It Ends with Us

by

Colleen Hoover

Cycles of Abuse Theme Analysis

Themes and Colors
LitCharts assigns a color and icon to each theme in It Ends with Us, which you can use to track the themes throughout the work.

It Ends with Us portrays abuse as cyclical, both individually and generationally. In its examination of the dating life and marriage of protagonist Lily and her partner, Ryle, the novel shows how a pattern of violence and forgiveness can repeat throughout a single relationship. For Lily and Ryle, this cycle begins with passionate feelings of love, belonging, and calm. However, Ryle often loses his temper, causing him to lash out violently and hurt Lily. Afterward, Ryle’s intense remorse and Lily’s longing for the version of him she loves pushes them toward reconciliation. They are happy for a time, but something inevitably sets Ryle off again, and the cycle of violence, remorse, and reconciliation continues. Lily’s parents’ relationship significantly shapes her responses these abusive episodes, showing how domestic violence can reoccur generationally. Lily’s father abused her mother repeatedly, at times hurting Lily, too. From this experience, Lily identifies two main flaws in her parents’ relationship that she believes are responsible for their problems: that her mother married someone who didn’t truly love her, and that her mother chose to maintain the family’s status and lifestyle instead of seeking help to maintain her and her daughter’s safety. Lily hates her father for his abusive actions, but the main missteps Lily identifies and vows not to repeat in her own life place responsibility and judgement on the victim—her mother—rather than on the person perpetrating violence—her father. 

Lily is shocked when she  marries Ryle and finds herself in in an abusive marriage like her mother before her. Like her mom, Lily’s first instinct is to preserve the reputation and career of the man she loves by lying about the source of her injuries, though doing so fills her with shame for repeating her mother’s pattern. Lily eventually flees her home when Ryle’s violent outbursts escalate, but the unexpected news that she is pregnant with his baby leaves her confused about how to proceed. Lily longs to forgive Ryle, hoping he might get better and raise their child with her. On the other hand, she worries that staying will prove that she is weak, lead to further abuse, and cause others to judge her. In this way, Lily’s experience with her own abusive marriage shows her what she was unable to recognize as a child: how complicated and isolating domestic violence can be. Lily’s new empathy for her mother allows her to have more compassion for herself, too. She fights back against her shame by confiding in the people she loves and trusts: her mother; her sister-in-law, Allysa; and her childhood love, Atlas. Lily is shocked and grateful when her community responds to her admission with support rather than judgment. The strength Lily gains through opening up to her support system allows her to overcome the shame she used to associate with victims of domestic violence. The novel thus shows how confiding in others plays a vital role in helping survivors of abuse work through their trauma and internalized shame and place blame where it really belongs—on abusers—thus breaking cycles of abuse.

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Cycles of Abuse Quotes in It Ends with Us

Below you will find the important quotes in It Ends with Us related to the theme of Cycles of Abuse.
Chapter 1 Quotes

“My father was abusive. […] Sometimes he would buy me stuff because he knew I hated it when they fought. When I was a kid, I found myself looking forward to the nights they would fight. Because I knew if he hit her, the two weeks that followed would be great. […] When I got older I realized that not doing something about it made me just as guilty. I spent most of my life hating him for being such a bad person, but I’m not so sure I’m much better. Maybe we’re both bad people.”

Ryle looks over at me with a thoughtful expression. “Lily,” he says pointedly. “There is no such thing as bad people. We’re all just people who do bad things.”

I open my mouth to respond, but his words strike me silent.

Related Characters: Lily Bloom (speaker), Ryle Kincaid (speaker), Lily’s Mother, Lily’s father
Related Symbols: Plants
Page Number: 16-17
Explanation and Analysis:
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Chapter 2  Quotes

I open the shoebox on my lap and pull out the contents. On the very top is a small wooden, hollow heart. I run my fingers over it and remember the night I was given this heart. As soon as the memory begins to sink in, I set it aside. Nostalgia is a funny thing.

I move a few old letters and newspaper clippings aside. Beneath all of it, I find what I was hoping was inside these boxes. And also sort of hoping wasn’t.

My Ellen Diaries.

