Family Conflict Theme Analysis

Margaret’s parents have fraught relationships with their own parents, which creates a lot of tension in her family. Margaret’s Mom, for instance, hasn’t spoken to her parents for 14 years; they disowned her because she married a Jewish man (Margaret’s Dad). Meanwhile, Margaret’s paternal grandmother, Grandma, is also a source of friction, since Margaret’s parents believe that Grandma has too much influence on Margaret. This, in Margaret’s understanding, is one of their reasons for moving to New Jersey: they want to put some distance between Margaret and Grandma, which is not what Margaret wants. And finally, as Margaret enters puberty, her own relationship with her parents becomes rockier and less harmonious. As these relationships develop over the course of the novel, it becomes clear that much of the family’s tension results from the adults in Margaret’s life having competing ideas about what’s best for her—usually without asking Margaret what she herself thinks. This suggests that family conflict often arises when parents don’t accept or respect who their children have chosen to be.

The novel shows that conflicts between parents and children often arise when children make choices their parents don’t approve of. The most obvious and extreme example of this is Mom’s relationship with her parents, Margaret’s Grandmother and Grandfather. Mom was raised Christian in Ohio, and when she met Dad and expressed interest in marrying him, her parents disowned her rather than accept their Jewish son-in-law. The novel makes it clear that Grandmother and Grandfather’s refusal to accept Dad was rooted in bigotry, but it was also about trying to control their adult daughter’s choices. Besides this, the novel contains many smaller instances of parents disapproving of who their children are or what they do. For example, Grandma is perplexed that Mom and Dad would choose to move out of New York City to the suburbs, which she considers the country. But by not trying to empathize with and understand this choice, Grandma further alienates her son and daughter-in-law, leading to more family conflict.

By contrast, Margaret’s parents generally give her freedom to make her own choices, which helps Margaret stay close to them as she matures. Though Mom and Dad aren’t pleased when Margaret expresses interest in going with Grandma to temple or attending church services with her friends, they nevertheless allow her to go without much fuss. This shows how important it is to Mom and Dad to allow Margaret to make her own choices and become her own person—things that Mom in particular wasn’t allowed to do when she was young. This results in a trusting relationship between Margaret and her parents, where she feels comfortable making requests—such as going to religious services, wearing a bra, or using deodorant—without fear that she’s going to get in trouble for asking. In essence, the way Margaret’s parents handle her requests and her growing independence shows that they’re there to support her as she grows and tries new things. They become supportive allies, rather than enemies who stand in the way of Margaret’s development.

That said, none of the adults in Margaret’s life are faultless—the novel shows that even the most supportive parents and grandparents can make assumptions, something that can be extremely hurtful. Things come to a head between Margaret, her parents, and Mom’s parents when Grandmother and Grandfather come to visit for the first time in 14 years. When the conversation turns to religion, and Margaret’s religion in particular, Mom and Dad insist to Mom’s parents that Margaret is “nothing,” and that she can choose a religion when she’s an adult. Though this may be true on the surface, Margaret nevertheless resents that her parents try to speak for her without asking her how she thinks of herself. Margaret sees this as a sign of disrespect, and as an unwillingness on Mom and Dad’s part to actually support Margaret’s religious experimentation. It’s just as hurtful when Grandmother and Grandfather insist that Margaret can’t escape being a Christian—and when, the next evening, Grandma declares that Margaret is Jewish. Though Margaret sees her parents’ and grandparents’ assertions as controlling and dehumanizing, it’s also possible to see the adults’ assertions about Margaret’s religious affiliation as something less sinister: hope for Margaret’s future. Mom and Dad want to save Margaret the pain of having to navigate an interfaith marriage and the resulting family politics, while Margaret’s grandparents on both sides want to make sure she’s safe and cared for spiritually by identifying with the “correct” religion. But regardless of their good intentions, the outcome of their behavior—Margaret’s further alienation, and renewed family conflict—suggests that it would’ve been more supportive to let Margaret figure out her own identity and assert it without interference.

The novel doesn’t tie up its exploration of family conflict neatly. Margaret is still at odds with Grandma at the end of the novel, and it seems unlikely that Mom’s relationship with her parents is going to improve. This in and of itself suggests that conflict between family members is normal and expected. Nevertheless, it implies that some conflict can be avoided or diminished when parents respect their children’s choices and autonomy.