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Chapter 2
Themes
Key
LitCharts assigns a color and icon to each theme in So You Want to Talk About Race, which you can use to track the themes throughout the work.
Racism, Privilege, and White Supremacy
Confronting Racial Pain
Intersectionality, Oppression, and Social Justice
Cultural Appropriation
Summary
Analysis
Despite growing up in a mixed-race household, Oluo doesn’t think she has a meaningful conversation about racism with her white mother until she’s 34. When Oluo is younger, her mother gives her advice that all parents of black kids have to: about avoiding cops, being followed, and hair and skin shaming. Oluo’s mother never assumes that Oluo’s blackness will hold her back in life. Oluo thinks her mother’s optimism is directly related to her positive experiences in the world as a white person. At home, Oluo feels smart, beautiful, black, and kind. But outside the home, it’s hard for Oluo’s mother to see “the everyday hurdles we had to jump, the tiny cuts of racism that we endured throughout our lives.”
Oluo’s nod to her mixed-race heritage hints once again that everybody’s experience with oppression is slightly different: it’s determined by a number of intersecting factors (including race, gender, wealth, and more). Her mother’s advice to avoid cops implies that the institution of law enforcement is geared toward targeting people of color, which underscores that racism is systemic in the U.S. Oluo’s description of “everyday hurdles” and “cuts of racism” underscores the perpetual emotional burden of confronting racism on a daily basis.
Themes
Oluo dreads talking about race with well-meaning white people who think they “get it.” One day, Oluo’s mother calls to say that she can identify with black people because she raised three black kids. Oluo cringes. They talk about the difference between loving black people and “being an actual black person who experiences the full force of a white supremacist society first hand.” Oluo admits that she has light-skinned privilege but not white privilege, noting that historically, mixed-race people still had to be slaves. She and her mother talk about how and when to discuss race in non-triggering ways. Afterward, Oluo’s surprised to see her mother’s behavior shifting. Oluo’s mother stops trying to identify with black people and starts focusing on how she can pressure fellow-white people to do better.
Oluo warns her readers not to confuse knowing black people with “being an actual black person” who lives with racism day in and day out. This means that people who think they “get it” probably still have things to learn. In making this point, Oluo reemphasizes the intersectional nature of her experience with racism: she’s oppressed as a person of color but also somewhat privileged as a light-skinned person of color. This means that a person whose situation is slightly different has different experiences with racism (like Oluo’s mother, who has mixed-race children but isn’t black herself). Oluo thinks it’s important to be sensitive to these differences when talking about race, acknowledge that everybody’s lived-experience is valid, and avoid assuming that one person’s experience is the same as another’s (which is what her mother initially does). Oluo’s feeling of dread again stresses the emotional burden of talking about racism as a person of color, and her description of the U.S. as a white supremacist society reminds the reader that systemic racism is the ultimate source of these difficulties and problems.
Themes
Oluo knows that conversations about race can get heated and uncomfortable. As a black woman, Oluo doesn’t enjoy talking about race, but she believes that ignoring race only makes it more necessary to have such conversations. Often, she finds that ignoring race actually makes things racist. When employers enforce hair-style restrictions that ignore the needs of black women (for example, prohibiting braids), they make race an issue by ignoring it. Oluo just wants to go to work, educate her kids, and enjoy movies like everyone else. But the truth is, she lives in a society where a person’s race affects their chances in life, and ignoring race won’t change that.
Oluo explicitly addresses the emotional labor involved in addressing systemic racism. She argues that it’s everybody’s responsibility to ensure their society is fair and just. Often, however, the burden of calling out unfair and unjust practices falls on those they oppress. People of color, like everybody else, don’t want to tackle racism all the time. They just want to live happy lives, but they can’t do that unless everybody does their part. This is why complacency about systemic racism is actively racist: it shifts the burden of making a change onto people who are already doing more than their part.
Themes
Oluo wishes that she could guarantee her readers will never screw up a race conversation again after reading this book, but she can’t. However, she has some tips to help privileged people avoid “conversation disaster.” She recommends thinking about the purpose and goals of the conversation beforehand, as communicating specific intentions helps others determine if they’re willing to join that conversation. She also warns against shifting the topic if things get heated. If the top priority is understanding race better, it’s important to resist making the conversation about your feelings or your ego if you start feeling defensive.
