Essun has still been trying to keep herself from fully thinking about and processing the reality of her situation, and so here she is struck by the bad news all at once and overwhelmed by emotion. In her grief, she lashes out at herself, turning to the familiar idea that she is an evil monster because she is an orogene, and that all of this must therefore be her fault. This internalized prejudice causes her great suffering and self-hatred. At the same time, because of her orogenic power, losing control like this could mean danger for those around her.