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Act 3, Scene 2
Much Ado About Nothing Translation Act 3, Scene 3
Enter DOGBERRY and VERGES with the Watch
DOGBERRY
Are you good men and true?
DOGBERRY
Are you good and honest men?
VERGES
Yea, or else it were pity but they should suffer salvation, body and soul.
VERGES
They must be, or else they should suffer salvation of body and soul.
DOGBERRY
Nay, that were a punishment too good for them, if they should have any allegiance in them, being chosen for the Prince’s watch.
DOGBERRY
No, that punishment would be too good for them, if they had any allegiance in them when they were chosen to be the Prince's watchmen.
VERGES
Well, give them their charge, neighbor Dogberry.
VERGES
Well, give them their instructions, Sir Dogberry.
DOGBERRY
First, who think you the most desartless man to be constable?
DOGBERRY
First, who do you think is most undeserving to be captain of the watch tonight?
FIRST WATCHMAN
Hugh Oatcake, sir, or George Seacole, for they can write and read.
FIRST WATCHMAN
Hugh Oatcake or George Seacole, sir. Both can read and write.
DOGBERRY
Come hither, neighbor Seacole. God hath blessed you with a good name. To be a well-favored man is the gift of fortune, but to write and read comes by nature.
DOGBERRY
Come here, Sir Seacole. God has blessed you with a good name. To be a good-looking man is a gift of luck, but to know how to read and write comes by nature.
SEACOLE
Both which, Master Constable—
SEACOLE
Both of which, Master Constable—
DOGBERRY
You have. I knew it would be your answer. Well, for your favor, sir, why, give God thanks, and make no boastof it, and for your writing and reading, let that appear when there is no need of such vanity. You are thought here to be the most senseless and fit man for the constable of the watch; therefore bear you the lantern. This is your charge: you shall comprehend all vagrom men; you are to bid any man stand, in the Prince's name.
DOGBERRY
You have. I knew that would be your answer. Well, sir, thank God for your good looks, and don't boast about this. And as for your reading and writing, only use that when you can't use your looks. You're considered the most senseless and able man here, so you'll carry the lantern and be constable of the watch. These are your instructions: you will comprehend any vagrants you see. You will order all men to halt, in the Prince's name.
SECOND WATCHMAN
How if he will not stand?
SECOND WATCHMAN
What if a man won't stop?
DOGBERRY
Why, then, take no note of him, but let him go and presently call the rest of the watch together and thank God you are rid of a knave.
DOGBERRY
Why, then, don't bother with him. Let him go, and then call the rest of the watch together, and all of you can thank God that you've gotten rid of a villain.
VERGES
If he will not stand when he is bidden, he is none of the Prince’s subjects.
VERGES
If he won't stop when ordered to, then he's not one of the Prince's subjects.
DOGBERRY
True, and they are to meddle with none but the Prince’s subjects.—You shall also make no noise in the streets; for, for the watch to babble and to talk is most tolerable and not to be endured.
DOGBERRY
True, and you are only supposed to deal with the Prince's subjects.
[To all of the watchmen] You also will be quiet in the streets. For a watchman to babble on and talk is tolerable and not to be endured.
WATCHMAN
We will rather sleep than talk. We know what belongs toa watch.
WATCHMAN
We'll sleep instead of talk. We know what the duties of a watchman are.
DOGBERRY
Why, you speak like an ancient and most quiet watchman, for I cannot see how sleeping should offend. Only have a care that your bills be not stolen. Well, youare to call at all the alehouses and bid those that aredrunk get them to bed.
DOGBERRY
Why, you speak like an old and quiet watchman, for I don't see how sleeping could offend anyone. Just be careful that your weapons don't get stolen. Also, you are to visit all the bars and tell those who are drunk to go to bed.
WATCHMAN
How if they will not?
WATCHMAN
What if they won't?
DOGBERRY
Why, then, let them alone till they are sober. If they make you not then the better answer, you may say they are not the men you took them for.
DOGBERRY
Why, then, leave them alone until they're sober. If they don't agree to go home even then, you can say that they aren't the men you thought they were.
WATCHMAN
Well, sir.
WATCHMAN
Very well, sir.
DOGBERRY
If you meet a thief, you may suspect him, by virtue of your office, to be no true man, and for such kind of men, the less you meddle or make with them, why the moreis for your honesty.
DOGBERRY
If you meet a thief, you can suspect him—as a watchman—of being dishonest. And the less you have to do with that kind of man, the more honest you will remain.
WATCHMAN
If we know him to be a thief, shall we not lay hands on him?
WATCHMAN
If we know he's a thief, then shouldn't we arrest him?
DOGBERRY
Truly, by your office you may, but I think they that touch pitch will be defiled. The most peaceable way for you, if you do take a thief, is to let him show himself what he is and steal out of your company.
DOGBERRY
Truly, your position allows you to, but personally I think that those who touch tar will become unclean themselves. If you do find a thief, the most peaceable thing to do is to let him prove himself a thief by stealing away from your presence.
VERGES
You have been always called a merciful man, partner.
VERGES
You've always been known as a merciful man, partner.
