Atlas Corrigan Character Analysis

I open the shoebox on my lap and pull out the contents. On the very top is a small wooden, hollow heart. I run my fingers over it and remember the night I was given this heart. As soon as the memory begins to sink in, I set it aside. Nostalgia is a funny thing.

I move a few old letters and newspaper clippings aside. Beneath all of it, I find what I was hoping was inside these boxes. And also sort of hoping wasn’t.

My Ellen Diaries.

“We’re just alike,” he said, […] “Plants and humans. Plants need to be loved the right way in order to survive. So do humans. We rely on our parents from birth to love us enough to keep us alive. And if our parents show us the right kind of love, we turn out as better humans overall. But if we’re neglected…”

[…] I pointed at the row of trees that lined the fence to left of the yard. “You see that tree over there? [...] It grew on its own,” I said. “Most plants do need a lot of care to survive. But some things, like trees, are strong enough to do it by just relying on themselves and no one else.”

“I will say…I kind of wish this could have happened a year ago.”

I wince at his words, trying not to let them penetrate […]

I didn’t expect to feel this much hurt after seeing him.

But it’s good. This happened for a reason. My heart needed closure so I can give it to Ryle, but maybe I couldn’t do that until this happened.

“Mom, he was trying to rape you!”

[…] “It’s not like that, Lily. We’re married, and sometimes marriage is just…you’re too young to understand it.”

It got really quiet for a minute, and I said. “I hope to hell I never do.”

[…] When she finished crying, I looked around the room and Atlas had left [...] She never did say anything about him being there. Not one thing. I waited for her to tell me I was grounded, but she never did. I realized that maybe she didn’t acknowledge it because that’s what she does. Things that hurt her just get swept under the rug, never to be brought up again.”

“I wanted to apologize for saying that you sounded like your mother. That was hurtful. And I’m sorry.”

I don’t know why I always feel like crying when I’m around him. When I think about him. When I read about him. It’s like my emotions are still tethered to him somehow and I can’t figure out how to cut the strings […]

He writes something down on the sticky note and then proceeds to pull my phone apart. He slips the case off and puts the sticky note between the care and the phone, then slides the cover back over it […]

“It’s my cell phone number. Keep it hidden there in case you ever need it.”

I wince at the gesture. The unnecessary gesture. “I won’t need it.”

“I hope not.”

He said the first night he went to that old house, he wasn’t there because he needed a place to stay.

He went there to kill himself […]

“I hope you never know what it’s like to feel that lonely, Lily,” he said […]

“You saved my life, Lily,” he said to me. “And you weren’t even trying.”

He leaned forward and kissed that spot between my shoulder and my neck that he always kisses. I liked that he did it again. I don’t like much about my body, but that spot on my collarbone has become my favorite part of me.

He took my hands in his and told me he was leaving sooner that he planned for the military, but that he couldn’t leave without telling me thank you.

He told me he’d bet gone for four years and that the last thing that he wanted for me was to be a sixteen-year-old not living my life because of a boyfriend I never got to see or hear from […]

“I’m going to make a promise to you,” he said. “When my life is good enough for you to be a part of it, I’ll come find you.”

[…] I opened the bag and pulled out the best present I’d ever received. It was a magnet that said “Boston” on the top. At the bottom in tiny letters, it said “Where everything is better.” I told him I would keep it forever, and every time I look at it I’ll think of him.

He holds up my phone and just looks at me like I should know what’s happening. When I shake my head in confusion, he holds up a piece of paper. “Funny thing,” he says, setting my phone on the coffee table in front of him. “I dropped your phone by accident. Cover pops off. I find this number hidden in the back of it.”

Oh, God.

No, no, no.

He crumbles the number in his fist. “I thought, Huh. That’s weird. Lily doesn’t hide things from me […] He chunks my phone clear across the room and it crashes against the wall, shattering to the floor.

There’s a three-second pause where I think this could go one of two ways.

He’s going to leave me.

Or he’s going to hurt me.

