How to Win Friends and Influence People: Part 3, Chapter 9 Summary & Analysis

The best phrase to stop arguments and create good will is “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.” An answer like this will help soften anyone you’re talking to. Most people are thirsting for sympathy and will love you for giving it.

Carnegie once gave a broadcast discussing Louisa May Alcott, and he incorrectly stated that she wrote Little Women in Concord, New Hampshire rather than Concord, Massachusetts. He was bombarded with indignant letters and telegrams, one from a woman who was particularly wrathful. He started to write a scathing letter back, but then he decided to turn her hostility to friendliness.

Carnegie called the woman on the telephone and immediately apologized, thanking her for taking the time to write. She apologized in return for losing her temper in the letter and stated that she was born in Concord and was very proud of her state—this is why she was distressed at the error. At the end of the call, she thanked Carnegie for being so kind and accepting her criticism.

President Taft appreciated the value of sympathy: one woman whose husband had political influence asked him to give her son a job. He appointed someone else, and she sent him a harsh letter, asking if this was how he thanked her for getting him the votes for a bill he wanted. While his impulse was to be severe for her impropriety, he waited two days and instead said that he understood a mother’s disappointment, but that the appointment was not simply due to personal preference. She sent a note back saying that she was sorry for what she wrote. When Taft later put on a musical at the White House, the woman and her husband were the first to arrive and to greet him.

Jay Mangum represented an escalator company and had to schedule a repair in a leading hotel. The manager did not want to shut down the escalator for more than two hours because he did not want to inconvenience the guests—but the repair would take at least eight hours. Mangum sympathized and explained that he wanted to accommodate the hotel, but if they didn’t do a complete job, the escalator could suffer more serious damage which would cause a longer shutdown. The manager then understood and agreed to Mangum’s demands without any rancor.

Sympathy worked for a piano teacher trying to get her student to trim her nails, and it worked for an opera producer when convincing his star that he could go on despite a sore throat. As psychologist Arthur Gates says, people universally crave sympathy—like a child displaying a cut or bruise to be comforted. Adults relay their problems for the same reason, so the best way to win people over is to sympathize with their ideas or desires.