DON PEDRO

I'll only stay in Messina until your marriage is official, and then I'll go on to Aragon.

CLAUDIO

My lord, I'll escort you there if you'll allow me.

DON PEDRO

No, that would be throwing a blot on your shiny new marriage, like showing a child his new coat and then not letting him wear it. I'll only take the liberty of asking Benedick to come with me, for he's a true joker from head to toe. He's evaded love two or three times and cut Cupid's bow-string—and since then Cupid doesn't dare to shoot at him. Benedick's heart is like a bell, and his tongue is the clapper that makes it ring—whatever his heart thinks, his tongue speaks.

BENEDICK

Gentlemen, I am not the same man I used to be.

LEONATO

I agree. You seem more serious.

CLAUDIO

I hope he's in love.

DON PEDRO

There's no way in hell! Benedick doesn't have a drop of emotion in his blood that could be affected by love. If he looks serious, then he needs money.

BENEDICK

I have a toothache.

DON PEDRO

Draw it.

BENEDICK

Hang it!

CLAUDIO

You must hang it first, and then draw it afterwards.

DON PEDRO

What, are you re so depressed about a toothache?

LEONATO

It's nothing but a humor or worm.

BENEDICK

Well, everyone knows how to cure a pain except the person actually feeling it.

CLAUDIO

I still say he's in love.

DON PEDRO

There's no signs of love in him, unless it's his love for strange costumes. He's like a Dutchman today, a Frenchman tomorrow, or even in clothes from two countries at once—like a German from the waist down, with his baggy pants, and a Spaniard from the waist up, with his cloak and no jacket. Unless he has a love for this kind of foolishness—which it seems that he does—he is no fool for love, as you would have it seem.

CLAUDIO

All the traditional symptoms point to him being in love. He brushes his hat in the mornings. What does that imply?

DON PEDRO

Has any man seen him at the barber's?

CLAUDIO

No, but the barber's assistant has been seen with him. Benedick's old beard is now just stuffing for tennis balls.

LEONATO

Indeed, the loss of his beard does make him look younger.

DON PEDRO

And he's rubbed himself with perfume. Can you sniff out his secret now?

CLAUDIO

You might as well say that the sweet-smelling youth's in love.

DON PEDRO

The greatest sign of it is his melancholy behavior.

CLAUDIO

And when has he ever been in the habit of washing his face?

DON PEDRO

Yes, or wearing makeup? I hear he's been doing that, too.

CLAUDIO

And his mocking spirit is gone. It's crawled into a lute string to play love songs—

DON PEDRO

Indeed, this all adds up to a serious tale for Benedick. To conclude: he is in love

CLAUDIO

Oh, and I know who loves him.

DON PEDRO

I want to know too. It must be someone who doesn't know him well.

CLAUDIO

But she does know him, and all his bad qualities. Yet, despite all this, she's dying for him.

DON PEDRO

She'll be buried with her face upwards.

BENEDICK

But all this talk won't cure a toothache. 

[To LEONATO] Old sir, walk with me a while. I have eight or nine wise words to say to you, and I don't want these buffoons to hear them.

DON PEDRO

I'd bet my life he wants to talk to Leonato about marrying Beatrice!

CLAUDIO

It must be that. By now Hero and Margaret ought to have played their parts and tricked Beatrice too. These two bears won't bite each other the next time they meet.

DON JOHN

My lord and brother, God bless you.

DON PEDRO

Good evening, brother.

DON JOHN

If you have time, I'd like to speak with you.

DON PEDRO

In private?

DON JOHN

If you like. But Count Claudio should stay and listen, for what I have to say concerns him as well.

DON PEDRO

What's the matter?

DON JOHN

[To CLAUDIO] Do you plan on getting married tomorrow, my lord?

DON PEDRO

You know he does.

DON JOHN

I can't be sure of that, once he learns what I know.

CLAUDIO

If there's any obstacle to the marriage, please reveal it.

DON JOHN

You might think that I don't like you, Claudio. I hope that you will think better of me after I reveal this news. I think my brother holds you in high regard, and has affectionately helped you to arrange this marriage—but that was an unfortunate courtship and a waste of labor.

DON PEDRO

Why, what's the matter?

DON JOHN

I came here to tell you, and, without any unnecessary details—for we've already wasted too many words on her—the lady is unfaithful.

CLAUDIO

Who, Hero?

DON JOHN

The same: Leonato's Hero, your Hero, every man's Hero.

CLAUDIO

Unfaithful?

DON JOHN

That word is too good to properly describe her wickedness. I would call her something worse. Come up with a worse word for her, and I'll show you how she deserves it. But restrain your disbelief until you've seen proof. Go with me tonight, and you'll see a man enter her bedroom window—even tonight, the night before her wedding day. If you still love her after that, then go through with the marriage tomorrow. But it would suit your honor better if you changed your mind.

CLAUDIO

[To DON PEDRO] Can this be so?

DON PEDRO

I refuse to believe it.

DON JOHN

If you don't have the courage to see the truth for yourself, then don't claim to know anything. If you follow me, I'll show you plenty of proof. And once you've seen more and heard more, you can act accordingly.

CLAUDIO

If I see anything tonight that convinces me not to marry her, then tomorrow I'll shame her in front of the same congregation where I would have married her.

DON PEDRO

And since I courted her for you, I will join you in disgracing her.

DON JOHN

I won't criticize her any more until you can bear witness to my accusations. Keep calm until midnight, and then you'll see for yourself.

DON PEDRO

Oh, what a day horribly ruined!

CLAUDIO

Oh, unexpected unfaithfulness ruining my hopes!

DON JOHN

Oh, what a curse prevented! That's what you'll say when you've seen what comes next.