DOGBERRY
Truly, I would not hang a dog by my will, much more a man who hath any honesty in him.
DOGBERRY
Truly, I wouldn't even a hang a dog, much more a man with any honesty in him.
VERGES
[to the Watch] If you hear a child cry in the night, you must call to the nurse and bid her still it.
VERGES
[To the WATCHMEN] If you hear a child crying in the night, you must call to the nurse and tell her to quiet it.
WATCHMAN
How if the nurse be asleep and will not hear us?
WATCHMAN
What if the nurse is asleep and won't listen to us?
DOGBERRY
Why then, depart in peace and let the child wake her with crying, for the ewe that will not hear her lamb when it baas will never answer a calf when he bleats.
DOGBERRY
Why then, leave quietly and let the child wake up the nurse with its crying. The ewe that won't listen to her lamb when it bleats will never listen to a calf.
VERGES
'Tis very true.
VERGES
It's very true.
DOGBERRY
This is the end of the charge. You, constable, are to present the Prince’s own person. If you meet the Prince in the night, you may stay him.
DOGBERRY
This is the end of your instructions. You, constable, are representing the Prince himself. If you meet the Prince in the night, you can detain him.
VERGES
Nay, by 'r Lady, that I think he cannot.
VERGES
No, by the Virgin Mary, I don't think he can.
DOGBERRY
Five shillings to one on ’t, with any man that knows the statutes, he may stay him —marry, not without the Prince be willing, for indeed the watch ought to offend no man, and it is an offense to stay a man against his will.
DOGBERRY
I'd bet five to one that he can—ask any man who knows the acts of Parliament. Although, you can't stop the Prince unless the Prince is willing to stop, for the watch shouldn't offend anyone—and it's an offense to detain a man against his will.
VERGES
By 'r lady, I think it be so.
VERGES
By the Virgin Mary, I think that's true.
DOGBERRY
Ha, ha, ha! Well, masters, good night. An there be anymatter of weight chances, call up me. Keep your fellows' counsels and your own; and good night.—Come, neighbor.
DOGBERRY
Ha, ha, ha! Well, sirs, goodnight. If anything important comes up, call on me. Keep each other's advice, and your own. Good night.
[To VERGES] Come, friend.
WATCHMAN
Well, masters, we hear our charge. Let us go sit here upon the church bench till two, and then all to bed.
WATCHMAN
Well, sirs, we've heard our instructions. Let's sit here on the church bench until two o'clock, and then all go to bed.
DOGBERRY
One word more, honest neighbors. I pray you watch about Signior Leonato’s door, for the wedding being there tomorrow, there is a great coil tonight. Adieu, bevigitant, I beseech you.
DOGBERRY
One more thing, honest sirs. Please watch over Sir Leonato's house. The wedding will be there tomorrow, and there's a lot happening there tonight. Farewell, and be vigitant, I beg you.
Exeunt DOGBERRY and VERGES
Enter BORACHIO and CONRAD
BORACHIO
What Conrad!
BORACHIO
Hey, Conrad!
SEACOALE
[aside] Peace! Stir not.
SEACOALE
[To himself] Quiet! Don't move.
BORACHIO
Conrad, I say!
BORACHIO
Conrad, I say!
CONRAD
Here, man. I am at thy elbow.
CONRAD
Here, man, I'm at your elbow.
BORACHIO
Mass, and my elbow itched, I thought there would a scab follow.
BORACHIO
Christ, my elbow itched, and I thought I felt a scab there.
CONRAD
I will owe thee an answer for that. And now forward with thy tale.
CONRAD
I'll get you back for that later. Now continue with your story.
BORACHIO
Stand thee close, then, under this penthouse, for it drizzles rain, and I will, like a true drunkard, utter all to thee.
BORACHIO
Stand close, then, under this overhang—it's drizzling. Like a true drunkard, I'll tell you everything.
WATCHMAN
[aside] Some treason, masters. Yet stand close.
WATCHMAN
[To the other WATCHMEN so that only they can hear] There's some villainy going on here, gentlemen. Keep hidden.
BORACHIO
Therefore know I have earned of Don John a thousand ducats.
BORACHIO
You should know that I've earned a thousand gold pieces from Don John.
CONRAD
Is it possible that any villainy should be so dear?
CONRAD
Is it possible that any villainy could be so expensive?
BORACHIO
Thou shouldst rather ask if it were possible any villainy should be so rich. For when rich villains have need of poor ones, poor ones may make what price they will.
BORACHIO
Instead you should ask if it's possible that any villain could be so rich. For when rich villains need poor ones, then the poor villains can name their price.
CONRAD
I wonder at it.
CONRAD
I'm amazed.
BORACHIO
That shows thou art unconfirmed. Thou knowest that the fashion of a doublet, or a hat, or a cloak, is nothing to a man.
BORACHIO
That shows that you're inexperienced. You know that the style of a man's jacket, hat, or cloak doesn't make the man, right?
CONRAD
Yes, it is apparel.
CONRAD
Yes, it's just clothing.
BORACHIO
I mean the fashion.
BORACHIO
No, I mean the fashion of the clothing.