Related Characters: Lily Bloom (speaker), Atlas Corrigan, Lily’s father, Ellen DeGeneres
Related Symbols: Open Heart
Page Number: 29
Explanation and Analysis:
Chapter 3 Quotes

“Someone once told me that there is no such thing as bad people. We’re all just people who sometimes do bad things. That stuck with me, because it’s so true. We’ve all got a little bit of good and evil in us. I want to make that our theme. Instead of painting the walls a putrid sweet color, we paint them dark purple with black accents. And instead of only putting out the usual pastel displays of flowers in boring crystal vases that make people think about life, we go edgy. Brave and bold.”

Related Characters: Lily Bloom (speaker), Ryle Kincaid, Allysa
Related Symbols: Plants
Page Number: 46
Explanation and Analysis:
Chapter 8 Quotes

“We’re just alike,” he said, […] “Plants and humans. Plants need to be loved the right way in order to survive. So do humans. We rely on our parents from birth to love us enough to keep us alive. And if our parents show us the right kind of love, we turn out as better humans overall. But if we’re neglected…”

[…] I pointed at the row of trees that lined the fence to left of the yard. “You see that tree over there? [...] It grew on its own,” I said. “Most plants do need a lot of care to survive. But some things, like trees, are strong enough to do it by just relying on themselves and no one else.”

Related Characters: Lily Bloom (speaker), Atlas Corrigan (speaker)
Related Symbols: Open Heart , Plants
Page Number: 106
Explanation and Analysis:
Chapter 11 Quotes

“Mom, he was trying to rape you!”

[…] “It’s not like that, Lily. We’re married, and sometimes marriage is just…you’re too young to understand it.”

It got really quiet for a minute, and I said. “I hope to hell I never do.”

[…] When she finished crying, I looked around the room and Atlas had left [...] She never did say anything about him being there. Not one thing. I waited for her to tell me I was grounded, but she never did. I realized that maybe she didn’t acknowledge it because that’s what she does. Things that hurt her just get swept under the rug, never to be brought up again.”

Related Characters: Lily Bloom (speaker), Lily’s Mother (speaker), Ryle Kincaid, Atlas Corrigan, Lily’s father
Page Number: 156
Explanation and Analysis:
Chapter 12  Quotes

I run inside the store and grab the steampunk flowers and run them back to their car. Her face lights up when I hand them to her.

“I’m happy you’re pregnant but that’s not why I’m giving you these flowers. I just want you to have them. Because you’re my best friend.”

Allysa squeezes me and whispers in my ear. “I hope he marries you someday. We’ll be even better sisters.”

She climbs inside the car and they leave, and I just stand there watching them because I don’t know that I’ve ever had a friend like her in my whole life. Maybe it’s the wine. I don’t know, but I love today.

Related Characters: Lily Bloom (speaker), Allysa (speaker), Rylee (speaker), Ryle Kincaid
Related Symbols: Plants
Page Number: 167
Explanation and Analysis:
Chapter 13 Quotes

“You don’t put pressure on me to be something I’m incapable of being. You accept me exactly how I am.”

I smile. “Well, in fairness, you’re a little different from when I first met you. You aren’t so anti-girlfriend anymore.”

“That’s because you make it easy,” he says, sliding a hand inside the back of my shirt. “It’s easy being with you. I can still have the career I’ve always wanted, but you make it ten times better with the way you support me. When I’m with you, I feel like I get to have my cake and eat it, too.”

Related Characters: Lily Bloom (speaker), Ryle Kincaid (speaker)
Page Number: 173
Explanation and Analysis:
Chapter 14  Quotes

I start shaking my head, wanting the last fifteen seconds to go away. Fifteen seconds. That’s all it takes to completely change everything about a person.

Fifteen seconds that we’ll never get back.

He pulls me against him and starts kissing the top of my head. “I’m so sorry. I just…I burned my hand. I panicked. You were laughing and…I’m so sorry, it all happened so fast. I didn’t mean to push you, Lily, I’m sorry.”

I don’t hear Ryle’s voice this time. All I hear is my father’s voice […]

I just want him away from me. I use every ounce of strength I have in both my hands and legs and I force him the fuck away from me.

