Jude’s Self-Harm Symbol in A Little Life

The cuts, scars, burns, and bruises Jude incurs from his recurrent self-harm symbolize Jude’s childhood trauma and his inability to overcome that trauma. Jude began to use self-harm to cope with feelings of internalized shame, pain, and worthlessness in childhood. When Jude was living at the monastery, he would bang parts of himself (his wrists, his elbows, or his cheeks, for example) against the corner of dinner tables or desks. Doing this gave Jude a sense of control over the monks who abused him: seeing the “anger and noise and power” of Jude’s self-harm scared the monks. It also allowed Jude to reclaim control over his body: it allowed him to inflict pain upon himself, when he was otherwise subject to the pain of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse the monks inflicted upon him. Jude continues to hit and cut himself as an adult. And for the most part, his reasons for doing so remain the same: he wants to regain the control over his body, mind, and life that his abusers took away from him. In this way, then, Jude’s injuries reflect the enduring effects of Jude’s childhood trauma, and his enduring efforts to cope with that trauma.

Though Jude turns to self-harm to cope with his trauma, his self-inflicted injuries are also the source of additional shame and self-hatred. Jude wears long-sleeved shirts to hide his self-harm from others, and for much of his life, nobody besides Andy, Jude’s trusted doctor, knows about them. Jude hides his injuries from others because he is ashamed of them. Not only do his injuries remind him of a past that he’s ashamed of, but they are also a visual manifestation of Jude’s continued failure to work through and recover from his childhood trauma—his inability to leave the past behind him and become a better, restored person. As an adult, Jude recognizes that his continued self-harm is counterproductive: his body has been abused and scarred in so many ways that were beyond his control, and now, he continues to willfully subject his body to further injury. Still, his self-hatred and shame run too deep for him to adopt healthy coping mechanisms to work through his trauma and alleviate some of his inner suffering. In this way, then, the vicious cycle of Jude’s self-harm and self-hatred illustrates the broader psychological hang-ups that create obstacles to his recovery. That is, he hurts himself because he feels that he is “deformed” and unworthy of anything but pain and suffering, and then he sees the cuts and scars he inflicts upon himself as visual proof that he is truly “deformed” and undeserving of healing, compassion, and redemption. Thus, the cycle continues.

Jude’s Self-Harm Quotes in A Little Life

The A Little Life quotes below all refer to the symbol of Jude’s Self-Harm. For each quote, you can also see the other characters and themes related to it (each theme is indicated by its own dot and icon, like this one:

When he has clothes on, he is one person, but without them, he is revealed as he really is, the years of rot manifested on his skin, his own flesh advertising his past, its depravities and corruptions.

Related Characters: Jude St. Francis, Caleb Porter

Related Symbols: Jude’s Self-Harm

Page Number and Citation: 347

Explanation and Analysis:

But there was the Jude he knew in the daylight, and even in the dusk and dawn, and then there was the Jude who possessed his friend for a few hours each night, and that Jude, he sometimes feared, was the real Jude: the one who haunted their apartment alone, the one whom he had watched draw the razor so slowly down his arm, his eyes wide with agony, the one whom he could never reach, no matter how many reassurances he made, no matter how many threats he levied. It sometimes seemed as if it was that Jude who truly directed their relationship, and when he was present, no one, not even Willem, could dispel him. And still, he remained stubborn: he would banish him, through the intensity and the force and the determination of his love.

Related Characters: Jude St. Francis, Willem Ragnarsson

Related Symbols: Jude’s Self-Harm

Page Number and Citation: 589

Explanation and Analysis:

“I’m not Hemming, Willem,” Jude hisses at him. “I’m not going to be the cripple you get to save for the one you couldn’t.”

Related Characters: Jude St. Francis (speaker), Willem Ragnarsson, Harold Stein, Andy Contractor, Hemming , Julia

Related Symbols: Jude’s Self-Harm, Houses, Apartments, and Cabins

Page Number and Citation: 599

Explanation and Analysis:

On these days, he succumbed to a sort of enchantment, a state in which his life seemed both unimprovable and, paradoxically, perfectly fixable: Of course Jude wouldn’t get worse. Of course he could be repaired. Of course Willem would be the person to repair him. Of course this was possible; of course this was probable. Days like this seemed to have no nights, and if there were no nights, there was no cutting, there was no sadness, there was nothing to dismay.

