The Four Agreements: Chapter 4. The Third Agreement Summary & Analysis

When we make assumptions, Ruiz says, we believe they are the truth. We assume we know what other people think or feel and we subsequently blame them and send “emotional poison” their way. Making assumptions just creates problems and drama, and we should avoid doing that. As such, the third agreement is, “don’t make assumptions.” Often, we are “afraid to ask for clarification,” so we make assumptions that we defend and base gossip on. We try to prove that we are right and others are wrong, which creates a whole lot of suffering. Ruiz thinks it’s always better to ask than to assume.

The chaos in our minds causes us to misinterpret everything: we only see and hear what we want to believe and we dream things up all the time that have no basis in reality. For example, imagine you see someone you like in the mall and they smile at you. From this smile you could assume they like you, which might lead you to imagine yourself in a relationship with that person and perhaps to even fantasize about your wedding. We do this sort of thing all the time, Ruiz says.

A lot of problems in relationships come from making assumptions: we often assume our partners know what we’re thinking or what we want, and get upset when they don’t. We assume that our friends, family, and other important people know us so well that we don’t have to communicate what we want, then we get upset when those people don’t read our minds. Ruiz thinks we make assumptions because we believe it's not safe to ask questions. Our biggest assumption is thinking that everyone else thinks the way we do. We are afraid to be ourselves around others because we are afraid that they will judge, blame, and criticize us the way we judge, blame, and criticize ourselves. 

We also often make assumptions about ourselves that cause internal conflict. For example, you overestimate yourself or underestimate yourself because you haven’t taken the time to ask yourself questions about the situation you face. Often, when we get into relationships, we see the things we like about the other person and ignore the things we don’t like.  We also assume we can change the things we don’t like and get upset when the person doesn’t change. That isn’t real love, according to Ruiz—real love is accepting someone just the way they are. If someone wants to change you, they don’t really love you. It’s much better to agree that you’ll stay with someone if they accept you as you are but that you’ll leave if they don’t. This may sound harsh, but that style of  communication is more “impeccable,” as per the first agreement.

Ruiz says the easiest way to stop making assumptions is to ask questions. You should, he believes, ask as many questions as you need until you are clear—then you won’t need to assume anything because you’ll already know the truth. You’ll be able to communicate clearly, your relationships will change, and your word will be “impeccable.”  Instead of assuming someone knows what you want, tell them what you want. Ruiz even thinks that all human problems would be solved if everyone communicated clearly and didn’t make assumptions. 

It’s hard to stop making assumptions because it’s our habit to assume. So, first, we need to be aware of habits, then we need to act differently—over and over again—until we form new habits. Ruiz thinks that if you make this agreement a habit, you will transform from a “black magician” into a “white magician” and you’ll master your intent, spirit, love, gratitude, and life itself. This mastery, which puts you on the path to freedom, is the goal of the Toltec.