Related Characters: Ryle Kincaid (speaker), Lily Bloom, Lily’s Mother, Lily’s father
Page Number: 186
Explanation and Analysis:

He’s not like my father. He can’t be. He’s nothing like that uncaring bastard.

We’re both upset and kissing and confused and sad. I’ve never felt anything like this moment—so ugly and painful. But somehow the only thing that eases the hurt just caused by this man is this man […]

I’m hurting so much on the inside, yet my body craves his apology in the form of his mouth and hands on me. I want to lash out at him and react like I wish my mother would have reacted when my father hurt her, but deep down I want to believe that it really was an accident.

Related Characters: Lily Bloom, Ryle Kincaid, Lily’s Mother, Lily’s father
Page Number: 188
Explanation and Analysis:
Chapter 16  Quotes

“I wanted to apologize for saying that you sounded like your mother. That was hurtful. And I’m sorry.”

I don’t know why I always feel like crying when I’m around him. When I think about him. When I read about him. It’s like my emotions are still tethered to him somehow and I can’t figure out how to cut the strings […]

He writes something down on the sticky note and then proceeds to pull my phone apart. He slips the case off and puts the sticky note between the care and the phone, then slides the cover back over it […]

“It’s my cell phone number. Keep it hidden there in case you ever need it.”

I wince at the gesture. The unnecessary gesture. “I won’t need it.”

“I hope not.”

Related Characters: Lily Bloom (speaker), Atlas Corrigan (speaker), Ryle Kincaid, Lily’s Mother
Related Symbols: Open Heart , Lily’s Better in Boston Magnet
Page Number: 206
Explanation and Analysis:
Chapter 17  Quotes

He said the first night he went to that old house, he wasn’t there because he needed a place to stay.

He went there to kill himself […]

“I hope you never know what it’s like to feel that lonely, Lily,” he said […]

“You saved my life, Lily,” he said to me. “And you weren’t even trying.”

He leaned forward and kissed that spot between my shoulder and my neck that he always kisses. I liked that he did it again. I don’t like much about my body, but that spot on my collarbone has become my favorite part of me.

He took my hands in his and told me he was leaving sooner that he planned for the military, but that he couldn’t leave without telling me thank you.

Related Characters: Atlas Corrigan (speaker), Lily Bloom
Related Symbols: Open Heart
Page Number: 212
Explanation and Analysis:

He told me he’d bet gone for four years and that the last thing that he wanted for me was to be a sixteen-year-old not living my life because of a boyfriend I never got to see or hear from […]

“I’m going to make a promise to you,” he said. “When my life is good enough for you to be a part of it, I’ll come find you.”

[…] I opened the bag and pulled out the best present I’d ever received. It was a magnet that said “Boston” on the top. At the bottom in tiny letters, it said “Where everything is better.” I told him I would keep it forever, and every time I look at it I’ll think of him.

Related Characters: Atlas Corrigan (speaker), Lily Bloom
Related Symbols: Lily’s Better in Boston Magnet
Page Number: 213
Explanation and Analysis:
Chapter 19  Quotes

He holds up my phone and just looks at me like I should know what’s happening. When I shake my head in confusion, he holds up a piece of paper. “Funny thing,” he says, setting my phone on the coffee table in front of him. “I dropped your phone by accident. Cover pops off. I find this number hidden in the back of it.”

Oh, God.

No, no, no.

He crumbles the number in his fist. “I thought, Huh. That’s weird. Lily doesn’t hide things from me […] He chunks my phone clear across the room and it crashes against the wall, shattering to the floor.

There’s a three-second pause where I think this could go one of two ways.

He’s going to leave me.

Or he’s going to hurt me.

Related Characters: Ryle Kincaid (speaker), Lily Bloom, Atlas Corrigan
Related Symbols: Lily’s Better in Boston Magnet
Page Number: 229
Explanation and Analysis:
Chapter 20 Quotes

“I shot him, Lily. My best friend. My big brother. I was only six years old. I didn’t even know I was holding a real gun.”

[…] “I was trying to put everything back inside his head. I thought I could fix him, Lily.”