His arm comes around my waist from behind. He slides a hand up my stomach and takes a firm hold of one of my breasts. His other hand feathers my shoulder as he moves the hair away from my neck.

I squeeze my eyes shut, just as fingers begin to trace across my skin, up to my shoulder. He slowly runs his finger over the heart and a shudder runs through my whole body. His lip meets my skin, right over the tattoo, and then he sinks his teeth into me so hard, I scream […]

He’s really angry now. “He’s in everything. The magnet on the fridge. The journal in the box I found in our closet. The fucking tattoo on your body that used to be my favorite goddamn part of you!”

I wipe the tears from my eyes and then begin dialing Atlas’s number.

I hate myself more in this moment that I ever have in my entire life.

I hate myself, because the day Ryle found Atlas’s number in my phone, I lied and said I had forgotten it was there.

I hate myself, because the day Atlas placed his number in my phone, I opened it and looked at it.

I hate myself, because deep down inside, I knew there was a chance that I might one day need it. So I memorized.

“Hello?...Lily?”

[…] I hate myself, because he knows the tears are mine.

“Why did you never come back for me?”

[…] “Why did you lie about having a girlfriend?”

He rubs a hand over his face and I can already see the regret before I even hear it in his voice. “I said that because…you looked happy that night. When I saw you telling him goodbye, it hurt like hell, but at the same time I was relieved that you seemed to be in a really good place. I didn’t want you to worry about me. And I don’t know…maybe I was a little jealous. I don’t know, Lily. I regretted lying to you as soon as I did it.”

[…] I instantly start thinking about the what-ifs. What if he would have been honest with me? Told me how he’d felt? Where would we be now?

I want to ask him why he did it. Why he didn’t fight for me.

“I know this is the last thing you need to hear right now. But I have to say it because I’ve walked away from you too many times without saying what I really want to say.”

He pulls back to look down at me and when he sees my tears, he brings his hands up to my cheeks. “In the future…if by some miracle you ever find yourself in the position to fall in love again…fall in love with me.”

I open the shoebox on my lap and pull out the contents. On the very top is a small wooden, hollow heart. I run my fingers over it and remember the night I was given this heart. As soon as the memory begins to sink in, I set it aside. Nostalgia is a funny thing.

I move a few old letters and newspaper clippings aside. Beneath all of it, I find what I was hoping was inside these boxes. And also sort of hoping wasn’t.

My Ellen Diaries.

“We’re just alike,” he said, […] “Plants and humans. Plants need to be loved the right way in order to survive. So do humans. We rely on our parents from birth to love us enough to keep us alive. And if our parents show us the right kind of love, we turn out as better humans overall. But if we’re neglected…”

[…] I pointed at the row of trees that lined the fence to left of the yard. “You see that tree over there? [...] It grew on its own,” I said. “Most plants do need a lot of care to survive. But some things, like trees, are strong enough to do it by just relying on themselves and no one else.”

“I will say…I kind of wish this could have happened a year ago.”

I wince at his words, trying not to let them penetrate […]

I didn’t expect to feel this much hurt after seeing him.

But it’s good. This happened for a reason. My heart needed closure so I can give it to Ryle, but maybe I couldn’t do that until this happened.

“Mom, he was trying to rape you!”

[…] “It’s not like that, Lily. We’re married, and sometimes marriage is just…you’re too young to understand it.”

It got really quiet for a minute, and I said. “I hope to hell I never do.”

[…] When she finished crying, I looked around the room and Atlas had left [...] She never did say anything about him being there. Not one thing. I waited for her to tell me I was grounded, but she never did. I realized that maybe she didn’t acknowledge it because that’s what she does. Things that hurt her just get swept under the rug, never to be brought up again.”

“I wanted to apologize for saying that you sounded like your mother. That was hurtful. And I’m sorry.”

