said that it was more important to lose face by asking forgiveness than to stick to tradition. He went to his son’s house and as a result, he was able to rebuild his relationship with his son.
Here, Carnegie addresses how there are sometimes cultural differences that dictate whether people are willing or able to admit mistakes. But he maintains that regardless of cultural norms, owning up to one’s mistakes can be crucial to repairing relationships, as it was for this father and son.
Themes
When we are right, it’s important to win people over gently and tactfully. And when we are wrong, we should admit our mistakes quickly and enthusiastically—it is a lot easier than defending ourselves. Carnegie cites a proverb: “by fighting, you never get enough, but by yielding, you get more than you expected.”
Here, Carnegie ties this chapter’s lesson to the previous chapter’s: arguing and negativity never get you what you want, according to the proverb. By contrast, humility and positivity are much more effective and will perhaps even allow you to exceed your expectations.
Themes
