Sincerity and Appreciation vs. Insincerity and Flattery Theme Analysis

Some of the criticism of How to Win Friends and Influence People stems from the idea that the book is insincere. Writer Sinclair Lewis, for example, believed that Carnegie’s method taught readers to smile and pretend to be interested in others just so that they could take advantage of people. But the book dictates quite the opposite, making a distinction between genuine appreciation of others and insincere flattery. Carnegie argues that if flattery worked, everyone would be experts in human relations—but flattery is easily discernible as “shallow” and “selfish.” Appreciation, on the other hand, requires genuine interest in others and sincere respect. The book thus demonstrates that those who genuinely appreciate others are more likely to succeed in their endeavors, while those who use flattery will likely fail.

First, the book establishes that appreciation must be based in sincerity and respect—only then can it succeed in winning people over. Carnegie emphasizes that “one of the most neglected virtues of our daily existence is appreciation.” But he also illustrates how appreciation must come from a sincere place. For example, one day, Carnegie wanted to cheer up a clerk at the post office who looked bored at his job. He asked himself what he could “honestly admire” about the man and decided to compliment the clerk’s hair. The man instantly brightened, and they had a pleasant conversation. This illustrates how effective even small gestures of appreciation can be—but only when the appreciation is honest. In another example, a print shop supervisor named Keith Roper noticed a print of exceptionally high quality, and he told the young man who made it how it was superior in specific terms. While the young man previously had a negative attitude, within days he was a loyal and dedicated worker. Carnegie relays that “because [Roper] had singled out a specific accomplishment, rather than just making general flattering remarks, his praise became much more meaningful to the person to whom it was given. Everybody likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere—not something the other person may be saying just to make one feel good.” Again, Carnegie suggests that successful appreciation must come from a place of sincerity—otherwise praise comes off as mere flattery. Carnegie reemphasizes this point when illustrating why honest appreciation is so important. He writes that “almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely.” Once again, Carnegie concludes that appreciation must come from a sincere place, since people can sense when one’s admiration isn’t genuine.

In contrast with appreciation, flattery is always insincere, and as a result, it is doomed to fail. In the second chapter, Carnegie explains the difference between appreciation and flattery: “One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.” Not only does Carnegie make a distinction based on how the praise is meant (sincere versus insincere) but he also makes a distinction based on how it is perceived or treated (admired versus condemned). In this way, Carnegie establishes that flattery is based on corrupt motives—and that others look down on it. Returning to the earlier example of the clerk that Carnegie complimented, he notes that some people have asked him what he wanted to get out of the clerk. To this, he responds, “If we are so contemptibly selfish that we can't radiate a little happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation without trying to get something out of the other person in return—if our souls are no bigger than sour crab apples, we shall meet with the failure we so richly deserve.” Thus, he again emphasizes that insincerity and selfishness (the motivations behind flattery) will get a person nowhere. It’s not enough to compliment someone—it’s important to do it sincerely and for the purpose of truly trying to benefit the other person. Otherwise, people do not deserve to succeed, because their motivations are so corrupt and selfish. Carnegie concedes that flattery can work with some people, but he stresses that more often than not, flattery is doomed to fail. He writes, “Flattery is counterfeit, and like counterfeit money, it will eventually get you into trouble if you pass it to someone else.” In other words, Carnegie suggests that like the falseness of counterfeit money, insincerity and flattery are reprehensible and will ultimately do more damage to the giver than the recipient.

Throughout the book, Carnegie emphasizes the transformative power of appreciation, as people’s lives have been altered simply because of small words of honest praise they received. But each time, he underscores how his book is founded on the principle that people should be genuine with each other, to the point that he writes, “Let me repeat: The principles taught in this book will work only when they come from the heart. I am not advocating a bag of tricks. I am talking about a new way of life.” While some of criticism of How to Win Friends and Influence People remains skeptical of how people use Carnegie’s advice, he continuously stresses that the book’s principles are based in sincerity and selflessness.