DOGBERRY

Are you good and honest men?

VERGES

They must be, or else they should suffer salvation of body and soul.

DOGBERRY

No, that punishment would be too good for them, if they had any allegiance in them when they were chosen to be the Prince's watchmen.

VERGES

Well, give them their instructions, Sir Dogberry.

DOGBERRY

First, who do you think is most undeserving to be captain of the watch tonight?

FIRST WATCHMAN

Hugh Oatcake or George Seacole, sir. Both can read and write.

DOGBERRY

Come here, Sir Seacole. God has blessed you with a good name. To be a good-looking man is a gift of luck, but to know how to read and write comes by nature.

SEACOLE

Both of which, Master Constable—

DOGBERRY

You have. I knew that would be your answer. Well, sir, thank God for your good looks, and don't boast about this. And as for your reading and writing, only use that when you can't use your looks. You're considered the most senseless and able man here, so you'll carry the lantern and be constable of the watch. These are your instructions: you will comprehend any vagrants you see. You will order all men to halt, in the Prince's name.

SECOND WATCHMAN

What if a man won't stop?

DOGBERRY

Why, then, don't bother with him. Let him go, and then call the rest of the watch together, and all of you can thank God that you've gotten rid of a villain.

VERGES

If he won't stop when ordered to, then he's not one of the Prince's subjects.

DOGBERRY

True, and you are only supposed to deal with the Prince's subjects.

[To all of the watchmen] You also will be quiet in the streets. For a watchman to babble on and talk is tolerable and not to be endured.

WATCHMAN

We'll sleep instead of talk. We know what the duties of a watchman are.

DOGBERRY

Why, you speak like an old and quiet watchman, for I don't see how sleeping could offend anyone. Just be careful that your weapons don't get stolen. Also, you are to visit all the bars and tell those who are drunk to go to bed.

WATCHMAN

What if they won't?

DOGBERRY

Why, then, leave them alone until they're sober. If they don't agree to go home even then, you can say that they aren't the men you thought they were.

WATCHMAN

Very well, sir.

DOGBERRY

If you meet a thief, you can suspect him—as a watchman—of being dishonest. And the less you have to do with that kind of man, the more honest you will remain.

WATCHMAN

If we know he's a thief, then shouldn't we arrest him?

DOGBERRY

Truly, your position allows you to, but personally I think that those who touch tar will become unclean themselves. If you do find a thief, the most peaceable thing to do is to let him prove himself a thief by stealing away from your presence.

VERGES

You've always been known as a merciful man, partner.

DOGBERRY

Truly, I wouldn't even a hang a dog, much more a man with any honesty in him.

VERGES

[To the WATCHMEN] If you hear a child crying in the night, you must call to the nurse and tell her to quiet it.

WATCHMAN

What if the nurse is asleep and won't listen to us?

DOGBERRY

Why then, leave quietly and let the child wake up the nurse with its crying. The ewe that won't listen to her lamb when it bleats will never listen to a calf.

VERGES

It's very true.

DOGBERRY

This is the end of your instructions. You, constable, are representing the Prince himself. If you meet the Prince in the night, you can detain him.

VERGES

No, by the Virgin Mary, I don't think he can.

DOGBERRY

I'd bet five to one that he can—ask any man who knows the acts of Parliament. Although, you can't stop the Prince unless the Prince is willing to stop, for the watch shouldn't offend anyone—and it's an offense to detain a man against his will.

VERGES

By the Virgin Mary, I think that's true.

DOGBERRY

Ha, ha, ha! Well, sirs, goodnight. If anything important comes up, call on me. Keep each other's advice, and your own. Good night.

[To VERGES] Come, friend.

WATCHMAN

Well, sirs, we've heard our instructions. Let's sit here on the church bench until two o'clock, and then all go to bed.

DOGBERRY

One more thing, honest sirs. Please watch over Sir Leonato's house. The wedding will be there tomorrow, and there's a lot happening there tonight. Farewell, and be vigitant, I beg you.

BORACHIO

Hey, Conrad!

SEACOALE

[To himself] Quiet! Don't move.

BORACHIO

Conrad, I say!

CONRAD

Here, man, I'm at your elbow.

BORACHIO

Christ, my elbow itched, and I thought I felt a scab there.

CONRAD

I'll get you back for that later. Now continue with your story.

BORACHIO

Stand close, then, under this overhang—it's drizzling. Like a true drunkard, I'll tell you everything.

WATCHMAN

[To the other WATCHMEN so that only they can hear] There's some villainy going on here, gentlemen. Keep hidden.

BORACHIO

You should know that I've earned a thousand gold pieces from Don John.

CONRAD

Is it possible that any villainy could be so expensive?

BORACHIO

Instead you should ask if it's possible that any villain could be so rich. For when rich villains need poor ones, then the poor villains can name their price.

CONRAD

I'm amazed.

BORACHIO

That shows that you're inexperienced. You know that the style of a man's jacket, hat, or cloak doesn't make the man, right?

CONRAD

Yes, it's just clothing.

BORACHIO

No, I mean the fashion of the clothing.

CONRAD

Yes, the fashion is the fashion.

BORACHIO

Pshaw, I might as well say that the fool's the fool. But don't you see what a deformed thief fashion is?

WATCHMAN

[To the other WATCHMEN so that only they can hear] I know that man Deformed. He's been a terrible thief for the last seven years. He walks about like he's a gentleman. I remember his name.

BORACHIO

Did you hear somebody?

CONRAD

No, it was just the weathervane on the house.

BORACHIO

As I was saying, don't you see what a deformed thief fashion is? It makes all the hot-blooded young men go crazy, sometimes dressing up like the Pharaoh's soldiers in that dirty old painting, sometimes like the pictures in old church windows of the priests of the god Baal, and sometimes like the picture of Hercules in that dusty, worm-eaten tapestry, where his codpiece is as big as a club!

CONRAD

I understand all this, and I can see that clothes are discarded because of changing fashions before they can get worn out. But aren't you crazy about fashion, too, since you've changed out of your story to start going on about fashion?

BORACHIO

No, I'm not. But you should know that tonight I seduced Margaret, Lady Hero's serving woman, and called her "Hero" the whole time. She leaned out of her mistress's bedroom window and told me goodnight a thousand times. But I'm telling this story badly. I should first tell you how my master Don John filled the Prince and Claudio with suspicion about Hero's virtue, and arranged that they should witness this lovers' meeting from the garden.

CONRAD

And they thought that Margaret was Hero?

BORACHIO

Two of them did—the Prince and Claudio—but the devil, my master, knew it was Margaret. It was partly because of his testimony that they suspected Hero in the first place. They were also tricked by the dark, deceiving night, but it was mostly my villainy, which confirmed all of Don John's slander against Hero. Claudio went away enraged, swearing that he would meet Hero at the temple the next day as planned, and there, before the whole congregation, would shame her with his testimony and send her home again without a husband.

SECOND WATCHMAN

In the Prince's name, we command you to halt!

FIRST WATCHMAN

Call up the reverend Master Constable Dogberry. We have here recovered the most dangerous piece of lechery that was ever seen in this country.

SECOND WATCHMAN

And the criminal Deformed is one of them. I know him; he has a long lock of hair.

CONRAD

Gentlemen, gentlemen—

SECOND WATCHMAN

[To BORACHIO] You'll be forced to bring Deformed forward, I promise you.

FIRST WATCHMAN

Sirs, don't speak. We order you, let us obey you to come with us.

BORACHIO

We're probably a valuable catch for these fools.

CONRAD

Well, our value is about to be judged, I'll bet.

[To the FIRST WATCHMAN] All right, we'll obey you.