Secrets and Misunderstanding Theme Analysis

After Penn and Rosie discover their son, Claude, is really a girl, secrets become a big part of their lives. Penn and Rosie aren’t sure how much of Claude, and later Poppy’s, gender identity should be shared with others, and they don’t know what they should keep completely to themselves. Rosie is an emergency room physician, and after she treats Jane Doe, a transgender woman who is shot and nearly beaten to death by a bunch of fraternity boys at the local university in Wisconsin, Rosie can’t imagine ever telling anyone the truth about Poppy again. To keep Poppy safe, Rosie decides it is best to move the family across the country to Seattle, and since no one knows who they are, it is easy to keep Poppy’s secret—at least it is at first. In the end, Rosie and Penn learn that Poppy’s secret really shouldn’t be a secret in the first place. Though This is How it Always is, Frankel argues that keeping secrets—especially big secrets with consequences, like one’s gender identity—is never a good idea and only lead to fear and misunderstanding.

While Rosie and Penn don’t initially plan to keep Poppy’s gender identity a secret when they get to Seattle, they quickly decide it might be a good idea, and they vow as a family not to tell. When they get to Seattle, Rosie does tell the neighbors, Frank and Marginny, the truth about Poppy, but Frank and Marginny decide not to tell their kids. Their daughter, Aggie, is Poppy’s age and will be in her class at school. If the idea is for Aggie to treat Poppy like a girl, they feel it is better not to confuse things. Rosie and Penn agree and decide to keep Poppy’s secret. Mr. Tongo, Rosie’s friend and a social worker specializing in kids like Poppy, says that Poppy’s gender is really no one’s business, other than a doctor’s, of course, and that is only in certain contexts. Rosie wouldn’t talk to people about her other children’s penises, so she shouldn’t be talking about Poppy’s. For Mr. Tongo, Poppy’s gender identity isn’t so much a secret as it a privacy issue, but it basically boils down to the same thing, as he’s committed to keeping Poppy’s secret. Penn, too, is invested in keeping Poppy’s secret, and he spends much time researching “penis-masking underwear” and sex reassignment surgery, if, at a later date, Poppy decides surgery is something she wants. Penn is clearly prepared to do whatever they must to keep Poppy’s secret.

Despite their efforts, however, Poppy’s brothers aren’t able to keep her secret, which suggests that Poppy’s gender identity shouldn’t be a secret in the first place. Poppy’s brother, Ben, tells his girlfriend, Cayenne, who asks him to tell her a secret to prove he loves her. Ben does love her, and he doesn’t need to divulge a secret to prove it, but he knows it will make her happy, and he also knows that keeping Poppy’s secret from Cayenne isn’t right. When something is “this significant, this consequential,” Ben says, it can’t be kept a secret from the person you love. Poppy’s brothers, the twins, Rigel and Orion, also let Poppy’s secret slip. Orion accidentally says that Poppy is a boy at a barbeque, but no one seems to notice. Then, another boy approaches Orion and Rigel and says he is “like Poppy,” so they tell him everything in case he needs someone to talk to. Rigel and Orion know they promised to keep Poppy’s secret, but that didn’t seem like the right thing to do when the kid was obviously struggling. Lastly, Poppy’s oldest brother, Roo, also tells her secret. After a kid at school, Derek McGuiness, makes a disparaging comment about transgender people in general, Roo beats him up while saying: “That’s. My. Sister. You’re. Talking. About. Asshole.” Roo knows he was supposed to keep Poppy’s secret, but Derek McGuiness had it coming, Roo says, and he couldn’t help himself.

Penn also explains the trouble with secrets in the fairytale he writes about Grumwald, who is cursed by a witch and made to live each night as a princess and each day as a prince. Grumwald keeps his secret, too, but when the witch lifts the curse and allows him to be both male and female at once, she says he must never keep who he is a secret. “Secrets make everyone alone,” the witch says. “Secrets lead to panic,” and they result in fear and hysterics. With Grumwald, Penn decides that Poppy’s secret should be told, so others can know who she is and try to understand. Penn, and by extension Frankel, imply that secrets like Poppy’s lead to fear and panic, like the violent situation Jane Doe faced. Gender identity, Frankel argues, should be openly discussed to avoid such tragic misunderstandings. Open discussion is not a guarantee of acceptance and understanding, but, Frankel implies, it is a start.