Related Characters: Jude St. Francis, Willem Ragnarsson, Malcolm Irvine, Harold Stein, Hemming , Julia

Related Symbols: Jude’s Self-Harm, Houses, Apartments, and Cabins, Jude’s Wheelchair

Page Number and Citation: 649

Explanation and Analysis:

Jude’s Self-Harm Symbol Timeline in A Little Life

The timeline below shows where the symbol Jude’s Self-Harm appears in A Little Life. The colored dots and icons indicate which themes are associated with that appearance.

...their suite’s living room. He’s partially facing the camera, and you could see “a starburst-shaped scar” on his hand. He's wearing a striped shirt that’s too big for him. He’s very... (full context)

...calling his name. “Willem, I’m sorry,” Jude says. Then he calmly explains that he accidentally cut himself, and he asks Willem to take him to Andy’s. Willem is still half asleep,... (full context)

...“I’m sorry,” Jude says to Andy, who unwraps the towel to reveal—to Willem’s horror—a gaping wound in Jude’s arm that looks like a mouth “vomiting blood from it.” Willem sits in... (full context)

...been normal; wouldn’t he have noticed if Jude wasn’t normal? Andy tells Willem that Jude cuts himself, which shocks Willem. Andy makes Willem promise to call him if Jude starts acting... (full context)

...nudges him. Then he pushes up one of Jude’s sleeves to reveal rows of white scars, thick and raised, going all up his arm. Jude’s other arm is bandaged, but Willem... (full context)

...this occasion that they have their first real fight. The fight begins with Jude’s “ botched suicide attempt ” right before the New Year’s Eve party. The incident infuriates Andy, and at their... (full context)

...anyone. From then on, Andy examines Jude’s arms at every appointment to check for new cuts. (full context)

Then, two years later, one of Jude’s leg wounds opens, and the injury (which is not self-inflicted) pushes his cutting to the back burner.... (full context)

...Andy every Friday night so that Andy can clean and remove dead tissue from the wound. It’s incredibly painful, but Andy reminds him that it’s a good thing if he can... (full context)

...recalls the “damp and gummy” sensation he felt on his leg earlier. He knew the wound (which has been splitting and only partially healing for the past 20 months) has split.... (full context)

...will be alone (Willem will be out with a girlfriend), and the pus from his wound will have soaked through the bandage. He’ll reach out to Andy, shower, and remove the... (full context)

...even harder without Willem here to calm him. He obsessively cleans the apartment to avoid cutting himself. Jude knows his cutting has gotten out of control. He imagines cutting himself down... (full context)

...a banana, though it tastes horrible. Then he continues to clean obsessively, and then he cuts himself. The phone rings, and Jude is in so much pain from the cuts that... (full context)

...and yelled at him for not being there for Jude. He told Willem about Jude’s cutting. If Willem were a good friend, Andy snapped, he’d know that the upcoming adoption would... (full context)

...her parents’ house in Vermont, and all their kids would move in with them. Willem cut in to say that Jude would be living with them, too. “Oh, will I?” Jude... (full context)

...to the bathroom, removes a bag he’s stashed away beneath a loose tile, and he cuts himself. Inside, he’s ashamed he can’t be “a better person” and forgive JB. Jude finishes... (full context)

Jude’s legs were the first part of himself that he cut. Nobody noticed them—not even Brother Luke. Jude recalls a client he once saw in Texas.... (full context)

...prescribe him a pain medication. Before he left, Andy made sure to bring up Jude’s cutting, which has gotten worse since he started seeing Caleb. (full context)

The next day, Jude meets Andy at a bar. Andy asks Jude if Jude’s injuries are self-inflicted—has he been throwing himself against walls or furniture, like he did when he... (full context)

...bag hidden under the sink at his house in Truro. He didn’t know that Jude cut himself then, but when he found the bag, he instinctively knew what it was for.... (full context)

Harold tries repeatedly to discuss the cutting with Jude, but it’s always a failure. Nobody knows what to do, or what advice... (full context)

...the shower and wants to light himself on fire. He takes on more work and cuts himself. But nothing is enough. It’s August now, and his friends are all out of... (full context)

...home, removes his shoes and tie, pours a glass of scotch, and grabs a box cutter. He cuts deep vertical lines into both arms. They’re more painful than he thought they’d... (full context)

