Ashes Summary & Analysis

Mentioning “little Justin” may be a way for Chris’s mother to needle him about presumably not having children. Given that the story doesn’t mention Chris’s mother having photos of or stories about her own grandchildren, it seems that she’s only able to be a grandparent vicariously, through women like Sandra. Talking about her friends’ grandchildren, then, could be her way of making sure that Chris knows exactly how annoyed she is by this state of affairs. The way Chris’s mother eagerly brings up Caroline, meanwhile, indicates that she probably takes a perverse kind of delight in the failures of her friends’ children. She isn’t sympathetic to the fact that Caroline probably went to therapy because she had mental health issues or another form of personal hardship—instead, she seems to be using Caroline’s slip-up as a way of feeling superior about her own parenting.

The way Chris nods without saying anything when his mother brings up people he doesn’t know implies that he thinks it’s futile to voice his opinion. This again hints at a rift in communication between mother and son, as Chris likely stays silent because he believes his mother will shame him for saying what he thinks (perhaps because she’s done so in the past). Meanwhile, the fact that the garden is covered with leaves, coupled with Chris’s father’s neglected yard tools, hint that his father is no longer in the picture. The garden has fallen into a state of neglect, and the way his mother’s gaze lingers on the leaves outside is a subtle indication that she misses his presence in her life.

This passage confirms what the previous one hinted at: Chris’s father has passed away. When Chris describes reminders of his father as mousetraps or as landmines, it suggests that his memories and his grief are difficult for him to process. They surprise him in a violent way—which perhaps suggests that most of the time, Chris tries to ignore his grief and suppress his emotions. The unpleasant nature of these comparisons with vermin and war could also imply that Chris and his father didn’t have a particularly close or healthy relationship, which is why Chris’s memories of his father are so painful and jarring now. This passage also introduces Chris’s late father’s car as a symbol of the influence that his father still has in his life, regardless of Chris’s efforts to forget the past. Given that Chris’s mother can’t bear to sell the car, she may be trying to hold onto these reminders in any way possible. She and Chris, then, seem to have opposite ways of dealing with grief: his mother wants to cling onto happy memories, whereas Chris wants to avoid the pain that remembering the past stirs up.

When Chris isn’t surprised that his mother wants the box (which presumably contains his father’s ashes) at her feet, it suggests this is a natural extension of their marriage in life. This would indicate that Chris’s mother ran the show, while his father bowed to her every demand, a parallel to the way his ashes now rest at her feet. Chris’s silence, and the way he puts his mouth in the “well-worn line,” therefore suggest that Chris watched this dynamic without ever commenting or speaking up for himself or his father. Staying quiet and keeping his opinions to himself seems to be a “well-worn” habit that Chris has adopted over time as a way of navigating his stunted relationship with his parents.

Again, Chris’s mother seems to take pleasure in holding a grudge about the ways people have wronged her, even over something as trivial as the scones in the café. This further implies that Chris’s mother probably applies this same critical outlook to most things in her life. Her behavior in this regard has seemingly had a negative effect on her relationship with her son, as he doesn’t feel comfortable speaking openly around her. This passage also confirms that the box in the car does indeed contains Chris’s father’s ashes. This is why Chris’s mother is so scandalized about leaving “him” (her husband) in the car. However, she’s also concerned about appearances, as evidenced by her refusal to bring the box into the café for fear of being embarrassed. This, again, hints at why her relationship with Chris is so strained: she’s a highly critical person, and one who is perhaps more concerned with what others think of her and her family than with actually nurturing her relationships.

Grief is a complex emotion that can be expressed in any number of ways, so it’s possible to read Chris’s mother’s behavior as an expression of intense grief. It may be legitimately hard for her to wrap her head around the fact that her husband—once a living, breathing person she shared her life with—is now reduced to something as small as a box that she can hold in her hands. Chris, however, is seemingly unwilling to give his mother any grace in this regard. Instead, he resents that she forces him to take on the responsibility of handling the box and filling out the paperwork. And indeed, Chris’s mother doesn’t seem to consider that her son might harbor similar objections about handling his father’s remains; she expects him to be stoic and responsible in this situation, regardless of his feelings. Because of her selfishness, Chris has had to turn elsewhere for support—presumably, to Scott (though it's not yet clear what his relationship with Scott is or was).