[…] “Allysa wanted me to tell you all of this because since that happened, there are things I can’t control. I get angry. I black out. I’ve been in therapy since I was six years old. But it’s not my excuse. It is my reality…I don’t remember the moment I pushed you. But I know I did…You’re my wife. I’m supposed to be the one who protects you from the monsters. I’m not supposed to be one.”

[…] It breaks me. It rips me apart from the inside out. All my heart wants to do is wrap tightly around his.

Related Characters: Ryle Kincaid (speaker), Lily Bloom, Allysa, Emerson Kincaid
Page Number: 246
Explanation and Analysis:
Chapter 21 Quotes

It’s been almost a mother since the incident on the stairs. Even with everything Ryle told me about his childhood, the forgiveness was still hard to come by.

I know Ryle has a temper. I saw it the first night we met, before we ever even spoke a word to each other. I saw it that awful night in my kitchen. I saw it when he found the phone number in my phone case.

Bur I also see the difference between Ryle and my father.

Ryle is compassionate. He does things my father never would have done. He donates to charity, he cares about other people, he puts me before everything […]

I am a strong woman. I’ve been around abusive situations my whole life. I will never become my mother, I believe that a hundred percent. And Ryle will never become my father.

Related Characters: Lily Bloom, Ryle Kincaid, Lily’s Mother, Lily’s father
Page Number: 245
Explanation and Analysis:
Chapter 23  Quotes

His arm comes around my waist from behind. He slides a hand up my stomach and takes a firm hold of one of my breasts. His other hand feathers my shoulder as he moves the hair away from my neck.

I squeeze my eyes shut, just as fingers begin to trace across my skin, up to my shoulder. He slowly runs his finger over the heart and a shudder runs through my whole body. His lip meets my skin, right over the tattoo, and then he sinks his teeth into me so hard, I scream […]

He’s really angry now. “He’s in everything. The magnet on the fridge. The journal in the box I found in our closet. The fucking tattoo on your body that used to be my favorite goddamn part of you!”

Related Characters: Ryle Kincaid (speaker), Lily Bloom, Atlas Corrigan
Related Symbols: Open Heart , Lily’s Better in Boston Magnet
Page Number: 264
Explanation and Analysis:

I wipe the tears from my eyes and then begin dialing Atlas’s number.

I hate myself more in this moment that I ever have in my entire life.

I hate myself, because the day Ryle found Atlas’s number in my phone, I lied and said I had forgotten it was there.

I hate myself, because the day Atlas placed his number in my phone, I opened it and looked at it.

I hate myself, because deep down inside, I knew there was a chance that I might one day need it. So I memorized.

“Hello?...Lily?”

[…] I hate myself, because he knows the tears are mine.

Related Characters: Atlas Corrigan (speaker), Lily Bloom, Ryle Kincaid, Lily’s Mother, Lily’s father
Related Symbols: Open Heart
Page Number: 268
Explanation and Analysis:
Chapter 25  Quotes

I don’t even know where to start. I know you don’t know anything about my current life or my husband, Ryle. But there’s this thing we do where one of us says “naked truth,” and then we’re forced to be brutally honest and say what we’re really thinking.

So…naked truth.

Brace yourself.

I am in love with a man who physically hurts me. Of all people, I have no idea how I let myself get to this point.

There were many times growing up I wondered what was going through my mother’s head in the days after my father had hurt her […]

I hate that I can empathize with her now.

Related Characters: Lily Bloom (speaker), Ryle Kincaid, Lily’s Mother, Lily’s father, Ellen DeGeneres
Page Number: 281
Explanation and Analysis:

People on the outside of situations like these often wonder why the woman goes back to the abuser. I read somewhere once that 85 percent of women return to abusive situations. That was before I realized I was in one, and when I heard that statistic, I thought it was because the women were stupid.

[…] I love my husband, Ellen […] Preventing your heart from forgiving someone you love is actually a hell of a lot harder than simply forgiving them [...]

The things I’ve thought about women like me are now what others would think of me if they knew my current situation […]

I’m sad that those are the first thoughts that run through our minds when someone is abused. Shouldn’t there be more distaste in our mouths for abusers than for those who continue to love their abusers?

