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Part 3, Chapter 5
Themes
Key
LitCharts assigns a color and icon to each theme in How to Win Friends and Influence People, which you can use to track the themes throughout the work.
Self-Interest vs. Selflessness
Importance and Humility
Positivity vs. Negativity
Sincerity and Appreciation vs. Insincerity and Flattery
Summary
Analysis
When handling complaints, it is important to let the other person do most of the talking. Don’t interrupt, simply listen patiently and with an open mind. In one example, Mr. R. represented an upholstery manufacturer and was negotiating with a car company, vying to sell his products. He arrived at the meeting with a case of laryngitis, and as a result, the president of the car company made his case for him, pointing out the benefits of his products. Mr. R. was then awarded $1.6 million in sales, and he realized after that conference how much it pays to let other people do the talking.
This chapter focuses on some of the tactics that Carnegie introduced in Part 2, like the importance of being a good listener and having humility in a conversation. In this case, Carnegie illustrates how this not only helps win people over but can actually be an effective business strategy. This is because it makes the other person feel important, and that their voice and input is being heard.
Themes
In another example, Barbara Wilson and her daughter Laurie’s relationship struggled when Laurie became a teenager and started to act out. Barbara scolded and threatened and punished Laurie, to no avail. One day, after Laurie disobeyed her, instead of yelling, she simply asked, “Why?” Laurie then told Barbara that she never listened and was always telling Laurie to do things. Barbara realized how much Laurie needed her guidance. Now, Barbara listens more, and their relationship has improved as a result.
Barbara’s example illustrates the importance of listening and prioritizing her daughter’s voice, and it returns to the idea that positivity is better than negativity. Part of Laurie’s problem is that she feels Barbara criticizes her all the time, instead of giving her guidance about how to grow up. Thus, this episode illustrates the importance of both positivity and humility in disagreements.
Themes
Charles T. Cubelson was applying for a job, and before his interview, he found out every possible thing about the person who founded the business. Then Cubelson was able to ask the founder questions about how he started the business, his experience, and the challenges he faced. As a result, the founder immediately hired him.
Being humble in conversation and taking the time to prioritize others rather than yourself can actually help get what you want, as in the case of this man applying for a job.
Themes
Richard Pryor discusses a similar experience: when he was interviewing someone who was hesitant about taking a job at Pryor’s firm, he let the interviewee talk through the negatives. But with each point he brought up, the interviewee quickly refuted himself, so that by the end of the interview he convinced himself to take the job.
In this situation, Pryor also remained humble in the conversation—and in doing so, the other person actually refuted all of his own hesitations about taking the job. This also connects to the following chapter, in which Carnegie argues that it’s important to make people feel like an idea is theirs. In this case, because the man sold himself on the job, he was much happier about taking it.
Themes
Get the entire How to Win Friends and Influence People LitChart as a printable PDF.
Even friends would much rather talk about their achievements than ours, which is why it’s best not to boast too much about our own triumphs. Henrietta G. discovered this when she would brag about the accounts she opened every day, and her colleagues started to resent her for it. After taking Carnegie’s course, she stopped talking about herself and started listening to her friends’ accomplishments, and they stopped resenting her as a result. The key, she realized, is to let others do most of the talking.
This story again underscores the importance of being humble, as being self-important and talking about one’s own accomplishments only makes people frustrated. Instead, it’s best to make other people feel important by asking about their achievements, because humility is much more appealing to others.
Themes