Here, Chris implies that he and Scott were in a romantic relationship but have since broken up. By comparing how he engaged with Scott versus how he engages with his mother, Chris makes it clear that he and his mother aren’t on good terms and don’t communicate well. The only way Chris feels appreciated and seen is to talk to people outside the family. Given how much he still misses Scott, this implies that Chris might not have anyone to talk to at this point—which could hint that his communication issues with his parents have bled into other realms of his life, making it difficult for him to sustain other close relationships.

Although Chris and his mother are clearly feeling the loss of his father, his mother seemingly wants the lighthearted distraction of browsing at a craft shop. Rather than dwelling on pain and negativity, her way of grieving involves making the day as enjoyable as possible—a stark contrast to Chris’s desire to drink a bottle of whiskey and mourn his father in a more morose and ceremonial way. The aside that Chris is glad his mother has stopped knitting baby clothes implies that she was knitting these clothes for the children she hoped Chris would have, and that she’s since given up on the project. With this, readers can infer that his mother has specific expectations for her son: namely, she wants him to father children. Chris’s relief that she’s stopped knitting implies that he might not want to have children—or, at the very least, that he doesn’t appreciate his mother’s pressure to do so.

Here, the narration reinforces the fact that the people in Chris’s mother’s life tiptoe around her and are perhaps even afraid to raise their concerns or object to her. This further characterizes Chris and his parents as people who are fundamentally uncommunicative, at least with one another; they allow their resentment to build rather than openly discussing annoyances or deeper problems. Importantly, though, Chris seems to judge his mother much in the same way that he thinks she judges him. Without knowing what she’s actually thinking, Chris assumes that she’s buying a souvenir merely so that she’ll be able to “refer to [it] bravely” and make people feel sorry for her. In this way, Chris and his mother's poor communication seems to be a two-way street: he has preconceptions of her, just as she has preconceptions of him. Readers, however, can see that Chris’s judgement of his mother may be misguided: after all, shopping seems to be a relatively harmless and even therapeutic activity for her, particular now that she’s trying to cope with the loss of her husband. Buying the picture frame may be a way for her to gain a small amount control over her life, or a way to reframe events (both literally in the form of a photograph, and figuratively within her memory) so that they’re easier to deal with.

Chris’s thinks he may still remember the route to the lake even after 25 years, which suggests that this place holds deep significance for him—perhaps, like his father’s car, it’s symbolic of his and his father’s relationship. The reference to Chris and his mother going to “stand and do it” on the jetty suggests that they’re taking this trip to scatter Chris’s father’s ashes, an event that Chris wants to commemorate—hence why he charged the digital camera.

The car’s cruise-control check has a peculiar effect on Chris, as it goes beyond just startling him—strangely, it makes him feel guilty. Given that the car represents the memory of Chris’s father more broadly, his reaction to the cruise-control check perhaps suggests that Chris feels like his father still has a level of control over him and is urging him to be compliant, even from beyond the grave. This is why Chris feels guilty when it beeps at him—the car, a stand-in for his father, is telling him when he does something wrong. This all becomes harder to bear given how much the car smells like his father, reinforcing its role as a symbol for their relationship. Chris’s realization that it’s been two years since he was close enough to his father to smell him, coupled with the memory of their awkward and hasty show of affection, indicate that they weren’t very close. Yet, even if Chris and his father didn’t have a great relationship, the memory is still painful for Chris to think about. This is why he describes the memory of their last Christmas together as a “memory-bomb”: this language has connotations with violence and war, hearkening back to the story’s earlier comparison of Chris’s memories of his father to “land mines.”