Oluo thinks that many conversations about race end in “disaster” because people struggle to handle difficult or uncomfortable emotions. People who mean well but get it wrong often become defensive, angry, or hurt; they try to lash out because their ego is wounded, which can derail conversations. It’s important, Oluo advises, to explicitly identify systemic racism as the target or problem and try to mitigate focusing on defensive urges.
Themes
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Next, Oluo suggests doing some homework. If you don’t know terms or definitions, Google them to avoid wasting people’s time and frustrating them. Even during a conversation, you can Google something to avoid making others explain things to you. She also recommends being mindful of other groups. If your argument helps with the race issue but is sexist, transphobic, or ableist, that’s not okay. Oluo thinks that we need to battle all forms of oppression. She also suggests taking a pause if you start to feel defensive, asking yourself if the focus has shifted to your ego, and taking a few minutes to calm down so that you can say what you really mean.
Oluo thinks that conversations about race often place an unfair burden on people of color to educate others on things they don’t know. This is problematic because it requires more labor from somebody who’s already disadvantaged. Oluo stresses again how important it is to be mindful of intersectionality: people are oppressed for many reasons in U.S. society, and the ultimate goal of conversations about social justice should be justice for everyone. Therefore, saying something progressive about race that marginalizes other groups is counterproductive.
Themes
Oluo next warns against tone policing. She says, don’t try to control the way people talk about their racial experiences. Oluo also recommends trying to avoid saying “I” or “me” too much, and focus more on listening to people of color. Remember, she says, that the target is a system that makes people racist. Finally, Oluo reminds people not to force people of color into talking about race. They have to live with it every day, and race conversations are “painful and exhausting.” If it’s not a good time, there will be other opportunities.
Oluo reemphasizes that conversations about race should avoid unfairly burdening somebody who’s already disenfranchised. Asking people to change their tone is problematic because it demands more labor from the person of color, and it shifts the focus of the conversation away from how to reduce systemic racism and toward making others communicate in a way that meets the privileged person’s approval. Oluo continues stressing the pervasive emotional burden of “painful and exhausting” feelings on people of color to confront their racial pain every time they talk about race.
Themes
Oluo says that even with the best of intentions, and no matter how much you prepare, there will be times when a conversation goes south—you don’t know what happened, but you messed up. Here’s Oluo’s advice for those situations: first, don’t try to save the conversation. It can feel frustrating to leave a conversation unfinished or feeling misunderstood, but likely, whatever else you try to say will just make things worse. It’s better to revisit it another time. Second, apologize and take ownership of your mistakes. Third, don’t rewrite the conversation in your head as that time you tried or meant well but got attacked. Think of it instead as a conversation about a difficult topic that didn’t go well.
One of the tricky things about living in a society where racism is systemic is the amount of social conditioning a privileged person has to resist to stop being inadvertently racist. This means it’s likely that privileged people will mess up or say the wrong thing, because they’ve been conditioned in a certain way. Oluo thinks it’s important to remember the goal of eliminating racism (including one’s own unintended racism) is a process—it demands patience and persistence.
Themes
Fourth, don’t demand credit for meaning well. If you hurt someone, your good intentions won’t make them hurt less. Fifth, forgive yourself. Instead of drowning in guilt for offending someone, focus on what you’ve learned so you can apply it in future conversations. Sixth, remember that difficult conversations are worth it for the goal of social justice. Oluo says that even if a conversation goes horribly, you have to keep trying—otherwise, your complacency continues to fuel the oppression of people of color.
Oluo stresses that perseverance isn’t only worthwhile, it’s necessary—giving up or avoiding the issue because it’s uncomfortable allows systemic racism to continue. Thus, the only way to be antiracist is to confront these difficult conversations and actively seek change.
Themes
Oluo concludes that conversations about racial oppression are inevitably emotional and anger-inducing. Oppression is an upsetting topic, but ignoring it won’t make it go away. Oluo recommends talking with people of other races and also having conversations with people of your same race. To Oluo, if you’re white and you don’t want to have painful conversations, then you’re shifting the burden of tackling racism onto people of color. Oluo also advises people of color to confront their internalized racism and make space to heal. She encourages all people to have these conversations, because as tough as they are now, they’ll help make things better in the future.
Oluo acknowledges the emotional burden—on all parties involved—of talking about race. It’s painful for privileged people to confront their own racism, and it’s painful for people of color to address their trauma. She stresses once again that it’s important to face this discomfort head on, especially for privileged people—avoiding uncomfortable conversations shifts the burden of seeking justice onto people who are already disenfranchised, which, again, only perpetuates racism.
Themes
