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Chapter 7
Themes
Key
LitCharts assigns a color and icon to each theme in Dibs in Search of Self, which you can use to track the themes throughout the work.
Therapy, Empathy, and Non-Judgment
Parental Expectations vs. Self-Determination
Trust and Security
Intelligence vs. Emotional and Social Skills
Summary
Analysis
The next day, Dibs’s mother calls Axline for a meeting, and later that morning they sit down together in Axline’s office. It’s important to Axline to make Dibs’s mother feel secure, knowing that this meeting might be emotionally exhausting for her. Axline also knows that she can’t try to rush Dibs’s mother or drag out anything she wouldn’t want to share.
Axline applies her therapeutic techniques not only to children like Dibs, but also to their parents. She recognizes that she has to build up mutual trust and security for Dibs’s mother to be able to express herself, and that she can’t appear to judge or criticize Dibs’s mother when she’s vulnerable.
Themes
Axline waits for Dibs’s mother to start the conversation, even though she seems anxious. Dibs’s mother says she doesn’t know where to begin, and Axline acknowledges that these conversations can be difficult. Dibs’s mother comments that Axline has a lovely view out her window, looking at the church across the street.
Here, Dibs’s mother seems a lot like her son; she’s quiet and anxious, seemingly because she fears judgment and doesn’t totally know how to express her emotions. Like Dibs, his mother retreats to naming objects before engaging emotionally with Axline.
Themes
Suddenly, Dibs’s mother cries out that she is worried about Dibs. She says that lately he is unhappy—he comes out of his room more, but when she speaks to him, he runs away. Crying, she says she feels that he is asking for something that she can’t give. She has never understood him; she had no real experience with kids prior to having Dibs, and Dibs was a disappointment to her from his birth. Dibs’s mother and father hadn’t planned on having a child, and when Dibs was born, his mother had to give up her successful career as a surgeon—a career that she and Dibs’s father were very proud of. When Dibs was born, she found him big, ugly, and unresponsive. He would stiffen and cry when she picked him up. She felt she failed miserably by having him.
Dibs’s mother’s story explains why Dibs and his parents have a strained relationship. Not only does Dibs’s mother have a difficult time connecting with Dibs on an emotional level, but there is also a part of her that never wanted him in the first place. She suggests that even from birth, Dibs did not live up to his parents’ expectations, placing a huge burden on him growing up because they judged every aspect of his development. Dibs’s mother also suggests that Dibs made her feel that she did not live up to her own expectations that she would have a developmentally typical child, be a good parent, or be able to continue a successful career.
Themes
Dibs’s mother continues uninterrupted, saying she has to get this story out. She explains that she and Dibs’s father were ashamed to have a mentally disabled child and gradually cut their friends out of their lives so others wouldn’t find out about Dibs. They took him to a neurologist, but the doctor couldn’t find anything wrong with him. They then took Dibs to a psychiatrist, who interviewed both parents as well. Dibs’s mother felt that the psychiatrist’s questions were very invasive, and the psychiatrist concluded that Dibs was not mentally disabled but that Dibs was the most emotionally deprived child he had ever seen. He said that Dibs’s mother and father were the ones who needed help. They grew very upset at this evaluation, and they never spoke about the experience to anyone else.
Dibs’s mother’s backstory provides some explanation for why she was so skeptical of meeting with Axline. The psychiatrist that she visited took an opposite approach to Axline: rather than respond to Dibs’s parents with empathy and non-judgement, he criticized them harshly for their inability to support their son emotionally. As a result, they withdrew even further and Dibs had to suffer more. Now, Axline’s method of allowing Dibs’s mother to tell her story and making her feel understood enables her to recognize her emotions and cope with them, rather than keeping them bottled up.
Themes
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Dibs’s mother goes on, explaining that she had Dorothy in the hopes that another child could help Dibs socialize better. Because Dorothy was a “perfect child,” she was proof that Dibs’s problems were not his parents’ fault. Dibs’s mother says that the only person to whom Dibs connected was his grandmother. Dibs and Dorothy don’t get along at all, which is why she sends Dorothy away to a boarding school near their home. Dibs seems happier alone.