The “dangerous territory” Chris wants to avoid in a conversation with his mother likely refers to topics that will make him feel ashamed or uncomfortable (like his perceived failure to provide her with grandchildren). In this way, he'd rather they avoid difficult subjects than discuss them openly, which further speaks to the gulf between them as they struggle to communicate and understand each other. Chris also feels a headache coming on, which further indicates that spending time with his mother is stressful rather than enjoyable—especially when compounded by grief. Meanwhile, the people Chris’s mother mentions are likely her friends. But the story’s narration doesn’t give any details about them, which is perhaps a hint to readers that these are shallow acquaintances rather than deep, meaningful friendships. This again implies that Chris’s mother is chiefly concerned with keeping up appearances in her social sphere (which, readers know, is largely built on sharing gossip and trivial complaints). This, too, is perhaps why Chris feels so uncomfortable speaking openly with his mother: he’s afraid of disappointing her and of being judged and gossiped about in the same way his mother talks about other people. And again, rather than showing her emotions and openly grieving, Chris’s mother would rather stick to lighter topics like the crematorium garden plot.

Chris’s reaction makes it clear that he’s heard this line about the lake multiple times, and he doesn’t find it particularly useful—or even true. However, Chris acknowledges his own “sneering intolerance” when he listens to his mother talk about how meaningful the lake is. This signals to readers that although Chris’s mother may be embellishing about how important the lake was to Chris and his father, it’s just as likely that it was important to them, and that Chris is just reluctant to admit it and cede any ground to his mother. Given how reluctant Chris is to express himself around his mother, it seems likely that his parents may be just as closed-off around him. He might not understand just how important the lake was to either of his parents, which speaks to how a lack of communication can create misunderstanding and subsequent strain on relationships.

Chris feels like he has to respond to his mother with grunts rather than words, which again shows the extent to which a lack of clear communication has damaged their relationship. He seems to fear that if he says what he really thinks about the fishing trips, his mother will reprimand or harshly correct him. Chris doesn’t seem to believe that going to the lake meant anything to his father—but since the story is skewed to focus on his perspective, it’s entirely possible that these trips were “precious time” to his father. In this way, much like Chris’s difficulties with his mother are two-sided, he and his father may have both played a role in their strained relationship. Chris, however, makes it clear that his mother is exaggerating the details and won’t accept any corrections; this is why he only grunts for fear of getting some part of the story wrong. For his mother, rewriting the story to turn two fishing trips into “all those fishing trips” could be a way of grieving—it may serve as a way for her to rewrite the past in a way that makes it easier to accept and move past.

Regardless of how Chris’s mother feels about the father-son fishing trips, these experiences weren’t fun for Chris—indeed, they made him feel powerless and as though he had to submit to whatever “indignities” his father wanted. It seems like Chris’s father was very interested in cultivating his son’s interest in traditionally masculine pursuits, hence the camping  trips themselves and the man-to-man conversation attempts in the boat. But Chris wasn’t able to be masculine in a way that pleased his father—instead, he found the whole thing uncomfortable and boring. Ultimately, then, the trips had the opposite effect that Chris’s father wanted them to have, driving them further apart rather than closer together.

Here, the story heavily implies that the reason why Chris’s father was so upset about the fishing trip (and why his parents felt embarrassed of him) was that they noticed his lack of stereotypically masculine traits and perhaps even suspected that he was gay. His sexual orientation and gender expression are likely what his parents found “dissatisfying” about him—his father even went so far as to imply that something was “wrong” with Chris. Together, all of this explains why Chris is so withdrawn around his mother, and why there’s so much lingering pain around the memory of his father. His parents treated him as though he was an embarrassment; it makes sense, then, that Chris has never felt comfortable opening up to them.

This passage confirms that Chris is, in fact, gay. But he wasn’t fully aware of his own sexuality until college, which explains why his parents’ thinly-veiled disapproval of his sexuality and gender expression was so confusing and hurtful to him over the years. As an adult, he sees the father-son fishing trips as proof that his father was homophobic and unaccepting of his son. Scott, however, encouraged Chris to see his father’s actions less as a calculated attempt to make him feel bad and more as a reflection of the fact that his father didn’t understand him but still wanted to make an effort. It is, in Scott’s understanding, “part of the journey” for gay kids to have to put up with parents who don’t fully understand them. And Scott also suggests that Chris should move on, a bit of advice that it doesn’t seem like Chris took. If he had, he wouldn’t be dwelling on the trips now—and perhaps he wouldn’t be feeling so resentful of his mother, either.