...failed, and he hates how everyone tiptoes around him now. He feels helpless—he can’t even cut his food or shave on his own because the cuts damaged the nerves in his... (full context)

...Jude’s upcoming trip to Morocco. Jude and Willem leave early, and Jude returns home and cuts himself for the second time since his release. The first time, it hurt, and he... (full context)

...simpler question. Jude hesitates, but then he agrees. Willem asks Jude how he got the scar on the back of his hand. Jude is relieved—the burn scar happened well before all... (full context)

It’s around this time that Jude starts throwing his body at walls . It begins as an accident. He and Brother Luke are staying at a motel... (full context)

...seeing him bruised. One night, when Jude is feeling particularly bad, Luke teaches him to cut himself. Luke gives Jude his own bag of razors, alcohol wipes, cotton, and bandages. Jude... (full context)

...sex life as an adult, made him ashamed of himself, and taught him how to cut. (full context)

...disturbing headline in the obituaries section of The New York Times: Caleb Porter, 52, Fashion Executive. He died of pancreatic cancer. Jude vomits his breakfast. He wants his razors but lately... (full context)

...leaves the office early. When he arrives home, he goes straight to the bathroom and cuts himself more than he has in months. (full context)

...back, Jude sobs; he feels so exposed. Jude tries to go to the bathroom to cut himself, but Willem holds him down. (full context)

...morning, they lie in bed together, and Jude tells Willem about how he got various scars—how he’d been beaten when he ran away from the home once, and then the wounds... (full context)

...leaves, Willem examines Jude, who is sleeping. He looks at the “miserable terrain” of Jude’s scarred body. Some nights, when Jude is deeply asleep, Willem turns on the lights and examines... (full context)

...and says yes, but he wonders what would happen if he said no. Jude starts cutting himself more. At first, he’s disciplined and only cuts once a week. But over the... (full context)

...more minutes) is replaced by a new one, where Willem examines Jude’s hands for more cuts. (full context)

...time, when Jude thinks Willem is asleep, he goes to the bathroom and starts to cut himself. Then he looks up and sees Willem standing in the doorway, watching him. Willem... (full context)

Jude tries some tactics of his own to stop himself from cutting: he swims, or he bakes, or he cleans. Willem suggests another method: every time Jude... (full context)

...his promise to Willem, who was so pleased when Jude told him that he’s hardly cut at all while Willem’s been away, Jude devises a new plan: he’ll pretend that he’s... (full context)

Willem also knows that Jude’s cutting is connected to their sex life. He struggles with how little he understands it. It... (full context)

Now, in bed, Jude confesses that he’s been trying really hard not to cut himself, but sometimes it’s hard not to; he wants Willem to understand if he messes... (full context)

...it’s Willem who answered. Before hanging up, Andy orders Willem to ask Jude about the burn. Willem is puzzled; Jude told him he burned his hand when he was cooking fried... (full context)

Jude returns to the car and senses something is off. Willem asks him about the burn. Jude is evasive, but then Willem yells, and so Jude tells him the truth. Willem... (full context)

...an outsider, it would look like rape. Willem pulls down Jude’s underwear and sees fresh cuts on his leg. Then he loses it. He calls Jude “crazy” and says he needs... (full context)

...to save for the one [he] couldn’t.” Willem tells Jude he can go ahead and cut himself to pieces, then, since it’s clear he loves that more than he loves Willem.... (full context)

Jude returns to the home. His back heals and scars into a lumpy, distorted mess. The other kids make fun of him, and Jude, for... (full context)

Jude tries to find something sharp to cut himself with that night, but he can’t. So, instead, he presses his fingernails into his... (full context)

...months ago. Things have gotten better: Jude is more affectionate and relaxed, and he’s not cutting himself as much. Willem is particular about his sexual partners. He picks women he knows... (full context)

...he saw a billboard of Willem’s face being painted over, and he’d broken down and cut himself horribly. (full context)

On Friday, Jude sees Andy. Andy inspects Jude’s arms and finds no new cuts. They go to dinner afterward and catch up. Then Andy drops some big news: he’s... (full context)

A Little Life

Hanya Yanagihara

Jude’s Self-Harm Symbol Analysis

Jude’s Self-Harm Quotes in A Little Life

Jude’s Self-Harm Symbol Timeline in A Little Life