Agency, Control, and Manipulation Theme Analysis

The teenage Connie frequently bristles against her mother, who attempts to control her daughter’s behavior and encourage her to be more like her responsible older sister, June. Yet where Connie seems somewhat at the mercy of her family at home, she holds an effortless kind of control over the boys she has sexual encounters with, and she takes pleasure in the simple sense of power this gives her. Oates introduces a subtler kind of control when Arnold Friend appears at Connie’s house, one that is more psychological and manipulative. The majority of the story consists of Friend convincing Connie to step out of her house, and though Friend does not yet physically touch Connie, he wears her resistance down to such an extent that, while she is not technically forced to leave the house, nor can she be said to do so of her own free will.

Judging from her relationship with her mother and her encounters with young men, it is clear that Connie is determined not to be controlled by anyone, and that she enjoys exercising power over others because it makes her feel independent and important. Specifically, she resents her mother’s attempts to make her conform to a certain version of femininity: to be humble, responsible, and domesticated like her sister. Her mother asks Connie, “Why don't you keep your room clean like your sister? How've you got your hair fixed—what the hell stinks? Hair spray? You don't see your sister using that junk.” Connie’s violent responses show how intensely she resents her mother’s attempts to control her. Not only does Connie tell her friends, “She makes me want to throw up,” but inwardly she wishes she and her mother were both dead: “Connie's mother kept picking at her until Connie wished her mother was dead and she herself was dead and it was all over.”

Compared to her relationship with her mother, the easy control Connie exerts over boys is both unspoken and uncomplicated. Oates describes how one boy, Eddie, whom Connie meets at the plaza, buys her food so that he can spend time with her and have some sort of sexual encounter. Connie also reflects that, when she has these encounters, they occur on her own terms. In this way, Oates establishes Connie’s understanding of control as based either in bullying and nagging, as when her mother repeatedly tells her how to behave, and also as a matter-of-fact process of exchange, as when she chooses whether or not to give boys what they want from her.

Arnold Friend’s method of controlling Connie is very different from how the reader has previously seen Connie interpret and exercise control, and a key element of Friend’s gradual psychological control over Connie is his use of repetitive and highly manipulative language. When he first arrives at Connie’s house, Friend behaves and speaks as though his presence makes perfect sense. For example, he apologizes for being late (as if she were expecting him), and claims, “This is your day set aside for a ride with me and you know it.” His outlandish and nonsensical statements are delivered in a matter-of-fact way, as though he is being reasonable and it is Connie who isn’t making any sense.

By repeating his instructions for her to come out of the house over and over, and by telling her what he is going to do to her as though there is no other possible outcome, Friend gradually wears down Connie’s sense of agency and her ability to make choices, all the while paradoxically telling her she will leave the house of her own free will. Friend seems to know that he can control Connie with his words: if she simply listens to him for long enough, the desired effect will take hold. Friend goes on to say, “I'll tell you how it is, I'm always nice at first, the first time. I'll hold you so tight you won't think you have to try to get away or pretend anything because you'll know you can't.” Not only does he tell her these sexually explicit things as though there is no possible alternative, he suggests he will do away with her need to make choices. While the kind of control Friend wishes to hold over Connie becomes increasingly sinister, he presents Connie’s seemingly inevitable actions as a positive thing. Friend’s use of manipulative language makes her believe she not only has no other option than to go with him, but that she has chosen to go with him.

As the story comes to a close, Friend successfully manipulates Connie: he has worn down her agency and free will so completely that she is unable to act in her own best interests. After her long and irrational exchange with Friend, Connie runs back into the house and picks up the phone, ignoring Friend’s claim that he will leave her family unharmed unless she picks up the phone and tries to call the police. However, when she reaches the phone, she is paralyzed, and it seems that Friend has successfully gotten into her head. When Connie picks up the phone, “Something roared in her ear, a tiny roaring, and she was so sick with fear that she could do nothing but listen to it.” Unable to dial a number or to speak, Connie simply screams against the sound of the dial tone.

When Connie eventually leaves the house with Friend, she disassociates and watches herself in the third person: “She watched herself push the door slowly open […] watching this body and this head of long hair moving out into the sunlight where Arnold Friend waited.” In this way, Oates suggests that though Connie is obeying Friend’s instructions, she is no longer fully present or in control of her actions. This is further insinuated by the suggestion that her identity is now irrelevant: “‘My sweet little blue-eyed girl,’ [Friend] said in a half-sung sigh that had nothing to do with her brown eyes.” Although Connie used to be in control of all of her sexual encounters, her power is no match for Friend’s. Through psychological control and manipulation, Friend successfully robs Connie of her agency, innocence, identity, and presumably, her life.