The insistence that Chris wasn’t ashamed of Scott reads as something Chris told himself and Scott to try to cover up the truth. On some level, Chris likely was ashamed of his sexuality, given his parents’ lifelong disapproval—and, by extension, this would mean that he was ashamed of introducing Scott as his boyfriend. In this sense, the way Chris’s parents treated him as a child still makes him feel ashamed and embarrassed of his identity, even decades later.

Chris’s mother’s shopping habit seems to be the butt of a joke between Chris and his father, suggesting that the men may have at least been able to connect over something. It’s implied that when Chris’s father changed the subject, he was poised to bring up Chris’s sexuality—this is the topic that Chris believed was too late for his father to broach. From the way Chris clammed up at the mere prospect of discussing his sexuality, it’s clear that it wasn’t something he wanted to discuss. But because Chris’s family generally isn’t comfortable either speaking openly or asking people to leave certain subjects alone, Chris probably didn’t feel like he could ask his father to stop.

Chris’s father essentially told him that he could be gay in secret, but that he shouldn’t let any indicators of his sexuality show in front of his mother. Indeed, Chris’s father characterized Chris being openly gay as “throw[ing] it in her face.” Essentially, he encouraged Chris to keep quiet and hide who he is. Given that these were his father’s dying words, it’s no wonder that Chris now feels unable to speak up for himself or contradict his mother. 

Chris realizes, on some level, that his father’s last words reflected his own homophobia, not necessarily his mother’s. In fact, it’s possible that Chris’s mother would be supportive of her son if she knew for sure that he’s gay. But because Chris has become secretive, like his father, he doesn’t think he should tell her. It may feel easier to him to live with this secrecy than to come out and tell his mother he’s gay. But, in doing so, Chris is arguably just as guilty of shutting down lines of communication as his mother is. Just as Chris’s mother alienates her son by placing her own expectations and judgment on him, Chris has preconceptions of his mother that stand in the way of them connecting and bettering their relationship. These opinions may or may not be true, yet Chris believes them so wholeheartedly that he shuts his mother out entirely.

It’s possible Chris’s mother is rewriting these stories because she disliked and resented her husband. So, to make it easier to grieve for him now that he’s gone, she may be trying to recreate her image of him in her head. Essentially, she may be crafting for herself the kind of memories that would make her want to mourn him—and the kind of memories that would sound more palatable to the Book Club Women and her other acquaintances. It’s also important to note the way Chris describes his father, particularly as having had a “morose passivity” about him. This perhaps implies that, at least from Chris’s perspective, his mother was domineering to the point that his father became withdrawn and apathetic. In this way, it doesn’t seem like his father was happy in their marriage, either.

To Chris, his mother’s new habit of rewriting history is offensive, as it ignores the harm his parents caused in making him feel ashamed of his sexuality. But again, there may be a more complicated reason for why Chris’s mother is reframing her memories. She might feel bad for her complicity in pressuring her son to hide who he is, and rewriting the past may make her feel better about her role in all of this. It could even be possible that Chris misunderstood his mother’s behavior when he was a child—that she wasn’t actually embarrassed of him, and that she doesn’t share her late husband’s homophobic sentiments. Chris isn’t willing to consider any of this, though, which suggests that he’s stuck in his way of thinking and isn’t willing to consider a new perspective—to give his mother the benefit of the doubt, as Scott suggested years ago.

To Chris, his own perception of the situation seems unquestionably true. The lake, rather than symbolizing a close father-son relationship, symbolizes his humiliation. He thinks that this trip to scatter his father’s ashes is a “pitiful” sham that glosses over what his relationship with his father was really like, and he also seems to believe that his mother thinks of him as a “perennial bachelor.” But again, Chris doesn’t consider whether the lake might have meant something more to his father and, by extension, to his mother. He also doesn’t acknowledge that his mom might not think of him in such condescending terms, as it’s not clear whether she knows he’s gay, and she may genuinely believe that getting married and having children would make him happy. Again, just as Chris’s parents have long misunderstood him, he is seemingly unwilling to see things from their perspective, which only fuels the resentment that underpins their family dynamic. The beeping car, meanwhile, feels to Chris like his father’s way of expressing his disapproval from beyond the grave—his memories of his father are, at this point, haunting and jarring rather than comforting.

