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Act 1, Scene 3
Troilus and Cressida Translation Act 2, Scene 1
Enter AJAX and THERSITES
AJAX
Thersites!
AJAX
Thersites!
THERSITES
Agamemnon, how if he had boils? full, all over,generally?
THERSITES
What if Agamemnon had boils all over him?
AJAX
Thersites!
AJAX
Thersites!
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THERSITES
And those boils did run? say so: did not thegeneral run then? were not that a botchy core?
THERSITES
If those pus-filled boils ran would that not mean that the general was running? Wouldn't that be a sight.
AJAX
Dog!
AJAX
You dog!
THERSITES
Then would come some matter from him; I see none now.
THERSITES
If that happened we might finally see something meaningful coming from him.
AJAX
Thou bitch-wolf's son, canst thou not hear?
AJAX
You son of a bitch, are you ignoring me?
Beating him
AJAX
Feel, then.
AJAX
If you won't listen to me, I'll beat my meaning into you.
THERSITES
The plague of Greece upon thee, thou mongrelbeef-witted lord!
THERSITES
Curse you, you thick mongrel of a lord.
AJAX
Speak then, thou vinewedst leaven, speak: I willbeat thee into handsomeness.
AJAX
If you talk, you rotten yeast, I will beat you back into shape.
THERSITES
I shall sooner rail thee into wit and holiness: but, I think, thy horse will sooner con an oration than thou learn a prayer without book . Thou canst strike, canst thou? a red murrain o' thy jade's tricks!
THERSITES
It would be easier for me to talk you into being clever and righteous, but it's more likely your horse will deliver a speech that you will be able to recite a prayer by heart. You can hit things can you? A plague on your pathetic actions.
AJAX
Toadstool, learn me the proclamation.
AJAX
Toadstool, tell me what the proclamation says.
THERSITES
Dost thou think I have no sense, thou strikest me thus?
THERSITES
Do you think I have no feelings? Is that why you hit me like this?
AJAX
The proclamation!
AJAX
Read the proclamation!
THERSITES
Thou art proclaimed a fool, I think.
THERSITES
You are proclaimed to be a fool, I think.
AJAX
Do not, porpentine, do not: my fingers itch.
AJAX
Do not push me, little satirist, my hands are itching to beat you again.
THERSITES
I would thou didst itch from head to foot and I had the scratching of thee; I would make thee the loathsomest scab in Greece. When thou art forth in the incursions, thou strikest as slow as another.
THERSITES
I wish you itched from head to toe and that it was my job to scratch you, I'd scratch you until you were the most disgusting scab in Greece. When you are actually out in the battlefield you are no quicker to engage than anyone else.
AJAX
I say, the proclamation!
AJAX
I am telling you, read the proclamation!
THERSITES
Thou grumblest and railest every hour on Achilles,and thou art as full of envy at his greatness asCerberus is at Proserpine's beauty, ay, that thoubarkest at him.
THERSITES
You spend all day insulting Achilles, yet you only bark at him out of jealousy.
AJAX
Mistress Thersites!
AJAX
Mistress Thersites.
THERSITES
Thou shouldest strike him.
THERSITES
You should hit Achilles.
AJAX
Cobloaf!
AJAX
Worthless creature!
THERSITES
He would pun thee into shivers with his fist, as asailor breaks a biscuit.
THERSITES
He would pound you into pieces with his fists, just like a sailor breaking a biscuit.
AJAX
[Beating him] You whoreson cur!
AJAX
[Beating Thersites] You son of a whore!
THERSITES
Do, do.
THERSITES
Oh go ahead.
AJAX
Thou stool for a witch!
AJAX
You toadstool!
THERSITES
Ay, do, do; thou sodden-witted lord! thou hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows; an assinego may tutor thee: thou scurvy-valiant ass! thou art here but to thrash Trojans; and thou art bought and sold among those of any wit, like a barbarian slave. If thou use to beat me, I will begin at thy heel, and tell what thou art by inches, thou thing of no bowels, thou!
THERSITES
Go on, you brutish lump. You have less intellect in your head than I have in my elbows. A small donkey is brighter than you, you mock-brave ass! You are only here to beat Trojans, traded like a slave by brighter men than you. Hit me again and I'll tell you exactly what you're worth, you gutless wretch, from bottom to top.
AJAX
You dog!
AJAX
You dog!
THERSITES
You scurvy lord!
THERSITES
You worthless lord!
AJAX
[Beating him] You cur!
AJAX
[Beating him] You worthless creature!
THERSITES
Mars his idiot! do, rudeness; do, camel; do, do.
THERSITES
Brainless brawler, go ahead idiot, go on, you camel, go on.
Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS
ACHILLES
Why, how now, Ajax! wherefore do you thus? How now,Thersites! what's the matter, man?
ACHILLES
Woah there, Ajax! Why are you hitting him? Why, Thersites, what is wrong?
THERSITES
You see him there, do you?
THERSITES
You see that man, yes?
ACHILLES
Ay; what's the matter?
ACHILLES
Yes, what is the problem.
THERSITES
Nay, look upon him.
THERSITES
Look at him.
ACHILLES
So I do: what's the matter?
ACHILLES
I am, what is the problem?
THERSITES
Nay, but regard him well.
THERSITES
No, really look at him.
ACHILLES
'Well!' why, I do so.
ACHILLES
Well, I am looking at him.
THERSITES
But yet you look not well upon him; for whosoever youtake him to be, he is Ajax.
THERSITES
You can't look well upon him, for he is Ajax.
ACHILLES
I know that, fool.
ACHILLES
I know that, fool.
THERSITES
Ay, but that fool knows not himself.
THERSITES
Yes well the fool does not know himself.
AJAX
Therefore I beat thee.
AJAX
Which is why I hit you.