CONRAD
Yes, the fashion is the fashion.
CONRAD
Yes, the fashion is the fashion.
BORACHIO
Tush, I may as well say the fool’s the fool. But seest thou not what a deformed thief this fashion is?
BORACHIO
Pshaw, I might as well say that the fool's the fool. But don't you see what a deformed thief fashion is?
WATCHMAN
[aside] I know that Deformed. He has been a vile thief this seven year. He goes up and down like a gentleman. I remember his name.
WATCHMAN
[To the other WATCHMEN so that only they can hear] I know that man Deformed. He's been a terrible thief for the last seven years. He walks about like he's a gentleman. I remember his name.
BORACHIO
Didst thou not hear somebody?
BORACHIO
Did you hear somebody?
CONRAD
No, ’twas the vane on the house.
CONRAD
No, it was just the weathervane on the house.
BORACHIO
Seest thou not, I say, what a deformed thief this fashion is, how giddily he turns about all the hot bloods between fourteen and five-and-thirty, sometimes fashioning them like Pharaoh’s soldiers in the reechy painting, sometime like god Bel’s priests in the old church-window, sometime like the shaven Hercules in the smirched worm-eaten tapestry, where his codpiece seems as massy as his club?
BORACHIO
As I was saying, don't you see what a deformed thief fashion is? It makes all the hot-blooded young men go crazy, sometimes dressing up like the Pharaoh's soldiers in that dirty old painting, sometimes like the pictures in old church windows of the priests of the god Baal, and sometimes like the picture of Hercules in that dusty, worm-eaten tapestry, where his codpiece is as big as a club!
CONRAD
All this I see, and I see that the fashion wears out more apparel than the man. But art not thou thyself giddy with the fashion too, that thou hast shifted out of thy tale into telling me of the fashion?
CONRAD
I understand all this, and I can see that clothes are discarded because of changing fashions before they can get worn out. But aren't you crazy about fashion, too, since you've changed out of your story to start going on about fashion?
BORACHIO
Not so, neither. But know that I have tonight wooed Margaret, the Lady Hero’s gentlewoman, by the nameof Hero. She leans me out at her mistress' chamber window, bids me a thousand times good night. I tell thistale vilely. I should first tell thee how the Prince, Claudio and my master, planted and placed and possessed by my master Don John, saw afar off in the orchard this amiable encounter.
BORACHIO
No, I'm not. But you should know that tonight I seduced Margaret, Lady Hero's serving woman, and called her "Hero" the whole time. She leaned out of her mistress's bedroom window and told me goodnight a thousand times. But I'm telling this story badly. I should first tell you how my master Don John filled the Prince and Claudio with suspicion about Hero's virtue, and arranged that they should witness this lovers' meeting from the garden.
CONRAD
And thought they Margaret was Hero?
CONRAD
And they thought that Margaret was Hero?
BORACHIO
Two of them did, the Prince and Claudio, but the devil my master knew she was Margaret; and partly by his oaths, which first possessed them, partly by the dark night, which did deceive them, but chiefly by my villainy, which did confirm any slander that Don John had made, away went Claudio enraged, swore he would meether as he was appointed next morning at the temple, andthere, before the whole congregation, shame her with what he saw o'ernight and send her home again without a husband.
BORACHIO
Two of them did—the Prince and Claudio—but the devil, my master, knew it was Margaret. It was partly because of his testimony that they suspected Hero in the first place. They were also tricked by the dark, deceiving night, but it was mostly my villainy, which confirmed all of Don John's slander against Hero. Claudio went away enraged, swearing that he would meet Hero at the temple the next day as planned, and there, before the whole congregation, would shame her with his testimony and send her home again without a husband.
SECOND WATCHMAN
We charge you, in the Prince’s name, stand!
SECOND WATCHMAN
In the Prince's name, we command you to halt!
FIRST WATCHMAN
Call up the right Master Constable. We have here recovered the most dangerous piece of lechery that ever was known in the commonwealth.
FIRST WATCHMAN
Call up the reverend Master Constable Dogberry. We have here recovered the most dangerous piece of lechery that was ever seen in this country.
SECOND WATCHMAN
And one Deformed is one of them. I know him; he wears a lock.
SECOND WATCHMAN
And the criminal Deformed is one of them. I know him; he has a long lock of hair.
CONRAD
Masters, masters—
CONRAD
Gentlemen, gentlemen—
SECOND WATCHMAN
[to BORACHIO] You’ll be made bring Deformed forth, I warrant you.
SECOND WATCHMAN
[To BORACHIO] You'll be forced to bring Deformed forward, I promise you.
FIRST WATCHMAN
Masters, never speak, we charge you, let us obey you go with us.
FIRST WATCHMAN
Sirs, don't speak. We order you, let us obey you to come with us.
BORACHIO
We are like to prove a goodly commodity, being taken upof these men’s bills.
BORACHIO
We're probably a valuable catch for these fools.
CONRAD
A commodity in question, I warrant you.—Come, we’ll obey you.
CONRAD
Well, our value is about to be judged, I'll bet.
[To the FIRST WATCHMAN] All right, we'll obey you.
Exeunt