Chris’s mother seems lonely without her husband, which is likely why she’s trying to cling onto Chris and convince him to spend more time with her. However, she’s also (perhaps unintentionally) infantilizing her son, speaking to him as though he’s a child rather than a 35-year-old man. The way Chris’s mother treats him suggests that she still wants to control him, perhaps because he’s failed to live up to her expectations and she wants to play a more active role in shaping his life as she sees fit. But alongside this, it’s significant that the story never reveals much about Chris’s personal life or career. This may be because Chris feels compelled to hide things about his life from his mother (and, by extension, from readers) for fear of being judged or dismissed.

Although this exchange is imaginary, it nevertheless shows how Chris sees his mother. In his mind, she’s selfish and critical, and he doesn’t believe his mother  truly considers a person an adult until they’re married with children. This would explain why she infantilizes Chris—in her mind, he’s not an adult anyway. But, importantly, readers have no way of knowing if this is what Chris’s mother actually believes, since the story is skewed toward Chris’s perspective. He may or may not be correct, but he’s nevertheless making assumptions rather than openly communicating with his mother, which continues to drive a wedge between them. 

The pained reaction that Chris previously had to memories of his father is notably absent here. It’s possible, then, that returning to the lake is helping Chris better process his grief and his conflicted emotions about his father.

Although Chris is extremely nervous about having to make a speech, he doesn’t openly express his worries to his mother. Instead, he simply assumes that he’ll be pressured into saying something now, just as he was pressured into giving his father’s eulogy at the funeral. Again, this points to a lack of communication between Chris and his mother: rather than voicing his concerns and being vulnerable with her, he allows his grief and resentment to fester. This struggle to express himself and articulate his emotions also spilled over into Chris’s interactions with the priest. It seems that Chris doesn’t know exactly what he’s feeling, nor is he sure how to grieve a man who hurt him so deeply in the past.

Contrary to what Chris assumed, his mother doesn’t want either of them to say anything before scattering the ashes. Given the poor communication readers have witnessed between Chris and his parents throughout the story, it’s possible that his mother has just as much trouble articulating herself and being emotionally vulnerable as her son does. Meanwhile, Chris is terrified that his mother will break down—likely because he hasn’t quite figured out how to face his own grief yet, let alone how to comfort his mother.

The anecdote about quitting smoking seems to be Chris’s mother's way of acknowledging that her marriage wasn’t perfect. There were clearly things the couple didn’t agree on, and there were likely other compromises that they had to make. Furthermore, readers know from Chris’s perspective that his mother felt trapped in the marriage and often got frustrated with his father. Both Chris and his mother, then, had difficult relationships with his father. However, they’re dealing with their grief in different ways: Chris’s mother wants to remember the past, while Chris wants to run from it.

Chris’s mother’s offer of the scissors is a simple gesture, yet her uncharacteristic kindness in this moment is enough to catch Chris off guard. This hints that scattering her late husband’s ashes might be an occasion capable of changing how Chris’s mother interacts with her son, if only because it forces her to confront her emotions. However, she also mentions that it’s nice to have the privacy, which could imply that she’s still concerned with what others think and with maintaining appearances. It’s unlikely that anyone would think poorly of Chris and his mother for scattering ashes and expressing their emotions as they do so—but Chris’s mother still seems unwilling to do anything out of the ordinary in front of an audience.

This memory paints Chris’s father as someone unfamiliar and foreign to him—even though they were father and son, Chris felt alienated in their relationship. But the memory also characterizes his father as a man who was genuinely trying to bond with his son. From this, readers can infer that Chris’s father was probably a more complex and even sympathetic person than Chris tends to remember him as. Although his homophobic sentiments certainly hurt his son, he nevertheless wanted to connect with Chris—something that their lack of clear communication prevented from happening. The fact that Chris forgot the smile on his father’s face until now perhaps suggests that coming to acknowledge his father’s virtues alongside his flaws will be an integral part of his grieving process.