Related Characters: Lily Bloom (speaker), Ryle Kincaid, Lily’s Mother, Lily’s father, Ellen DeGeneres
Page Number: 283
Explanation and Analysis:
Chapter 28  Quotes

“I know this is the last thing you need to hear right now. But I have to say it because I’ve walked away from you too many times without saying what I really want to say.”

He pulls back to look down at me and when he sees my tears, he brings his hands up to my cheeks. “In the future…if by some miracle you ever find yourself in the position to fall in love again…fall in love with me.”

Related Characters: Atlas Corrigan (speaker), Lily Bloom
Related Symbols: Lily’s Better in Boston Magnet
Page Number: 309
Explanation and Analysis:
Chapter 29  Quotes

“My brother loves you, Lily. He loves you so much. You have changed his entire life and have made him someone that I never thought he could be. As his sister, I wish more than anything that you find a way to forgive him. But as your best friend, I have to tell you that if you take him back, I will never speak to you again.”

It takes a moment for her words to register, but when they do, I start sobbing.

She starts sobbing.

She wraps her arms around me and we cry over the mutual love we have for Ryle. We cry over how much we hate him right now.

Related Characters: Allysa (speaker), Lily Bloom, Ryle Kincaid
Page Number: 315
Explanation and Analysis:
Chapter 30 Quotes

His hand wraps in my hair and in an instant, I’m transferred back to that night.

I’m in the kitchen, and his hand is tugging my hair so hard it hurts.

He brushes the hair from my face and in an instant, I’m transferred back to that night.

I’m standing in the doorway, and his hand is trailing across my shoulder, right before he bites into me with all the strength in his jaw.

His forehead rests gently against mine and in an instant, I’m transferred back to that night.

I’m on this same bed beneath him when he slams his head against mine so hard I have to get six stitches.

My body becomes unresponsive to his […]

When he pulls back and looks down on me, I don’t even have to say anything. Our eyes, locked together, speak more naked truths than our mouths ever have.

Related Characters: Lily Bloom, Ryle Kincaid
Related Symbols: Open Heart
Page Number: 325
Explanation and Analysis:
Chapter 32  Quotes

She grabs my hands and holds them while I cry. “Don’t be like me, Lily. I know that you believe that he loves you, and I’m sure that he does. But he’s not loving you the right way. He doesn’t love you the way you deserve to be loved. If Ryle truly loves you, he wouldn’t allow you to take him back. He would make the decision to leave you himself so that he knows for a fact he can never hurt you again. That’s the kind of love a woman deserves, Lily.”

[…] I thought I would have to defend myself to her when I came over here. Not once did I think I would come over here and learn from her. I should know better. I thought my mother was weak in the past, but she’s actually one of the strongest women I know.

Related Characters: Lily’s Mother (speaker), Lily Bloom, Ryle Kincaid
Page Number: 335
Explanation and Analysis:
Chapter 33  Quotes

I decided to go with a nature theme. The bedding set is tan and green with pictures of plants and trees all over it. It matches the curtains and will eventually match a mural I plan to paint on the wall at some point [...]

As I stare back at him, I think about how easy it is for humans to make judgements when we’re standing on the outside of a situation. I spent years judging my mother’s situation.

It’s easy when we’re on the outside to believe that we would walk away without a second thought if a person mistreated us. It’s easy to say we couldn’t continue to love someone who mistreats us when we aren’t the ones feeling the love of that person.

Related Characters: Lily Bloom, Ryle Kincaid, Emmy Kincaid
Related Symbols: Plants
Page Number: 340
Explanation and Analysis:
Chapter 35  Quotes

“‘He held me down while I begged him to stop. But he swears he’ll never do it again. What should I do, Daddy?’”

He’s kissing her forehead, over and over, tears spilling down his face.

“What would you say to her, Ryle? Tell me. I need to know what you would say to our daughter if the man she loves with all her heart ever hurts her.”

A sob breaks from his check. He leans toward me and wraps an arm around me. “I would beg her to leave him…I would tell her that she is worth so much more. And I would beg her not to go back, no matter how much he loves her.”

[…] We hold each other. We hold our daughter. And as hard as this choice is, we break the pattern before the pattern breaks us.

Related Characters: Lily Bloom (speaker), Ryle Kincaid (speaker), Emmy Kincaid
Page Number: 359
Explanation and Analysis: