Here, the novel explains why Violet is struggling so much with this party: it’s bringing back all the good and bad memories of Eleanor’s last night alive. When Violet insists that Ryan is perfect, unlike her, it implies that she sees herself as lesser because of her mental health issues. And again, she fears the stigma attached to contemplating suicide—this is why she wonders what Ryan would think if he knew that Finch saved her and not the other way around. Given how unmoored and upset Violet is in this moment, it’s perhaps unsurprising why she’s not ready to get back to “living.” Living is, in many ways, too painful and brings up too many unhappy memories.