Rowan's inner monologue suggests that mentally, he's returning to the mindset he held for the non-apprentice portions of his life as a coping mechanism. Per his logic, his life doesn't matter now anyway since he's going to let Citra win, so it isn’t so bad if he participates in Goddard's parties. This again shows that behaving morally isn't a state of being; it's a choice that must be made repeatedly.