CELIA

Please, Rosalind, my sweet cousin, be happy.

ROSALIND

Dear Celia, I already look happier than I feel, and you want me to look even happier? Unless you can teach me to forget my banished father, you shouldn't try to teach me to remember any great happiness.

CELIA

Now I see that you don't love me as much as I love you. If instead my uncle (your banished father), had banished your uncle (the duke my father), I could have learned to love your father as my own as long as you were still with me. You would do the same, if your love for me was as true and well-forged as mine is for you.

ROSALIND

Well, then I'll try to forget my situation and instead rejoice in yours.

CELIA

You know that I'm my father's only child, and he isn't likely to have another. So when he dies you will be his heir—because whatever he took from your father by force, I will return to you with affection. By my honor I will do this, and if I break this oath let me turn into a monster. So my sweet Rose, my dear Rose, be happy.

ROSALIND

From now on I will, cousin. And I'll make up games for us to play. Let me see—what do you think about falling in love?

CELIA

Oh yes, please do, so we can make a game of it. But don't fall in love with a man in earnest, or take the game too far. Otherwise you won't be able to get out of it easily and with your honor intact.

ROSALIND

What game should we play, then?

CELIA

Let us sit and mock the good housewife Fortune, until she starts bestowing her gifts more equally.

ROSALIND

I wish that we could, for her gifts are indeed wrongly distributed. And Fortune makes the most mistakes in the gifts she gives to women.

CELIA

It's true, because the women she makes beautiful she rarely makes chaste. And those that she makes chaste she also makes ugly.

ROSALIND

No, now you're getting Fortune and Nature confused. Fortune determines what happens to us, while Nature decides how we're made.

CELIA

Really? If Nature has made a beautiful woman, can't Fortune then make her fall into a fire? Even though Nature has given us the wit to mock Fortune, hasn't Fortune then sent in this fool to interrupt our conversation?

ROSALIND

Indeed, here Fortune is stronger than Nature.  Fortune sends a natural fool to cut off we two women using our Nature-bestowed wit.

CELIA

Although maybe this isn't Fortune's work after all, but Nature's instead. Maybe Nature perceives that we aren't witty enough to be discussing goddesses, so she sent us this fool to sharpen our wits against. The dullness of fools always acts as a sharpening stone for witty people. 

[To TOUCHSTONE]   How are you, you wit? Where are you wandering off to?

TOUCHSTONE

Mistress, you must come and see your father.

CELIA

Did he make you the messenger?

TOUCHSTONE

No, by my honor. But I was told to come for you.

ROSALIND

Where did you learn to swear "by my honor," fool?

TOUCHSTONE

I learned it from a certain knight who swore by his honor that the pancakes he was eating were good, and swore by his honor that the mustard on them was bad. Now, I'll swear that the pancakes were bad and the mustard was good, and yet even so the knight wasn't a liar.

CELIA

How are you going to prove that, out of your great heap of knowledge?

ROSALIND

Yes, please, now unleash your wisdom.

TOUCHSTONE

Both of you come forward now: stroke your chins and swear by your beards that I am a dishonest man.

CELIA

By our beards (if we had them), you are a dishonest man.

TOUCHSTONE

And I swear by my dishonesty (if I had it) that I am. But if you swear by something that doesn't exist, then your oath isn't binding. So this knight couldn't swear by his honor, for he never had any honor. Or if he ever did, he had sworn it away long before he ever saw those pancakes and that mustard.

CELIA

Do tell, who is this knight that you're referring to?

TOUCHSTONE

Someone that old Frederick, your father, loves.

CELIA

If he has my father's love, then that is honor enough. Speak no more of him. You'll be whipped for slander one of these days.

TOUCHSTONE

It's a pity that fools aren't allowed to speak wisely about what wise men do foolishly.

CELIA

I swear, you speak the truth. For ever since the fools' small wisdom was silenced, the wise men's small foolishness has become much more apparent. Here comes Sir Le Beau.

ROSALIND

With his mouth full of news.

CELIA

Which he'll shove down our throats like a pigeon feeding its young.

ROSALIND

Then we'll be crammed full of news.

CELIA

All the better. We'll be worth more when we're fattened up. Good morning, Sir Le Beau. What's the news?