Dibs’s mother underscores another way in which she and her husband evaluate Dibs: comparing him to Dorothy. In constantly calling Dorothy a “perfect child” in comparison to Dibs, they make it clear that Dibs does not live up to their expectations of how he should act. Dorothy also allows them to avoid others’ judgment because, in their mind, she proves that they can raise a “normal” child.
Themes
Apparently Dibs’s father was very upset that his son was “babbling like an idiot” when he picked him up from therapy. He said this in front of Dibs, and Dibs knocked over a chair and other objects and screamed at his father that he hated him. Dibs’s father then carried Dibs upstairs and locked him in his bedroom. When Dibs’s father returned, he started crying, which Dibs’s mother had never seen him do before. He admitted that maybe they were wrong about Dibs being mentally disabled.
This episode shows the impact of harsh judgment on Dibs. Dibs knows that he wasn’t “babbling like an idiot”—he was actually saying something lucid and interesting, but his father refused to listen because he thought it was weird. These cruel words directly lead to Dibs’s hostile and violent behavior. This is in contrast with how Axline treats Dibs, listening to him and treating him with empathy. The episode also shows how Dibs’s father is being more open emotionally because of the change in his son. He acknowledges that he could have played a part in Dibs’s stunted emotional development rather than deflecting blame by insisting that the problem is biological.
Themes
Dibs’s mother asks Axline if she thinks Dibs is mentally disabled, and Axline says no. When she asks if Dibs will learn to act like other children, Axline says he probably will, and that she thinks Dibs’s mother could probably answer that question, too. Dibs’s mother acknowledges that she has noticed that Dibs has some ability, and that he’s not having temper tantrums anymore. He’s also not sucking his thumb anymore and he’s being more verbal.
Dibs’s mother understands how Dibs’s therapy has been helping him, and the examples she gives prove the value of Axline’s non-judgmental play therapy. Dibs is overcoming his hostile, anti-social, and infantile behavior. Even if there are times where he still lashes out, it is now in direct response to his father’s harsh criticisms.
Themes
Dibs’s mother then realizes that an hour has passed. She thanks Axline for meeting with her and leaves. Axline observes how complex human motivation is; many experiences intertwine to make up a person’s behavior. Dibs’s parents, like Dibs, learned to use their intelligence as a shield from their emotions. They, too, are the victims of their inability to relate effectively to Dibs.
Dibs is not the only one who is limited emotionally in spite of his high intelligence. Axline observes that his parents, too, often use intellect to make up for their lack of emotional intelligence. This makes their relationships difficult and reinforces that intelligence alone does not make for a well-rounded human being.
Themes
Axline then explains why she didn’t assure Dibs’s mother that Dibs has superior intelligence: she doesn’t want his parents to concentrate on this aspect of his development rather than developing his emotions. They likely chose to view him as mentally disabled just so that they wouldn’t have to acknowledge that his behavior is the product of their own emotional inadequacy. Nonetheless, it is unlikely that Dibs’s mother is completely unaware of his intelligence.
While Axline could have emphasized his intelligence to Dibs’s mother, she knows that it is more important to focus on improving his emotional and social skills. Assuring them of his intelligence could simply reinforce their desire for him to live up to their expectations on an intellectual level while continuing to ignore his emotional intelligence.
Themes
Axline suspects that Dibs’s mother’s inability to connect to her son is probably due to her own emotional deprivation. During the meeting, Axline wanted to communicate that she understood and respected Dibs’s mother. She hopes that Dibs’s mother understands that she has the capacity to change, just like Dibs.
Axline emphasizes the parallel between Dibs and his mother, showing how she takes the same approach with both of them. Just like children, adults need empathy and understanding, and she hopes that by providing this to Dibs’s mother, Dibs’s mother can work through her negative emotions and be more connected with Dibs.
Themes