THERSITES
Lo, lo, lo, lo, what modicums of wit he utters! his evasions have ears thus long. I have bobbed his brain more than he has beat my bones: I will buy nine sparrows for a penny, and his pia mater is not worth the nineth part of a sparrow. This lord, Achilles, Ajax, who wears his wit in his belly and his guts in his head, I'll tell you what I say of him.
THERSITES
Oh look here, what small pieces of wit come out of his mouth! He has the wit of a donkey. I have made him look like a fool more than he has beaten me physically. If I buy nine sparrows for a penny I could not buy a ninth of a sparrow with all his wit. This man Ajax, Achilles, has no thoughts beyond basic impulses. I'll tell you what I think of him.
ACHILLES
What?
ACHILLES
What do you think of him?
THERSITES
I say, this Ajax—
THERSITES
I think this Ajax...
Ajax offers to beat him
ACHILLES
Nay, good Ajax.
ACHILLES
Be gentle, good Ajax.
THERSITES
Has not so much wit—
THERSITES
Has not got enough wit.
ACHILLES
Nay, I must hold you.
ACHILLES
Leave it Thersites.
THERSITES
As will stop the eye of Helen's needle, for whom hecomes to fight.
THERSITES
To fill the eye of Helen's needle, who is the only reason he was brought here.
ACHILLES
Peace, fool!
ACHILLES
Be silent, fool.
THERSITES
I would have peace and quietness, but the fool willnot: he there: that he: look you there.
THERSITES
I would happily live in peace and quiet, but the fool will not, he is the fool, look at him.
AJAX
O thou damned cur! I shall—
AJAX
Oh you cursed wretch! I shall...
ACHILLES
Will you set your wit to a fool's?
ACHILLES
Will you set your wit against that of a fool?
THERSITES
No, I warrant you; for a fool's will shame it.
THERSITES
I doubt he will, because my wit will make him look stupid again.
PATROCLUS
Good words, Thersites.
PATROCLUS
Good one, Thersites.
ACHILLES
What's the quarrel?
ACHILLES
Why are you arguing?
AJAX
I bade the vile owl go learn me the tenor of theproclamation, and he rails upon me.
AJAX
I asked the stupid creature to tell me what the proclamation said, and he started insulting me.
THERSITES
I serve thee not.
THERSITES
I am not your servant.
AJAX
Well, go to, go to.
AJAX
Well then, go away, begone.
THERSITES
I serve here voluntarily.
THERSITES
I serve in the army as a volunteer.
ACHILLES
Your last service was sufferance, 'twas notvoluntary: no man is beaten voluntary: Ajax washere the voluntary, and you as under an impress.
ACHILLES
You last task wasn't voluntary it was forced upon you, no one chooses to be beaten up. Ajax volunteered for his role, you were forced into yours.
THERSITES
E'en so; a great deal of your wit, too, lies in your sinews, or else there be liars. Hector have a great catch, if he knock out either of your brains: a' were as good crack a fusty nut with no kernel.
THERSITES
Even so. If most of your intelligence does not reside in your muscles, then people were lying about you. If Hector cracks open either of your heads it would be like cracking open a nut to find nothing inside
ACHILLES
What, with me too, Thersites?
ACHILLES
Are you mocking me too now, Thersites?
THERSITES
There's Ulysses and old Nestor, whose wit was mouldyere your grandsires had nails on their toes, yoke youlike draught-oxen and make you plough up the wars.
THERSITES
Ulysses and old Nestor, whose wit was mouldy by the time your grandfathers had toenails, are still able to get you two to be like ploughmen for their wars.
ACHILLES
What, what?
ACHILLES
Pardon?
THERSITES
Yes, good sooth: to, Achilles! to, Ajax! to!
THERSITES
Oh yes, hya Achilles, hya hya Ajax.
AJAX
I shall cut out your tongue.
AJAX
I shall cut out your tongue.
THERSITES
'Tis no matter! I shall speak as much as thouafterwards.
THERSITES
It doesn't matter, afterwards I'll still speak as much sense as you.
PATROCLUS
No more words, Thersites; peace!
PATROCLUS
Okay stop now Thersites, be silent.
THERSITES
I will hold my peace when Achilles' brach bids me, shall I?
THERSITES
I'll be silent on the orders of Achilles's bitch, shall I?
ACHILLES
There's for you, Patroclus.
ACHILLES
That's what you get for helping him, Patroclus.
THERSITES
I will see you hanged, like clotpoles, ere I comeany more to your tents: I will keep where there iswit stirring and leave the faction of fools.
THERSITES
I'll never come to your tent again unless it is to see you thickheads hanged. I will go where there is more wit and leave you fools behind.
Exit
PATROCLUS
A good riddance.
PATROCLUS
Good riddance.
ACHILLES
Marry, this, sir, is proclaim'd through all our host: That Hector, by the fifth hour of the sun, Will with a trumpet 'twixt our tents and Troy To-morrow morning call some knight to arms That hath a stomach; and such a one that dare Maintain—I know not what: 'tis trash. Farewell.
ACHILLES
Indeed, Ajax this is what was proclaimed through our camp: Hector, five hours after sunrise tomorrow, will come with a trumpet to the ground between our tents and Troy and call out to fight him any knights who are brave enough, and whoever dares... whatever, it doesn't matter, the whole thing is trash. Goodbye.
AJAX
Farewell. Who shall answer him?
AJAX
Goodbye, who shall fight him?
ACHILLES
I know not: 'tis put to lottery; otherwiseHe knew his man.
ACHILLES
I don't know, it will be a matter of chance, otherwise his opponent would be obvious.
AJAX
O, meaning you. I will go learn more of it.
AJAX
Oh, you mean yourself. I will go find out more.
Exeunt