I don’t know why I always feel like crying when I’m around him. When I think about him. When I read about him. It’s like my emotions are still tethered to him somehow and I can’t figure out how to cut the strings […]

He writes something down on the sticky note and then proceeds to pull my phone apart. He slips the case off and puts the sticky note between the care and the phone, then slides the cover back over it […]

“It’s my cell phone number. Keep it hidden there in case you ever need it.”

I wince at the gesture. The unnecessary gesture. “I won’t need it.”

“I hope not.”

He said the first night he went to that old house, he wasn’t there because he needed a place to stay.

He went there to kill himself […]

“I hope you never know what it’s like to feel that lonely, Lily,” he said […]

“You saved my life, Lily,” he said to me. “And you weren’t even trying.”

He leaned forward and kissed that spot between my shoulder and my neck that he always kisses. I liked that he did it again. I don’t like much about my body, but that spot on my collarbone has become my favorite part of me.

He took my hands in his and told me he was leaving sooner that he planned for the military, but that he couldn’t leave without telling me thank you.

He told me he’d bet gone for four years and that the last thing that he wanted for me was to be a sixteen-year-old not living my life because of a boyfriend I never got to see or hear from […]

“I’m going to make a promise to you,” he said. “When my life is good enough for you to be a part of it, I’ll come find you.”

[…] I opened the bag and pulled out the best present I’d ever received. It was a magnet that said “Boston” on the top. At the bottom in tiny letters, it said “Where everything is better.” I told him I would keep it forever, and every time I look at it I’ll think of him.

He holds up my phone and just looks at me like I should know what’s happening. When I shake my head in confusion, he holds up a piece of paper. “Funny thing,” he says, setting my phone on the coffee table in front of him. “I dropped your phone by accident. Cover pops off. I find this number hidden in the back of it.”

Oh, God.

No, no, no.

He crumbles the number in his fist. “I thought, Huh. That’s weird. Lily doesn’t hide things from me […] He chunks my phone clear across the room and it crashes against the wall, shattering to the floor.

There’s a three-second pause where I think this could go one of two ways.

He’s going to leave me.

Or he’s going to hurt me.

His arm comes around my waist from behind. He slides a hand up my stomach and takes a firm hold of one of my breasts. His other hand feathers my shoulder as he moves the hair away from my neck.

I squeeze my eyes shut, just as fingers begin to trace across my skin, up to my shoulder. He slowly runs his finger over the heart and a shudder runs through my whole body. His lip meets my skin, right over the tattoo, and then he sinks his teeth into me so hard, I scream […]

He’s really angry now. “He’s in everything. The magnet on the fridge. The journal in the box I found in our closet. The fucking tattoo on your body that used to be my favorite goddamn part of you!”

I wipe the tears from my eyes and then begin dialing Atlas’s number.

I hate myself more in this moment that I ever have in my entire life.

I hate myself, because the day Ryle found Atlas’s number in my phone, I lied and said I had forgotten it was there.

I hate myself, because the day Atlas placed his number in my phone, I opened it and looked at it.

I hate myself, because deep down inside, I knew there was a chance that I might one day need it. So I memorized.

“Hello?...Lily?”

[…] I hate myself, because he knows the tears are mine.

“Why did you never come back for me?”

[…] “Why did you lie about having a girlfriend?”

He rubs a hand over his face and I can already see the regret before I even hear it in his voice. “I said that because…you looked happy that night. When I saw you telling him goodbye, it hurt like hell, but at the same time I was relieved that you seemed to be in a really good place. I didn’t want you to worry about me. And I don’t know…maybe I was a little jealous. I don’t know, Lily. I regretted lying to you as soon as I did it.”

[…] I instantly start thinking about the what-ifs. What if he would have been honest with me? Told me how he’d felt? Where would we be now?

I want to ask him why he did it. Why he didn’t fight for me.

“I know this is the last thing you need to hear right now. But I have to say it because I’ve walked away from you too many times without saying what I really want to say.”

He pulls back to look down at me and when he sees my tears, he brings his hands up to my cheeks. “In the future…if by some miracle you ever find yourself in the position to fall in love again…fall in love with me.”