The Government Inspector Quotes

I had a kind of premonition about this. All last night I dreamt about a couple of extraordinary rats—they were black and absolutely enormous. They came in, took a few sniffs and off they went.

I don’t need to tell you that there isn’t a man alive who hasn’t some little indiscretion on his conscience.

Hell! My sword’s scratched all over. That damned shopkeeper Abdulin knows very well the mayor’s sword’s in poor condition and still he doesn’t send me a new one.

You watch it! You can’t pull the wool over my eyes. What did you do to that draper Chernayev, eh? He gave you two yards of cloth for a new uniform and you swiped the whole roll! You watch out! You’re taking bribes above your rank!

Now you listen, this is what you must do. Constable Pugovitsyn is very tall, so station him on the bridge to create a good impression. And tell them to pull down that old fence by the shoemaker’s and stick up some poles to make it look like a building site. The more we pull down the busier the mayor will appear.

But no: he has to show off in every town. “I say, Osip,” he tells me, “fish around and find me the best room and order a first-rate dinner—no inferior cooking for me, nothing but the best will do.” It wouldn’t be so bad if he really was a somebody, but he’s just a lousy little clerk.

And I’m like you—I’ve no time for two-faced people. I find your frankness and cordiality most gratifying. I do confess that I ask for nothing more out of life than devotion and respect, respect and devotion.

No, not a general, but he’s as good as one. So cultured, so dignified.

Now, Mashenka, we have to decide what to wear. He’s a Petersburg man-about-town, so I hope he won’t laugh at us.

I’m mad about good food. But what else is life for except to pluck the blossoms of pleasure…

Once I was even taken for the Commander-in-Chief himself. The soldiers leapt out of the guardroom and presented arms. Afterwards an officer—a great friend of mine—told me: “Well, old man, we really did think you were the Commander-in-Chief!”

Well, the more I think about it…hell!…my head’s going round! I feel as if I were perched on top of a steeple or as if I had a noose round my neck.

The whole world’s gone topsy-turvy.

This just isn’t how things are done in a well-ordered community […]. We should pay our respects one by one—tête-à-tête so to speak, behind closed doors, so no one sees or hears. That’s how things are done in a well-ordered society.

After all, what does one really need? Only to be respected and genuinely liked.

She’s quite a tasty dish too—not at all bad looking.

What a dunderhead you are! Even when everything’s been explained to you, you still don’t believe it!

Fish! I suppose that’s all you can think of! But I do want to have the very best house in the Capital. There’ll be such an exquisite odour when you enter my boudoir that it will make you close your eyes! Oh, how wonderful!

What are you laughing at? You’re laughing at yourselves, that’s what!

Yes, they say those whom the gods want to punish they first drive insane. Was there anything like a government inspector about that whippersnapper? Absolutely damn all. Not by a long chalk!

I can’t explain how it all came about, for the life of me. I feel as if a thick fog has blinded us. It’s the work of the devil!