Restart Quotes

I remember falling.

At least I think I do. Or maybe that’s just because I know I fell.

I note the window I must have climbed out of, since it’s the only one with roof access. For some reason, I expected it to be higher, and I’m embarrassed. Like it’s an insult to my manliness that such a puny fall scrambled my brains.

I still can’t figure it out. Chase isn’t Darth Vader or Voldemort; he doesn’t have the Force or dark magical powers. And yet he, Aaron Hakimian, and Bear Bratsky made Joel’s life so miserable that my parents had no choice but to find him a school in another town.

“This is an awful thing that’s happened to you, but it’s also presenting you with a rare opportunity. You have the chance to rebuild yourself from the ground up, to make a completely fresh start. Don’t squander it! I’m sure you’re not feeling very lucky, but there are millions of people who’d give anything to stand where you stand right now—in front of a completely blank canvas.”

“But where’s their leader? The apex predator? Could that be him paying for a pack of Fig Newtons at the cash register? Yes, it is—the king of beasts, Footballus herois.”

When I got amnesia, I lost thirteen years of myself. I have to replace those memories using what I can pick up from other people. But everyone has a slightly different version of me—Mom, Dad, my friends, the kids at school, even frozen yogurt girl. For all I know, the lunch ladies know me better than anyone else.

Who should I believe?

I’m blown away. My record as a nerd and goody-two-shoes never seemed like much to me before. For sure, it didn’t compare to Chase’s—athlete, bad boy, big man on campus. But it was my reputation, not his, that got us out of a jam back there.

Shosh466: C’mon, little bro. U were miserable at home.

JWPianoMan: At least there I was special. Here I’m just another 2nd rate piano player.

“That’s who we are, Champ. We’re Ambrose men. We’re the doers. Other people take pictures of us!”

Aaron eyes Chase with a long face. “You shouldn’t have done that, man. Joey’s your friend. He’s had your back plenty of times.”

Chase is still defiant, but a little more subdued than before. “So I should just let him beat up a kid half his size for no reason?”

Aaron stands his ground. “If you’d told him to stop, he would have stopped. You didn’t have to attack him.” He shakes his head. “None of us are perfect—not even you. Next time, take a second to think about who your friends are.”

I get that his memory is erased. But is our whole friendship erased too? Being boys with someone isn’t just a bunch of stuff you did together in the past. There has to be more to it than that! But right now, it’s like we’ve got zero in common with the guy.

“They’re always the enemy when they’re shooting at you, kid. But a dead man doesn’t care what uniform he’s wearing. I’m better off forgetting the whole rotten business, medal and all.”

That’s how I always looked at it. We are who we are, and we’re good with it. I figured the others felt the same way. Who cares what the popular kids think of us?

Was I ever wrong about that! As soon as someone from the A-list showed even the slightest interest in video club, we all went weak in the knees and lined up to love him.

“I never wore it. Not that I was ashamed of it, but it didn’t feel right—like I’d be saying, ‘Look how great I am. I’ve got a better medal than you. Any dimwit can win a Purple Heart.’”

“I don’t know if he’s changed and I don’t care. The person he was broke up this family. What he did to Joel is unforgivable. That means he can never be forgiven.”

There’s something about being bullied that you could never explain to someone who hasn’t had it happen to them. It’s worse than the sum of the rotten things that are done to you. Even when no one is bothering you, you’re still under attack because you’re dreading the next strike, and you know it can come from anywhere, at any time.

I guess having the power to torture another person made us feel like big men. Especially when we picked somebody smaller and weaker, who was into music instead of sports.

That’s when it hits me how this must seem to the teachers. The music room is a disaster area. Instruments, music stands, books, and papers are strewn everywhere, the whole place buried in foam. The school’s three most notorious bullies are right there. One of them—Chase—still wields a fire extinguisher. And their number one target—Joel—is down on the floor with a rapidly swelling face, obviously the victim of an assault.

“It isn’t what it looks like!” I gasp, and then bite my tongue. What if it’s exactly what it looks like?

Dad says the old Chase is back. I wanted that once. But right now the new Chase is the life I’d rather have.

And I’ve lost that too.

“He’s like a cobra. He lured us in until we trusted him. Then he struck. And now he’s slithered back to his old life as if nothing ever happened.”

It’s no problem escaping Aaron and Bear.

But I’ll never be able to get away from myself.

Maybe it’ll come back to me in bits and pieces like some of my past. But when? It could take years. What if Mr. Solway dies in the meantime? How will I ever make it right?

It’s hard to watch, but it’s not as hard as I thought it would be. This is not who I am, I tell myself. It’s just something that happened to me. Somehow, seeing it unfold in real time, in high-definition video, I’m able to expand the fracas in the band room to include every rotten bullying thing that was ever done to me. And here I am, alive, undamaged—well, except my eye.

I’ve been victimized, but I don’t have to let that define me as a victim.

I’m back—back at home and back to myself.

“It was the old you!” Brendan mumbles around a rapidly swelling jaw.

“There’s only one me.” Chase says it so quietly that I can hardly hear him.

“I just didn’t know the new you yet. It takes strength to eat the blame and not rat out Aaron and Bear, especially when they more than deserve it. Or to try to make things right with Solway or even the Weber kid, whether they appreciate it or not. You’re strong, all right.”