LE BEAU

Fair princess, you've missed some good sport.

CELIA

Sport? Of what color?

LE BEAU

What color, madam? I don't understand. How should I answer that?

ROSALIND

As your wit and fortune permit you.

TOUCHSTONE

Or as the Fates say you should.

CELIA

Well said. You laid that on thick.

TOUCHSTONE

Well, if I don't perform as I should according to my rank—

ROSALIND

You'll lose your old smell.

LE BEAU

You confuse me, ladies. I was going to tell you about a good wrestling match, which you have missed.

ROSALIND

Tell us what kind of wrestling.

LE BEAU

I'll tell you about the beginning, and if it's still interesting to your Ladyships, then you can go see the end. The best is yet to come, and they're coming to perform it right here where you are.

CELIA

Well, the beginning is already dead and buried.

LE BEAU

There comes an old man and his three sons—

CELIA

It sounds like the beginning of a folk tale.

LE BEAU

Three proper young men, all good looking and with charismatic presence—

ROSALIND

With signs around their necks saying: "Let it be known to all men by these presents."

LE BEAU

The eldest of the three brothers wrestled with Charles, the duke's wrestler, and Charles threw him quickly, breaking three of his ribs. There's not much hope that he will survive. Charles then did the same to the second brother, and then to the third. They're lying over there. And the poor old man, their father, weeps so pitifully over them that all the onlookers are crying too.

ROSALIND

Oh my!

TOUCHSTONE

But what was the sport, sir, that the ladies missed?

LE BEAU

Why, the wrestling I just spoke of.

TOUCHSTONE

Men must be getting wiser every day. This is the first time I ever heard about rib-breaking as a sport for ladies.

CELIA

Me too, I promise you.

ROSALIND

But doesn't anyone else want to hear the broken music of breathing through broken ribs? Does anyone else love rib-breaking? Should we go see this wrestling, cousin?

LE BEAU

You'll have to if you stay here, as this is the place where the wrestling is scheduled, and they are ready to begin.

CELIA

Yes, I see them coming from over there. Let's  stay and watch.

DUKE FREDERICK

Come on. Since the youth can't be reasoned with, let him suffer for his eagerness.

ROSALIND

Is that the man?

LE BEAU

Indeed it is, madam.

CELIA

Oh dear, he is too young. But he looks capable.

DUKE FREDERICK

How goes it, daughter and niece? Have you snuck over here to see the wrestling?

ROSALIND

Yes, my lord, if you'll give us your permission.

DUKE FREDERICK

You won't enjoy it very much, I can tell you, as the odds are stacked against this man. Because of the challenger's youth, I've been trying to discourage him from fighting. But he won't listen. You speak to him, ladies. See if you can convince him.

CELIA

Call him here, good Sir Le Beau.

DUKE FREDERICK

You go ahead—I won't be here.

LE BEAU

Sir Challenger, the Princess calls for you.

ORLANDO

I'll wait on them with all respect and duty.

ROSALIND

Young man, have you challenged Charles the wrestler?

ORLANDO

No, lovely princess. He is the general challenger. I have only come in, like the others, to test the strength of my youth against him.

CELIA

Young gentleman, your spirits are too bold for your age. You have seen the cruel proof of this man's strength. If you would take a step back and look at yourself and then use your judgment, your fear of what you are about to try to do would teach you to find an endeavor more suitable for your abilities. We beg you, for your own sake, to embrace your own safety and give up this attempt.

ROSALIND

Please do, young sir. Your reputation won't be hurt. We will beg the duke ourselves that the wrestling match be cancelled.

ORLANDO

I beg you, don't punish me by thinking poorly of me, though I confess that I must be guilty if I can deny anything to such beautiful and excellent ladies as you. Instead, may your fair eyes and good wishes support me in this fight. If I'm beaten, then the shame belongs solely to me, a man who was never gracious. And if I'm killed, it will only mean the death of a man already willing to die. I won't be hurting any of my friends, for I have no friends to grieve for me. And I won't be hurting the world, for I have nothing in it. I only take up space in the world, and maybe my space can be filled by someone worthier once I'm gone.

ROSALIND

I wish that the little strength I have were with you.

CELIA

And mine too, to join hers.