Even though Chris and his mother aren’t especially close, Chris still thinks about his mother as though he knows her very well. He sympathizes with her grief and recognizes that getting ready for this difficult day was probably an ordeal for her, which is why he wishes that he’d complimented her outfit. These thoughts hint that Chris and his mother’s shared grief over his father’s death could present a bonding opportunity for them, as seeing his mother in pain is allowing Chris to develop empathy for her. Moreover, Chris is beginning to realize that he’s made mistakes in their relationship, too.

The “obedient and tremulous” expression on Chris’s mother’s face hearkens back to Chris’s own thought that he has to be strong for his mother. Although he holds this belief about his role in their relationship, his mother’s strained expression indicates that she’s trying to be strong for Chris as well. In addition, she may want to put on a brave face so that she looks happier in the photo than she really is, which would be another way of reframing the past and deciding how moments like these are remembered. Seeing how much of an effort she’s making is likely what makes Chris start to choke up. Things take a turn for the worse, though, when Chris’s mother has such an adverse reaction to seeing the ashes. She puts all the responsibility on Chris, much like she did at the crematorium, without giving him any room to push back or express what he wants this ritual to look like.

This passage suggests that, on some level, Chris feels just as much aversion to touching his father’s ashes as his mother does. But again, rather than expressing this, he stays silent because he doesn’t want to rock the boat by unceremoniously dumping the tub or outrightly refusing to scatter the ashes. The pressure Chris’s mother puts on him here is arguably unfair—his mother, after all, was the one who decided that they should scatter the ashes on the lake. Again, the lack of communication between mother and son makes this day more stressful and painful than it perhaps needed to be.

Here, Chris’s memories of the past seem to meld with his actions in the present. Scattering his father’s ashes in the lake immerses Chris back in the past—and again, his memories seem neutral, if not fond. His father comes off as competent, in control, and even happy with the trip despite Chris’s unhappiness. This is a stark contrast to how Chris previously remembered the fishing trips (as disasters), and it’s another indicator that the trips actually meant a great deal to Chris’s father. This again speaks to the dangers of staying mired in one’s own perspective and refusing to talk things out or change one’s point of view. Perhaps, like Chris’s mother suggested, it is for the best that his father’s final resting place will be the lake, as this location represents the complexity of Chris and his father’s relationship—for better or worse.

Here, Chris realizes—perhaps for the first time—that he made mistakes in his relationship with his father, too. He might not have been having fun, but he also didn’t have to act cruelly when it was clear that his father was trying his best to reach out and bond with his son. Again, his relationship with his father was complicated, and his father’s homophobia was undoubtedly hurtful—but Chris also didn’t help matters. Meanwhile, as Chris describes the ashes and the “hard and unyielding” bones they came from, he’s describing his father in this way as much as he’s describing the actual bones. His father, in his mind, may have been set in his ways and unable to change. But now that his father is gone and has been diminished to something as insignificant as ash, it seems possible that Chris’s memories will begin to change too—Chris may be able to finally put the past in the past.

In this moment, Chris seems to fully accept his role in his poor relationship with his father. He acknowledges that it would have been easy to make an effort—all he’d needed to do was answer his father. But because Chris didn’t answer, the afternoon—and the ensuing years of his strained relationship with his father—now seem like a waste. They lost “uncounted hours” of time together, all because they couldn’t speak openly with each other or trust the other to accept them.

Though Chris can’t make amends with his father now that he’s gone, his revelation about his role in their relationship also seems to have made him realize that he can work on his relationship with his mother. This is likely why Chris kindly agrees to get his mother back to the gift shop before closing, and why he brushes the ash off her lapel with newfound tenderness. It doesn’t take much, Chris now knows, to improve a relationship. If he’s a little more open and generous with his mother, there’s a real possibility that he can steer their relationship in a better direction than his relationship with his father.