ROSALIND

Good luck. I pray to God that I'm wrong about you.

CELIA

May you get your heart's desires.

CHARLES

Come, where is this young show-off who is so eager to lie with his mother earth?

ORLANDO

Ready, sir; but I have a more modest desire.

DUKE FREDERICK

You will only get one round.

CHARLES

No, I'm sure your Grace won't be able to convince him to try a second round, just as you couldn't convince him not to try a first round.

ORLANDO

You should mock me after the match, not before. But come on.

ROSALIND

Now Hercules give you speed, young man!

CELIA

I wish I were invisible, so I could trip the legs of the strong fellow to help the young man.

ROSALIND

Oh, excellent young man!

CELIA

If I could shoot thunderbolts from my eyes, I can tell you who would be thrown down.

DUKE FREDERICK

No more, no more.

ORLANDO

Yes, more, I beg your Grace. I'm hardly warmed up yet.

DUKE FREDERICK

How are you doing, Charles?

LE BEAU

He cannot speak, my lord.

DUKE FREDERICK

Carry him away. What is your name, young man?

ORLANDO

Orlando, my lord, the youngest son of Sir Rowland de Boys.

DUKE FREDERICK

I wish you had been some other man's son. The world admired your father as an honorable man, but he was still my enemy. Your victory would have better pleased me if you came from a different family. But good luck. You are a brave youth. I wish you had told me you had another father.

CELIA

Cousin, if I were my father, would I act as he did?

ORLANDO

I am proud to be Sir Rowland's son—his youngest son—and I wouldn't change that even to be Frederick's adopted heir.

ROSALIND

My father loved Sir Rowland like he loved his own soul, and the rest of the world shared my father's opinion. If had known before that this young man was Sir Rowland's son, I would have wept and tried even harder to persuade him not to wrestle.

CELIA

Dear cousin, let us go thank him and encourage him. My father's rough and jealous behavior toward him hurts me in my heart. 

[To ORLANDO] Sir, your victory was well deserved. If you keep and exceed your promises in love just as you have exceeded your promises in this wrestling match, your wife will be a happy woman.

ROSALIND

[Giving him a chain from her neck] Gentleman, wear this for me. I have fallen on hard times, and I wish I could give you more. 

[To CELIA] Should we go, cousin?

CELIA

Yes. Good luck, fair gentleman.

ORLANDO

[To himself] Can I not even say "I thank you?" My better nature and good manners are overwhelmed as if they have been thrown down in a wrestling match, and what's left of me is but a mannequin—just a lifeless block.

ROSALIND

He's calling us back. I lost my pride when I lost my fortunes, so I'll ask him what he wants. 

[To ORLANDO] Did you call us, sir? Sir, you wrestled well, and defeated more than just your enemies.

CELIA

Will you come on, cousin?

ROSALIND

Just a second. Farewell.

ORLANDO

What is this passion that makes my tongue so heavy? I can't speak to her, even though she urged me to. Oh, poor Orlando! You are defeated. Either Charles or some more delicate thing has mastered you.

LE BEAU

Good sir, let me advise you, as a friend, to leave this place. Although you deserve high praise, true applause, and love, right now the duke is misinterpreting all of your actions. The duke is moody. And what he really is I can't say, but I'm sure you can figure it out.

ORLANDO

I thank you, sir, and ask you to tell me this: which of the two ladies at the wrestling match was the daughter of the duke?

LE BEAU

Neither is his daughter, if we are only judging whether they have inherited his bad manners. But in actuality the smaller lady, Celia, is his daughter. The other, Rosalind, is the daughter of the banished duke, kept here by her uncle who usurped the throne, to keep his daughter company. The love between the two cousins is stronger than the natural bond between sisters. But I can tell you that lately this duke has grown displeased with his refined niece, for no other reason than that the people praise her virtues and pity her for her good father's sake. I swear on my life, the duke's malice against the lady Rosalind will erupt very soon. Sir, farewell. Later, in a better world than this one, I would like to get to know you and love you better.

ORLANDO

I am indebted to you. Farewell.

So now I must go from the frying pan and into the fire, from a duke who is a tyrant to my brother who is a tyrant. But oh, heavenly Rosalind!